WAW having an A but she denies it

[shodan]

Hello,

I have been following these threads and would love some advice.

Here is my sitch. My W told me on 6/7/14 that she wanted a divorce. She has been unhappy for a long time, I had broken her heart and ultimately she has nothing left for me. This was a total shock to me. I recognized that we had got caught up in the life of a typical married couple: work and kids. We have a seven and ten year old so our life had started becoming very child focused.

However, I never knew the pain that she was feeling. I was heart broken and did everything wrong (sent gifts, pleaded, etc.). But I also read DB and DR. I did a really good job listening and uncovered a lot of her pain and the sources of her pain. I had not been present, I was too controlling, and I was not showing her the appropriate amount of attention and affection. Ultimately, she said that she knew that I did not love her and that I did not find her attractive. She said we had gotten married to early (we were married at 25 and have been married for 15 years, together for 18). This was far from the truth but clearly her perception was different from my reality.

Things started out tense but she slowly lowered her wall as we talked more and I changed. I stayed away from trying to change her and spent my time changing myself. In fact, I thanked my wife for telling me what she did because I had an epiphany and was a changed man. I loved the man that I was becoming. I was a better person, father, friend and spouse. We did some family events and had a great time. We hung out more, drank some wine and talked. She even commented that she felt like she was married to a stranger due to all of the changes that I had made. However, she also would say "this is too little too late" and that "if she could snap her fingers and change her feelings towards me, she would but she could not". But she said her feelings were her feelings and she did not see a future together.

As I did research, I also realized that my wife was having a MLC. Her father had died suddenly a month before her D announcement. She was traveling more for work and loving it. She commented that people were commenting about her appearance and she really liked the attention.

She then accepted a job in NYC (we live in Boston) and asked me to move with her and the kids (S 7, D 10). I told her that I did not want to move to NYC if we were going to get divorced. But then if living in NYC was going to make her happy, then we should move.

I continued working on myself and showing her I was a changed man. I agreed with her that I had not been present as much as I should and I had not been giving her the attention that I should have. As much as I loved my wife, I had not showed her that through my actions.

We had a few really great "dates" where she commented how fun I had been. She allowed me to touch her a bit more (no kissing or anything but putting my hand on her left during a movie) and even allowed me to give her a very sensual massage one night (no sex). So I figured that things were improving. DB works I thought.

But I had been noticing that she was texting a lot on her phone and usually quickly shut off her phone when I entered the room. She also said a lot of the things that DB says a W says when she is having an affair. So I broke down and looked at my W's phone (I figured out the code). And there I found a very explicit text between her and someone with the initials SG. She was traveling the next week to NYC and she had invited him to spend the night every night. She texted to him that he made her feel like she was 21 all over again. The OM even asked my W it was OK if he went out that night (OM is NYC, W was in Boston with me). She wrote back "of course". They were corresponding like a couple. This was not a one time fling.

I confronted her and she denied it. She said the text was from a guy from work (whose initials were not SG but his last name began with Sag). He had been flirting with her and she allowed it to happen. She apologized for it and said it was wrong. But then she said that maybe we should separate since she clearly enjoyed this type of attention. She left for NYC a few hours later (on a Sunday, early in the afternoon).

The next day I checked out my linkedin profile and found that her ex boyfriend from college had checked out my profile. His initials are SG. It all made sense. Referring to feeling like she is 21 again. He lives in NYC. He was recently divorced. Contrary to DB advice, I texted her and told her I knew about the OM and texted her his name. My W replied 9 hours later with "huh?" and then said she could not talk because she was at a client dinner.

So what should I do? I want to work on my M but cannot do this while my W is in an A. I know I need to GAL and work on myself. But my W is denying the affair. Should I do a LRT? Should I tell her to drop the A or we cannot work on the M? Should I try to show her I am changed since this approach seemed to have been working? Or was my W just being nice so she could have her cake and eat it too? My W texted my D that she wants to do a family dinner on Saturday when she gets back. Should I say no?


D announcement 6/7/2014
Me 40, W 40
D - 10, S - 7
M: 15, T: 18
We still live together and share the same bed

[shodan]

More info...my W just texted that she will call me later to talk. I am not sure whether I should take the call or let it go to VM.

[Starsky309]

Do NOT tell her what you know, and what you don't know. Say only "I know all about you and ______, and it needs to stop, immediately. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage and to our family." By not telling her what you know specifically, she will have to assume you know EVERYTHING.

Tell her nothing more than "I do not want a divorce, but make no mistake -- I am not willing to live in an open marriage. End your affair and come back and work on the marriage with me, and you will find that I am ready and willing to work on all issues, including my own, as I've already been doing as you know."

Then end the convo, and remain distant and mysterious. The phrases "I'm not sure how I feel about that" or "Sounds like we both have some important decisions to make" are your friends.

More later, gotta go to an appt . . . how you handle this is a CRITICAL step, shodan. Make sure you post here first without doing anything drastic or getting into any deep convos with her!!!


Starsky

[Starsky309]

P.S.

She WILL lie to you. All cheaters lie -- PERIOD. If she does, cut her off and say "Please stop it -- we both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. When you're ready to at least be honest with me, we can talk further. I gotta go" (and end the convo).

[shodan]

Starsky

Thanks for this direct feedback. I had texted her to say that we should talk about her plans re: NYC because what i know changes everything. Her response was "huh" and that she would call me. But, she has not called me anyway.

I am not going to call or text her back. But what I don't know is how to handle this weekend when she gets back. As mentioned in my original post, she texted my D(on a group text with me that my Dhad started with us) that we will go to dinner on Sat night. While I want to maintain a happy home for my kids, that just seems to be giving her what she wants. Her OM in NYC and her family in Boston. Until this weekend when I discovered the A, I had been doing fun things on the weekend to show her that I had changed. As stated, she commented that she was having fun and seemed to be lowering her wall. But, given that she is having the A, clearly her actions or responses either were for show or were just showing her confusion.

[shodan]

My W just called. I picked up and she was very casual, apologizing for calling back so much later than she had told me. I then went straight into what you wrote, telling her that I knew about the A and that it was disrespectful to me, our family and our marriage. She quickly denied it and said "I don't know what you are talking about". I repeated your piece about lying and that I wanted to work on our M but the A had to end. I ended it by saying "When you're ready to at least be honest with me, we can talk further. I gotta go." and then I hung up.

Now I will just move on...

[shodan]

Of course, I also feel like I just pushed my W closer to the OM. I know that is probably not the case, but the thought does linger.

[Starsky309]

Of course, I also feel like I just pushed my W closer to the OM. I know that is probably not the case, but the thought does linger.

That's ok -- we're playing the long game here. DBing is a marathon, not a sprint.

Ya done GOOD!!!

More in about an hour. DON'T REENGAGE HER right now; LEAVE HER BE.


Starsky

[Tarheel]

DON'T REENGAGE HER right now; LEAVE HER BE

YES!! Trust me- don't back down from the stance you just issued.

[shodan]

Thanks Starsky, this is SO hard. I felt like I had been making some inroads by DBing, showing her through my actions that I had changed. It seemed to have been working and had been my plan until Sunday when I discovered the A. Until then, my plan had been to stay the course, make small talk from time to time, etc. In fact, I BBQ a great dinner for her on Friday (and for the kids) and sent her a text with a pic of the steak and two glasses of wine. She responded "Yay, on my way home." So to learn that she has been having an affair was a total punch in the gut. I know this is the right plan. It just is creating a hole in my heart and stomach right now.

Thanks again for your help.