I am wondering how other couples would handle this situation, as I have exhausted my resources on this battle.
MM,
You are NOT A COUPLE any longer. Embrace it. You are trying to do piecing/communication techniques with someone who has made it clear he's NOT interested in a relationship with you.
Step away from him MM. Just step away. Put your resources INTO YOU...NOT him. YOU.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh I know that Heather... I was posting that because when DB'ing you are supposed to make the changes that you can to repair old behaviours/patterns/fights, etc. To do 180's, etc.
I have changed many things about myself... but this is the one area that baffles me. I would still like to know.
But, thanks for the reminder... I have been doing well with detaching again for the last 2 days & spending more time focusing on my thoughts.. not him. When he pops into my head, I am aware & switch to me.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"The coffee, pissing, cookies, etc... is HIM telling me that it means something. I wasn't inventing anything. It just doesn't mean anything to me anymore..... because his actions & words aren't lined up."
uhhmmmm.. no Ken, he said those things when not anywhere near R talks. He has mentioned them genuinely and I wasn't inventing them. You have made your point however. You feel that he is trying to extract himself from me, however its not 100% true. I am not holding my breath....
Again... it can't mean much if the guy can't line up his action & words.
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/22/1405:55 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"it can't mean much if the guy can't line up his action & words."
his words are said to extract himself while trying not to hurt your feelings, and to throw you a bone because after 2 years you're obviously still hurt and desperate, and try to get you to move on already <-- all typical guy behavior.
his actions are what he really means.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
his words are said to extract himself while trying not to hurt your feelings, and to throw you a bone because after 2 years you're obviously still hurt and desperate, and try to get you to move on already <-- all typical guy behavior.
his actions are what he really means.
Thank you for posting this today. This ^^^^^^^^^^ is so painful to face, but soooooo important in terms of self-preservation.
...Such a painful reality when you are on the receiving end and receiving the bones. You're heart is breaking and, if you feel defined by that person/your relationship AND you have some misguided sense that he is your key to surviving in this world...it's so easy to fall into the trap of analyzing each and every word/action/breathe/inhale/exhale, etc...
We all come into this world alone. We can never truly know another human being's heart completely. We just can't. That's not how love works. We must take some leap of faith when we love another...BUT, we also must accept the reality they present to us. Waiting, waiting, waiting for someone else to see how valuable we are...isn't living at all. It's putting off our own life's purpose for a dream.
MM, imagine if you put ALL this energy that you spend on analyzing him...INTO YOU. Imagine what you could do!
When I was young and married, I spent years trying to fix my spouse's myriad of problems. It was quite the diversion from my own. I wanted to WILL him to BE the person I KNEW he could be. He showed skill/intelligence in the field of biology and loved wolves...so, what did I do? I contacted one of the world's premier wolf experts and got him to give ME free career advice for my spouse. I contacted a celebrity in the field of nature documentaries and got him to sign and send a special edition poster of himself.
I used my energies to create/fix someone else's life...not mine. Imagine where I would be if I had used all that time and energy on ME.
I'll still get there...just much later than it coulda been.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
For the last few days, oddly.. I have been reading my horoscope. Basically, each day has been clearly stating for me to believe in the process, stop trying to figure it out, enjoy the magic, dream BIG & have faith.... so, I have been trying to focus on just that.
Sandi... I realize I cannot fix him anymore. I just wondered about how to respond when he is STILL blaming/comparing to me for his problems. How to fix my response/reaction to what he still feels is true, for him. Thanks for pointing that it takes two to argue... It just bugs me that he gets to feel that way (my fault) and I don't get to respond.... I won't be the second person, any longer.
Ken... I really don't believe he is trying to extract himself from me, when he keeps trying/creating ways to spend time with me. He is not trying to get me to move on, already... at all. More like, keep MM "there" where I left her.... Although, I am trying/succeeding to extract myself from him.
Heather...Tx for your story.. I can see how I was doing that as well. Spending MY life, fixing/creating his. I should be spending my time & energy on me. I get that!
I am really working hard to not analyze each word/action/breathe/etc....I try to distract myself instead of allowing myself to spin. The other day, I noticed on his list of things to do... "if it hurts, then its real". I guess he is reviewing his feelings & wanted to be reminded of that statement.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yesterday, left work early ... went for mani/pedi & then went out with my friends (a couple that just reconciled) for dinner with an old friend of his & mine from 30 years ago who is visiting in from Japan....then out for drinks. Was a fun/late night. Tired today!
Last edited by makingmagic; 07/24/1404:12 PM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I just wondered about how to respond when he is STILL blaming/comparing to me for his problems. How to fix my response/reaction to what he still feels is true, for him. Thanks for pointing that it takes two to argue... It just bugs me that he gets to feel that way (my fault) and I don't get to respond...
Why respond? What is the point? Would you argue with an insane person and hope to make them sane????
If you MUST respond, do it silently in your head.
But why waste the mental energy, and physical oxygen, responding?? All your "responding" has gotten you absolutely nowhere in 2 years.
There are lots of times in adult life that you DON'T get to respond, or have your say, or make your point.
That is just reality, accept it. Be an adult.
And you know what? He doesn't deserve your response.
He's an a$$hat.
Don't just drop the rope, freaking throw it ALL back to him and run....
IMO.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Wow Heather, there you go again, showing me something that I had been doing without even thinking about it! I did the same type of thing for so many years. I made my life all about making my W's life better! I stayed in jobs I hated so she could be a stay at home mother that she said she always wanted to be (which is now one of the reasons she is leaving the M! She now says she should have worked and I should have "made" her!). I put off things I wanted, to give my W what she wanted. I always thought that this was what a "good" H does for his W. Not only didn't my W appreciate it, she resented me for doing it in the end. I remember when she wanted to go back to work after 15 years as a stay at home mom and she had to reactivate her licence. She was having so much trouble getting everything together, using the web site, the whole process. So what did I do? I took over of course. I "helped" her get her course credits together, wrote the letters she needed to send, filled out the web forms, etc. In the end I would have been much better off if I had just let HER deal with her own stuff and worked on doing for myself.
Listen to Heather, MM. Heck, listen to everyone that has been trying to help you. Right now what I see as the biggest thing holding you back is this insistence that he hasn't made it clear that he just doesn't want you in his life, at least not in a R. Everything he's been doing says he doesn't want a R with you. That much you can see, no matter what "words" he says, his actions are VERY clear. Maybe what you are seeing as him not totally pushing you out of his life is his only wanting you in the business. Maybe he doesn't want to lose a good BUSINESS partner so is trying to have a friendly R with you. Maybe you misinterpret this as his leaving a door open for a romantic R? You really need to get past "but he hasn't totally said he DOESN'T want a R with me in the future...". It's holding you back. Someone saying "Maybe once I get past "X" I'll be able to think about maybe, someday, at some point, IF at that time I feel like it, having a R with you" is NOT worth spending any where close to the energy you do on holding onto hope. Like I said before, DBing is about getting on with YOUR life but leaving a small window open for your S in case, once they get through with their MLC, they may want to reconnect. Your are not only leaving a window open, you are leaving all the windows and doors open and tearing down the front wall and putting up billboards saying "You can come back now if you're ready!!". Like Heather says, it's a very painful thing you are going through. Being rejected by someone who defined your life for so long. But, by not moving past it, by prolonging the process, you are making it hurt more and longer than it should. Not only that you are ensuring that he will never be able to reconnect as he see's what you are doing as "pressure". I know you don't see it that way and if he wasn't in crisis he probably wouldn't either. But he IS in crisis and he see's any R talk, any action that could be in any way seen as chasing as pressure and will run from it. MM, his saying maybe at some future time I will be able to think about a R with you is the same as him saying "I never, ever want to have a R with you, not now, not ever". When you accept this you will be much better able to move on with being the best MM you can be!
