There's a conflict in me between wanting him back and not wanting to be in any relationship at all right now.
I look at it more closely and I see that what I want is a close friendship with him, the pleasure of his time & company, but to have my liberty too.
Because I'm starting to feel like as a woman a relationship means I'm shackled to the other person's needs & desires. This is my parents' example. And I never felt like a whole, sufficient person without a guy by my side. And now I'm letting myself try that on. I need to change my idea of who I can be in a relationship so that returning to one doesn't mean the end of me.
IC has been challenging me the last few weeks to share these things with H. I had been resisting because of OW. That's what my email was about -- taking my courage in the moment it showed up and using it to share how I felt because OW is gone.
I want to reply to his email because I want to take the conversation deeper, find out what he meant by some of what he said, clarify my own hopes on my side. My courage is limited so email is good, plus the words don't go away. I can revisit and process and say what is true rather than true in the moment. I believe this is true for him as well because he says so much more than when he's speaking.
I recognize that there will always be time to reply and I started to frame a reply but decided there wasn't enough substance to it to go through the effort.
What I really, really want to do is go someplace fun with him and practice being natural together. But I worry he would see that as pursuing.
I think my IC would say I can invite him out and be specific about my intentions so neither of us feel crowded. I worry I am pursuing him and I worry about misreading the moment.
This is a lot of work.
Last edited by Maybell; 07/23/1412:15 PM. Reason: Clarity
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I hope you don't mind me adding my opinion here, but I have been following your thread this whole time and there has been a shift in your posts ever since your husband ended his A. The general "vibe" I am getting from you is that you feel the need to do something, anything, and you feel the need to do it now.
I'm not saying that it's wrong, but perhaps you need to take a step back and realise the course has already changed. He's ended his relationship with the OW, so the course has changed.. you don't need to necessarily change it again right now.
There is a sense of urgency to your posts lately.
Please don't take offence to this, it's just my two cents..
Maybell - you've gotten excited (which is totally normal and natural) and I suspect you're trying to lock in the changes that you've seen and maybe try to move them along faster.
Consider how long you've been at this and how frustrating it's been for you and how easy it's been to jump on the smallest hint of change. This seems to be a bigger change, and I imagine that makes it even harder to step back and keep on keepin' on with what you were doing before.
Don't lay all your cards on the table right now. I'd hate for you to be upset again if he backed away or freaked out because of too much too quickly.
For now, take your time, keep posting here, and give some more thought to some of those first points that you made about not wanting to lose yourself in a relationship. Keep thinking about what you want, how you want to work on yourself, and what would need to change for you to be in a successful relationship with your H. where you don't fundamentally change who you are.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
