She did WAW, then I did EA, now I'm DBing...poorly

[HeadUp]

Joe you kept saying that she throws the June thing back in your face. Well she is upset so expect that to always come up. Verbal abuse is still abuse. Now I know when I have blown up in the past at my W I would get verbally abusive we would do this me yelling her yelling and she would follow me when I finally said it is time for a break. She broke down the door to the bathroom when I said I needed a break. So I started driving away to take a break. Her yelling at you infront of the kids isn't good for them. I regret allowing myself to yell at their mother while they were up in the house. Wasn't good. Joe when she is yelling at you or starts to follow you are you being calm and collective and being understanding or are you defending yourself or poking at her about something that she might of said to you? We have to be honest to ourselves and look at what we have done or are doing to make any true change.

[Joe1981]

A little of both. I try to not take shots at her. But I try to make my point and get loud when she cuts me off. I need to just walk away at that point instead of getting loud.

[HeadUp]

Seriously getting your point across doesn't matter. I have a hard time with my W with not getting my point across. She will say something and I have to say my point. I am realizing and working on that it doesn't matter. My W is going to cut me off and I know it. It doesn't matter if I have asked a million times or stopped doing it to her. She will always do it. I have to show her that when she does that I am not going to engage and get upset. Believe me I do and I want to and every fiber of my being wants to, but what does it to. Does it help me get to my goal? Does this help or hurt me getting goal? Both the answers to that is no. I know walking away is hard. Lord is it hard. But she is hurt and upset and she is going to make sure that you know it. So when she gets mad and starts yelling and calling you names (Been there) don't fight back. Listen to what she has to say and think about it and answer her calmly. She might get more upset because your character has been to blow up when she blows up. Change it. Remember be the man that she would look like a fool leaving.

What I have been doing is remember the young heads up that got with my wife all those years ago and remember how I would react to things. How I was happy, in shape (I was 330 in the beginning of the month and now I am 295 so you can do it) I was easy going and loved not being home and a fun guy. I hated yelling. It made me physically sick when I would get that upset. Well I turned into this person that was ok with it. I am not really at all and I am sick of being that person. I am going back to that because before I got with my W that was the best time of my life. That guy is still there and he is coming back in a triumph rock show with fireworks and wailing guitars.

[Joe1981]

Great points! I've been trying to down that road too. 300 to 260 since May.
I like your point of just always remaining calm.
Anyone have advice on how to deal w/ constant attacking emails. I try to be understanding and validate, but when she makes a threat or try to say how things are going to be, I can't help myself. I know the answer, just don't respond if I can't do so in a way that will help.

[pilot]

just dont respond only respond to her when she communicates in a civil manner. she will probably be furious at first, but if she presses why you wont answer, simply reply you want to reply, but you want to discuss things in a civil manner, and will wait till she calms down enough to do so.

[Joe1981]

Good call. She said she's going to move out. She says it like it's a threat. I'm really OK with her moving out, but I hope she can be reasonable about sharing the kids. I don't want the divorce to be a battle, I want to get through it kindly for the kids and be able to co-parent w/ her as friends. If there is a future for her an I, it is there, after she sees the grass isn't always greener and I continue becoming the guy only a fool would leave. This is going to take a long time because of the damage that was done by my actions in May and June. We'll see. I'm as detached from the outcome with her as I can be at this point. I'm much more concerned with the kids. I would love to give her space, but I can't leave the kids and weaken my chances of having them 50/50.

[Joe1981]

Time to try much harder on going dark. I'm seeing that not giving in and moving out is the right thing to do. If she wants to upset the apple-cart, then so be it. I'm trying to stay strong. I love my kids and I'm just going to soak up the time I get as much as I can, because even if I get 50/50, that's waaaaay less time w/ them than I want to have.

[labug]

A little of both. I try to not take shots at her. But I try to make my point and get loud when she cuts me off. I need to just walk away at that point instead of getting loud.

No, you need to not try to make your point-that's you biting the hook.

There are NO points made in a yelling match.

Learn to walk away.

[labug]

Good call. She said she's going to move out. She says it like it's a threat. I'm really OK with her moving out, but I hope she can be reasonable about sharing the kids. I don't want the divorce to be a battle, I want to get through it kindly for the kids and be able to co-parent w/ her as friends. If there is a future for her an I, it is there, after she sees the grass isn't always greener and I continue becoming the guy only a fool would leave. This is going to take a long time because of the damage that was done by my actions in May and June. We'll see. I'm as detached from the outcome with her as I can be at this point. I'm much more concerned with the kids. I would love to give her space, but I can't leave the kids and weaken my chances of having them 50/50.

Did an attorney tell you that last sentence is true?

Why do you say you hope she's reasonable? You have some say in that.

You have way too many expectations. Forget what may happen in the future, you have no clue. Deal with today.

You could have a separation agreement that gives you the kids 50/50. Don't fool yourself into thinking that kids living in a home with verbal abuse is a good thing just because the parents are still together.

I know this might sound harsh and not quite "DB" but your kids are the most important thing here. When you're still in a marriage, working on a M, the marriage should be but once you're at this stage, the kids take the #1 spot. If my S would break down a door to get into a BR to follow me as the other poster related, the legal wheels would be turning so fact it'd make your head spin.

[labug]

Great points! I've been trying to down that road too. 300 to 260 since May.
I like your point of just always remaining calm.
Anyone have advice on how to deal w/ constant attacking emails. I try to be understanding and validate, but when she makes a threat or try to say how things are going to be, I can't help myself. I know the answer, just don't respond if I can't do so in a way that will help.

By just not responding, you're not taking responsibility for you.

You don't validate verbal abuse, it that's in fact what she's doing.

"I will respond to emails about the children or household business. I will respond to emails that don't <whatever it is that you deem attacking>"

Keep all your emails.