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mdu Offline OP
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Feeling terribly hopeless about things. We have so much working against us now with OW in the office, my various f ups, no opportunities to see each other since the kids don't have any sports right now. I reread my prior posts and previously we connected a lot over the kids. But now, it seems like the kids are reasonably adjusted to our current sitch so we're not really even discussing them a whole lot at this point.

I opted to call H last evening since as I mentioned from rereading my prior posts it was clear some pursuit works with H. I called him to tell him about a big work development for me --- potential big opportunity. I kept it 100% about sharing my work news and did not ask at all about OW in the office and he did not volunteer anything. I got off the phone relatively quickly. He was warm and sweet so that was good. But I still sense he is really, really pulling back from me.

I will speak to DBing coach later today and see what she thinks.

I know I should pull back and not worry about the timeline but I feel a real sense of urgency because my stepson's wedding is coming right up in early October. I know H feels the need for us to be firmly on a path, on way or another, by then. I kind of feel the same, if by the wedding we have not decided to reconcile then it seems like it would be quite tough to recover from being excluded from things like family photos at this major event. I realize this also works against us because clearly we need time...and probably lots of it, especially with this latest development around OW in the office. But I'm not sure how to handle? Any thoughts?

Man, it seems suddenly we have so, so much going against us now. I just can't get over how dramatically things have turned for the worse. You think you have some measure of control over your life but in the end, you really don't. I mean obviously we can't control OW moving here and that is really, really working against us. I know I have done things to work against us too but with OW moving here layered on top, it's just a disaster.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 883
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Originally Posted By: mdu
But I'm not sure how to handle? Any thoughts?

Take that timeline, screw it up, throw it out the window and if it comes back, burn it. One thing I've learned is that there is no timeline. Sure, it would be fantastic if everything fell into place by a certain time but it doesn't work like that. My anniversary is next month and right now, it's a non-event. I still have confidence my situation will work out though. Working along a timeline is an attempt at control.

As I said in my previous post, you know that your husband responds well to a little pursuit. I don't think there's any harm doing that at this point as long as you do the following:

- keep it about you, him and the kids;
- apply NO pressure. He will come around in his own time and honestly, it may take longer than it did before because you've zeroed his trust account; and
- you focus on yourself away from your interactions with your husband (ie. GAL).

Also:
Originally Posted By: mdu
Man, it seems suddenly we have so, so much going against us now. I just can't get over how dramatically things have turned for the worse. You think you have some measure of control over your life but in the end, you really don't.

This may sound harsh but you were in control. Sure, you didn't control him, and you never will, but you controlled yourself and he responded positively. As things improved, you started to expect him to move toward you faster and when he didn't, you started to feel anxious. From this point, you started to try and control the situation and instead lost control of yourself and your emotions.

Please believe in yourself. Everyone here does. OW being in the picture makes things harder, not impossible. The key here is you mastering your emotions.


Me: 31, W: 29
T: 4 M: 2
Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3)
Separated, still living together: Nov 2013
Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014
W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
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mdu Offline OP
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Harsh is good Barrybran. It's what I need to hear.

You're right, I don't believe in myself at all. I keep proving over and over that I can't control my emotions. It's certainly something I have struggled with all my life. At 40 years old I have a hard time imagining I can turn this ship around, especially in this situation that is the MOST emotionally intense of my life.

I think he's going to just file for divorce. I really do. Although I appreciate folks giving me the harsh reality of how I've contributed to this, I'm also very frightened of my emotions. I think I will be so devastated if he files and blame myself so much that I may really spiral into a very intense, dangerous place emotionally. Sometimes I think it's safer (emotionally) if I do NOT put so much blame on myself. This BB becomes a little dangerous for me in that way.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: Barrybran

This may sound harsh but you were in control. Sure, you didn't control him, and you never will, but you controlled yourself and he responded positively. As things improved, you started to expect him to move toward you faster and when he didn't, you started to feel anxious. From this point, you started to try and control the situation and instead lost control of yourself and your emotions.

Please believe in yourself. Everyone here does. OW being in the picture makes things harder, not impossible. The key here is you mastering your emotions.


fwiw, mdu, this is precisely my take on this as well. You need to dig deep within yourself and stop the self-spiraling and negativity, as it is NOT going to help you here.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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MDU, you should not be here to blame yourself. You're here for third-party perspective on areas where you can work on yourself. Beating up on yourself is counter productive to DBing.

Please don't panic. It's only Tuesday!! You are borrowing trouble.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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mdu Offline OP
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Thx Starsky & Maybell.

Anxious to get to IC appointment on Thursday. Not that it will be a magic bullet but hopefully a step in the right direction. Spoke to DBing coach today and she helped me achieve some clarity around goals and next steps over the next few weeks. Going to see my physician tomorrow too. I'm considering anti-depressants, have never taken anything like that before but feel like I may need some extra help in the near term, we'll see what she says.

Got a GAL plan tonight to go out with a friend (H will have kids), glad I have that to look forward to.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: mdu
Going to see my physician tomorrow too. I'm considering anti-depressants, have never taken anything like that before but feel like I may need some extra help in the near term, we'll see what she says.


There is no shame in that, mdu. I myself had my doctor prescribe two of them for me -- one for any short-term crisis or "panic attack" type situations (which thankfully, I only had to ever use two or three times), and one daily one that was actually an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety one, that would help "even me out" over the long term.

I stayed on that last one a good full year after my wife and I got back together, even, as it really helped me piece, and then I eventually got off of it. Do what you have to do to get your focus and demeanor right.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mdu Offline OP
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Thanks Starsky, it helps a lot that you shared that.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
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Originally Posted By: mdu
Thanks Starsky, it helps a lot that you shared that.


Oh, I got lots of 1st-person horror stories, mdu, lol. Did I tell you about the time I had to go for a full-panel STD test, since I knew my wife's affair had gone physical? Did I mention that my personal physician was a WOMAN at the time?

Yeah, THAT wasn't embarrassing. blush frown


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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mdu Offline OP
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Ugh, I went in for the STD tests immediately the day after I found out about the A. I had to see someone who was not my normal doctor because I was in such a crazied state I needed a Xanax prescription ASAP as well. The woman I saw said every wrong thing that a person possibly could to a LBS. The thought of her pitied looks still make me cringe. At least I got it over with quickly and I survived. And I did it, I imagine too many folks avoid the STD tests entirely. It is awful.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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