Good call. There will be a time and a place for each of those (or something similar).
I've got a million of 'em. Another favorite: "You don't get to tell me how I'm supposed to feel about this." (alt. version, which I used when she was P*SSED about a heartfelt -- but direct -- long handwritten letter our D-then-18 left her): "You don't get to tell (D18) how she gets to feel about this."
-Send her an email with STD statistics, no other comments.
-Secrets kill marriages.
-You are being played.
- Your current behavior is not helping the children.
- "No contact" means "no contact". Working in close quarters with someone who's admitted being attracted to you, and vice-versa, is inappropriate in a HEALTHY marriage. It's absolutely DESTRUCTIVE in one that's on the rocks!
- How will you be able to counsel your daughters one day if they're having problems? To cut and run? To have an affair?
- You are placing your friend before your husband, and your friendship before your marriage.
- Forget ME for a moment; you are not going to like yourself someday if you keep going down this path.
- (S-then-14) and (S-then-11) need you more than ever.
IF SHE TRIES "R" TALK:
DON'T argue past points with her. Simply state the truth of today.
- She is having an affair.
- It is impossible to analyze issues with the marriage as along as she is having an affair.
- You can't analyze a relationship where one partner is making unilateral decisions to bring a third person into the relationship.
- Betrayal is an intensely painful action for one person to inflict on another.
These are to be "landed" no more than 1-2x per week. And only when in context. "You can't teach a wayward" when they are in their PEA-induced euphoria about their affair partner, but you CAN land little "truth darts" here and there.
ALL of this needs to be done while cleaning up your own side of the street. Work on those issues that YOU know are really things you need to work on -- those criticisms of her that "sting" (as opposed to any recent "re-writing of marital history")
I always asked myself this when deciding to respond to my H's texts, especially when he was lashing out or playing the victim (both of which happened VERY often):
1. Is the text asking a question? If yes, then is it a valid question that warrants a response? 2. Is this an emergency? 3. Does the text have anything to do with the children?
Everything else, I just ignored.
It bugged the crap out of him, but that's not why I did it. I ignored him so that I wouldn't engage with him and make our sitch even worse.
Watch that technology, man. It's brutal sometimes. But take heart: you aren't the first person who has hit the wrong button or sent something to the wrong person. A valuable saying I would tell myself when I would slip-up: "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging."
You are one smart cookie.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Great advice and truth darts. As always thank you to both of you. What will be hard is this weekend and how a balance drawing the line and working on myself and where I can be better. I need to make sure I am portrayed only a fool would leave.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
Just continue with those changes that you wanted to do for YOU, and stop trying to please or pursue your wife in any way. So long as she's with another man she's not going to be emotionally receptive to it anyway.
Thinking ahead a bit, but what if she never admits to the A? My W comes back Sat but heads back to NYC T-W next week (which I assume will be extended by a day or two). She then is in NYC the following week for a few days. I cannot stop that, I know. Do I just stay the course, stay patient and continue to work on myself and be the best dad that I can be?
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
For the most part, yes. While getting your legal and financial ducks in a row, in case things come to that.
Personally, I finally grew weary of my wife continuing to lie to me and to everyone else about her affair, and I called her on it. Texted her one day and told her I wanted to meet her in one hour, and when we met I brought a big manila envelope with me, with a bunch of papers inside (they were all blank). Brought her one particularly salacious snippet of a parking lot rendezvous between her and OM in her car, and played it for her. Told her I was tired of all the deceit, and it had to stop. That we raised our kids that "families always tell the truth," and I wasn't going to stop now, and if she didn't stop lying to our adult children and to her parents, I was going to show them everything I had.
Gave her exactly five minutes to decide.
She agreed to let me drive her to her parents house, where she told them the truth (she had been lying about ME through the whole thing, making me out to be some crazy person for claiming she was having an affair). Then she phoned both of our adult daughters (then 18 and 21) that night and told them the truth about OM.
It took another month or so for her affair to end, and our reconciliation to begin . . . and it was rough. Had our fits and starts. Took a good TWO YEARS of hard "piecing" work. But I was determined that while I couldn't stop her AFFAIR, I damned sure wasn't going to put up with her DECEIT -- not to the very people in this world that I loved and respected the most.
It worked for me, but it's not for everyone. And it's really not even DB. It's sort of the "after the after the LRT" in MWD's book I guess.
She can deny it all she wants, but she can't stop you from proceeding as it's the truth. YOU control that.
Wow. Thanks for sharing that. How long after you confronted her about the A and when you finally said what you said?
Given this is still early for me, I assume I stay the course.
And I know the answer to my next question, but I need to ask. She told me she confided in one of her friends about wanting a divorce. It sounds like her friend was comforting and of course sided with her. But, I know her friend would have a different view if they knew about the A. Especially since she knows this guy from college as well and did not like him. He treated my W poorly back then and cheated on her all of the time. I was not going to call out the A to her friend, but perhaps mention to her that there are two sides to all stories and that she might have a different view if she knew the full story.
Me: 40, W: 40 M: 15, T: 18 D - 10, S - 7 D announcement 6/7/2014 A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W) Still living together and sharing same bed
