My M is one that received another chance thanks, in large part, to Starsky's guidance and knowledge. And he's *especially* on point from a male's POV. You'll get stellar advice from him. Most importantly; if a M is going to be saved, I firmly believe it WILL with his method, even it feels completely counter-intuitive.
Hang in there, and stay strong!
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I felt like I had been making some inroads by DBing, showing her through my actions that I had changed. It seemed to have been working and had been my plan until Sunday when I discovered the A. Until then, my plan had been to stay the course, make small talk from time to time, etc. So to learn that she has been having an affair was a total punch in the gut.
Shodan, I had been on that same path for the first few mos of this year- felt good about myself, our interactions, thought OM was out of the picture and felt we were making progress. Then I found out that the A was ongoing and I flipped out. Made threats that I couldn't/didn't keep and took several steps backwards.
Point of my story- you're on the right track, stay strong!
Here is another conundrum. How do I deal with this weekend when she is back? Do we do fun family things or should I refuse to do them? But I want to be with my kids as well. Do we just not talk to each other and not do anything together with the kids, who still don't know anything.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Thanks Starsky, this is SO hard. I felt like I had been making some inroads by DBing, showing her through my actions that I had changed. It seemed to have been working and had been my plan until Sunday when I discovered the A. Until then, my plan had been to stay the course, make small talk from time to time, etc. In fact, I BBQ a great dinner for her on Friday (and for the kids) and sent her a text with a pic of the steak and two glasses of wine. She responded "Yay, on my way home." So to learn that she has been having an affair was a total punch in the gut. I know this is the right plan. It just is creating a hole in my heart and stomach right now.
Thanks again for your help.
I know, and I'm sorry for the short posts before. I had to take my wife for some pre-op tests, but I wanted to check in on you so I was on my iPhone. I myself went thru this 7 years ago (I'll post a link to my sitch later), so I know what a kick in the gut it can be. I personally felt like a truck ran over my chest and then just PARKED THERE.
Don't worry about all the DBing you did -- IT WAS NEEDED! You said yourself that there are things you did to contribute to the marital dysfunction. So it was important that your wife see your positive changes before you took your strong stance -- that is good!! Harley calls this "Plan A," and MWD calls it "be the better option," but it's the same concept -- you show the wayward spouse your BEST SELF before (if they don't turn away from their infidelity) issuing your "I won't remain in an open marriage" boundary.
You did great. LET HER TWIST for awhile; she is GOING to push you to try and find out what you're thinking, but DON'T ANSWER. If it's in person and you have to, just say "We both have some decisions to make, and I have a lot to think about" or something vague like that. Be a broken record and repeat the "I don't want a divorce, but I WON'T live in an open marriage" line and end the convo.
You can do this. Your family needs a hero, bro, and right now it's NOT going to be your wife. Time to go "Papabear."
Here is another conundrum. How do I deal with this weekend when she is back? Do we do fun family things or should I refuse to do them? But I want to be with my kids as well. Do we just not talk to each other and not do anything together with the kids, who still don't know anything.
If the kids were already aware of the plans and looking forward to them, keep them. Be civil to your wife -- even courteous/friendly -- but DON'T act like her B.F.F.
If the kids were NOT already aware of the plans, I would cancel them, telling your wife "I don't think it's appropriate considering what's going on right now" or something similar.
We can talk more later about how to keep things together around the kids.
Thanks for everything Starsky. The kids do know about the plan. It was just going out to dinner. I just struggle with that piece. How do be nice in front of her but not send the wrong message to her or the kids.
I hope your W is ok (you mentioned pre-op tests).
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Thanks for everything Starsky. The kids do know about the plan. It was just going out to dinner. I just struggle with that piece. How do be nice in front of her but not send the wrong message to her or the kids.
You're not sending ANY message to the kids, as they don't know yet anything about the A (correct?).
As for your wife, I'm betting you can thread the needle between what D10 and S7 can pick up on, and your wife still reading it all over you that "Oh cr*p; Shodan is NOT okay with this, and this is a side of him I haven't seen before!"
Another thing you can say to your wife when she demands to know what you're thinking/what you're going to do (and trust me, she WILL try to grill you):
"I don't know yet, and frankly I don't owe you any answers at this point. We both have some decisions to make."
