How to balance that "brutal reality" with the mix of hope and optimism one needs in order to keep pushing forward?
This is THE best philosophy I've ever encountered, personally, that I think threads the needle between the two:
STOCKDALE PARADOX:
"You must retain faith that you can prevail to greatness in the end, while retaining the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality."
Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the "Hanoi Hilton" for almost eight years. He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? "Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties." He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple "optimism" - and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: "and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots' evasiveness create - until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one's current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.
I guess the best thing you can do is make a contingency plan. Run it by the good folks here.
She may come back and say nothing. Play it by ear.
If she comes back and wants a separation/divorce, don't fight her on it. You can pull the "I don't want to make hasty decisions" speech only for so long and the mysterious, "I have a lot to think about" line for a limited amount of time. If she's resolute in wanting a divorce, you dragging your heels will only give away your power and get you hit by the divorce truck she's driving.
You are strong, you have a sense of self, and you have things YOU want.
You reminding her you DON'T want a divorce while you are divorcing is kind of weak and pathetic. If she sees your serious about moving on without her, she might take notice.
If you were to divorce, what do YOU want?
Shared custody?
Her to move out?
Sell the house, etc?
If she wants to move to NYC -- she's free to go. You and the kids stay in your home in Boston. She can come up every other weekend and hang with them.
Most of us who had cheating spouses acted like we were footnotes in our spouses life. It's YOUR life. You need to act like you are the main character in your own play.
As an aside there's a lot of research on lost loves (It's called the Lost Love Project). Affairs that re-kindle a past romance are VERY powerful and are almost irresistible. They succeed at about the same rate as regular affairs (5% of the time). If she does leave you and marries him, that marriage has only a 25% chance of succeeding. This means it will, most likely, burn out. However. she will put you through hell before it's done. You may not have the emotional resolve to outlast her affair. She sees younger self in her ex boyfriend. This [censored]. Of course, you don't have to sit around and wait for her to get tired of her lover. You have options.
Thanks Theoden. I agree that one concern that I have is that they rekindle some lost love. He treated her poorly when they date and cheated on her all of the time, but she stayed with him for 12+ months. But you are right, I need to know what I want (besides not divorcing). I want to be happy and be a great father to my kids. I want her involved in the kids' lives and would be good with joint physical custody if she lives nearby.
I think this weekend, she likely will say she wants to separate and get her space. She will deny the A. My only hope that she won't move to NYC is that she loves our kids and will not want to see them every other weekend. I know she loves our kids. But she will be upset with me for not moving there (after saying I would, but that was before I learned about the A). That is no reason for her to stay in our marriage. She needs to want to stay in our marriage not because she cannot make her A work from a distance.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
So i accidently sent an email to my wife that I meant to send to myself (I do that all of the time as a reminder). I copied Starsky's comments to say "I don't want a divorce, and haven't really thought about a separation, but if you want to leave I will not stop you. I'm certainly not leaving, and nor am I going to allow the kids to leave. "I will not allow our family's assets to be spent on your affair" and meant to send it to myself. I sent it to my wife by accident.
Uggh (sorta)
She texted me just now and said "I just got back to my desk and am blown away by your email."
I have not responded to her text. Should I? I think the answer is no and I just keep pulling back.
Thoughts?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Wow, ok. Damage, but nothing that's going to break the bank either way.
I would reply "Yeah, well this is pretty difficult on all of us."
or
"Looks like we both have some decisions to make. Not sure what the future will bring but I've decided that I'm at least going to be honest with myself and with you moving forward, and calling it what it is."
or
"Yeah I've gotten pretty good at 'blown away' too lately. Lots to think about."
Just some suggestions. You could always just ignore, as there's really no question in there and it's not about the kids.
