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I was going to add: If you pull back a little and treat her like you would a neighbor, she's GOING to notice. And it'll make her wheels start spinnin'.

And that's a good thing. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
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IMPORTANT NOTE: Please don't misunderstand me; do NOT go into "Dikk Mode" with your wife. Your tone should be civil, firm, resolute, and as calm as you can muster. This is no time to go all Neanderthal on her; you just don't want to continue the "BFF" thing anymore either, now that you know about her infidelity.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: Train
I was going to add: If you pull back a little and treat her like you would a neighbor, she's GOING to notice. And it'll make her wheels start spinnin'.

And that's a good thing. smile



BINGO.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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shodan Offline OP
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Thanks all. I do tend to treat my neighbors well smile. So at dinner, be civil, ask about her business meetings but focus on the kids. Don't ask if she wants anything, etc. Be happy but don't appear angry. But be curt with her.

And the kids don't know about anything at this time. My D (10) is pretty intuitive, so she might figure something out soon. But my W and I want to put the kids first, hence why she wants me to move to NYC (with no promise of making the M work) so we both can parent the kids. I was going that direction because I figured it gave us the best chance of R until the A was revealed this weekend. Now I know moving to NYC with my W having an A is not the right decision for my family.

However, what is funny is we have been having some great times together (my W and I). I had offered to buy tickets to a concert a few weeks ago (i know, not the right move) and she said no at that time, said it was too soon. But on Friday, as we drank wine and ate the steak that I had cooked, she asked if we were going to the concert the next night and could not remember where we landed. She even looked into getting tickets, but they were way too expensive. This does not seem the move of someone who wants to leave a M. Perhaps she is just confused. But now that the A has been revealed and she refuses to acknowledge it, I just don't know anything any more.

Man, this [censored].


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
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Originally Posted By: shodan


But on Friday, as we drank wine and ate the steak that I had cooked, she asked if we were going to the concert the next night and could not remember where we landed. She even looked into getting tickets, but they were way too expensive. This does not seem the move of someone who wants to leave a M. Perhaps she is just confused. But now that the A has been revealed and she refuses to acknowledge it, I just don't know anything any more.



She may be legitimately confused, or she may want a fallback option if one of the relationships doesn't work out. Whether you're Option #1 or Option #2 in that calculus should matter not one whit to you; "I will not live in an open marriage" I assume is your boundary?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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shodan Offline OP
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yup, totally agree. i do not want to live in an open marriage.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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Originally Posted By: shodan


Man, this [censored].



Yep -- no question. The way the guy who mentored ME thru my sitch so elegantly put it one day early on, "Life just handed you a great big sh&t sandwich. Time to start biting."

Steel yourself, brother -- you're in for one helluva ride. But it CAN be done (with no guarantees), and it sounds like you have the benefit of some really good "Plan A"-type interactions with your wife these past few months.

Are you sure this other guy's divorced?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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shodan Offline OP
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I think the other guy is. I had a friend look at his college alumni website and it says he is married BUT I was on his W facebook page (not everything is hidden) and there is no mention of this guy. So I think he is divorced. All of her pictures are with friends but not him.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
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Posts: 6,810
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You mentioned that your wife had stated back in June that she wanted a divorce. Have either one of you met with any attorneys yet?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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When you get a moment, tell us what your financial arrangements are, Shodan. You both work; who pays for what? Who pays for her cellphone service?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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