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Meghan Offline OP
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Journaling: Today wound up being rough for no good reason other than I let it be. I woke up weepy, cried a bit through breakfast, and then completely lost it at lunch. I talked again with my parents about my tendency to keep blaming myself for what happened and explained that I consistently feel like I should have done more - had more sex, been more affectionate, listened better, saw my doctor sooner, and on and on and on. they weren't surprised by this - it's been something I've done since I was a child.

That said, I'm still somewhat unclear why I'm having such a hard time letting the blame go. I can sit here and acknowledge my failings while also listing the ways that H. has contributed to our issues. I have a handful of friends who have all made the same points about why I shouldn't wholly blame myself and why H. needs to take some responsibility and fix himself before anything else. Many people here have made the same points. But I'm letting his anger, hurt, and blame override my opinion and that of everyone else, and it's really doing a number on me.

On the up side, I did manage to get myself out to Ikea this afternoon. I've decided that I want a new bed and maybe some other furniture for my new, better life, so I'm starting to look at options. I also took a lovely nap and watched some funny TV this afternoon, got out for a walk, and spent a bit of time writing about what I want my life to look like going forward and steps I can start taking to make it better and easier in some concrete ways.

Right now, though, it feels a bit like I'm trying to fake it until I make it. My GALing is still marked by some sadness and loneliness, and if I'm honest I think I'm still sometimes doing it as much for him as for me (so he'll see the changes and all that), which is something that I need to let go of. I'm hoping that I can manage a shift soon so that it's not so marked by feelings of loss and more focused on actually living the kind of life I want to have. Today's trip out helped, but I need to be a lot more active in terms of planning things to do, working on doing the things from the list that I made awhile back, and figuring out additional activities and things that interest me enough to get me really excited, engaged, and eager.


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Meghan, I have been taking St. John's Wort for the last few months and it has helped even out some of those moods (did clear with my doctor, who offered anti-depressants when she heard about my sitch). It doesn't hurt to use the tools available to you when you're going through a challenging time.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Meghan Offline OP
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Thanks, Maybell - my doctor suggested against anti-depressants for now, but I think I might ask about that, and push for something, at least. I have some anti-anxiety medications for rough days, but I could use something to help calm things down on the regular.


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Meghan,

Don't expect too much from yourself so soon.

I could be wrong, but you sound to me like you are a "do-er," a "fixer." Those of us who are like that often feel defeated and weak when we don't live up to our own expectations of ourselves. Even if those expectations are way too far-reaching.

When we are facing the "death" of a relationship (I'm definitely not saying your relationship, per se, is over ... but surely the one you guys had BEFORE is dead in the water, agreed??), we go through some of the same feelings as we do when - let's be honest - someone we love has died. Except, in THIS case, they're still here. And they've betrayed us.

So we are dealing with grief, mourning AND betrayal.

Go easy on yourself.

At the same time, continue focusing on YOU and things that make YOU happy.

I know it feels awkward. But you are getting stronger every minute of every day.

And pretty soon, you will get to the point of asking yourself: is what HE is offering good enough for ME?? Don't feel guilty about asking yourself that, either.

As a vet says on these boards: You're the cake. He's the frosting. And that's the bottom-line in even the healthiest of relationships.

Find peace with and in yourself.

If he rejects that? Silly him.


M: 40 H: 44
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Meghan Offline OP
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I think I'm letting myself wallow while I'm away from home because I can be upset without H. seeing me. Other than counseling sessions which have left me emotional, I think that recently I've kept things pretty even keeled and upbeat. This is unusual for me, and can therefore be pretty draining. It's been a relief to be able to be upset when I need to while I'm here, but it's not doing much in terms of pushing me to be better.

So, it's back to GALing I go.

So far, I have:
- set up dinner and a movie with a friend tomorrow
- set up lunch and a hike with another friend on Saturday
- set up tea with yet another friend on Monday
- booked an IC appointment to work on anxiety/assertiveness/self-esteem issues
- tried out new beds (in preparation for buying one)

Up next, I'm planning to:
- declutter and deep clean the apartment
- rearrange some furniture and pictures
- set up a meditation and yoga space
- actually do more meditation and yoga
- get a new haircut
- start a new knitting project
- join a wind ensemble
- sign up for a pottery class


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Looks fabulous! Try to enjoy and soak up every glorious moment of your unexpected "you" time. It's good for the soul. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
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Meghan Offline OP
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Train,

I am, indeed, a do-er and a fixer. I've always held myself to very high standards and, for the most part, I've met them pretty well.

I agree that the relationship that we had is dead, and I'd even venture to say that's a good thing. It wasn't making H. happy, and it wasn't making me happy either. But it's still incredibly difficult to be here with some who looks like my H. and sounds like him but doesn't act like him all that often anymore. I hadn't thought of this as betrayal, per se, but the unwillingness to work on the relationship seems to fit the bill.

I do have moments now where I wonder if what he's offering is good enough. I don't think what he's been offering for the last however many years has been. Although I've greatly appreciated some things that he's done for me, particularly in terms of emotional caregiving, there are a number of things that have been less than ideal. These things would need to change at some point for this to work.

For now, I'm trying to keep my eye on being a better version of myself. It's perhaps a bit too easy to wallow when I'm around people who just want to care for me, but I'm going to try to spend some more time out and about in the world this week and planning for some things that I think will help to improve my life.


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Meghan Offline OP
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Journaling: Woke up panicked and sad today, as per usual, but sat with it for a bit and it did start to dissipate. I asked myself some questions about what I want from life and who I want to be with, which helped to clarify some things. I also reminded myself of my positive contributions to the relationship and that helped a bit too.

I still feel sad. I'm frustrated that H. feels he's done all of the work he can on the relationship and that he's doesn't feel he should have to do any more when I'm standing here ready to work on our issues. The thought of never having the chance to work through them is heartbreaking (although he'd probably say that I've had all the chances in the world).

But, if nothing else, since I can't fix him I'm going to have to focus on me instead, and that's probably a really good thing right now. I have my own stuff to work on. I'm determined to make today better than yesterday. The plan is to do some work, get in a run, maybe do some errands, and then spend some time with a friend.


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Meghan I'm the last person to give advice today but I wanted to stop in and reach out to share a hug.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well. (I find that that last bit is perhaps the most important) thanks for your support!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Meghan Offline OP
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Thanks for the hug, Maybell - hugs are always appreciated. I'm sending one your way too - it sounds like you're having a rough time, but know that this too shall pass.


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
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