A little background since I'm new to this section. The last 6 months have been a complete rollercoaster ride. My H began acting very distant and stopped confiding much in me. He would go out drinking until all hours of the night and occasionally not come home at all. H was depressed and often made comments about what a bad person he was and how he didn't like himself. It was like I was living with a different person.
I originally suspected an EA/PA with a coworker. A few weeks ago he confessed that it was actually a PA with someone I don't know. It started out as a friend who offered support and appreciation he didn't feel he was getting at home. I've owned that part, because it's true, and am working on listening to and validating his feelings. We've both agreed that my ownership of those problems in our M in no way excuses the affair he chose to have.
I essentially told him he had to cut off all contact with OW or move out. I was not going to live with him if he was still involved with someone else. I gave him some time to decide and he has committed to working on our marriage. He has blocked the OW's number and agreed to transparency. I am on the fence whether I'd rather the number be deleted completely or if blocking it is enough. I haven't said that to him yet. He has also answered the few questions I've asked.
My problem is that at random times I want more answers. I was thinking of compiling them in an e-mail and sending them to him. I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Vets, how did you handle asking for information, or did you decide it was better not to know?
I can tell that he is really putting effort back into our M. He's calling a lot and giving me details on where he is and who he is with. I'm not prompting him to do this. He has apologized multiple times and said he knows it was wrong and will not do this to us again. He keeps telling me he loves me. He also has told me he'll answer any questions.
I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my feelings on the A without letting them cloud every interaction we have. We've had a lot of good years in our M and I want to be able to move forward from this dark period. I know some of that is just patience and time. I bought the book "Not Just Friends" to help me gain some clarity.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
I think you've done all the right things so far, and I was pleased to see what a firm (but still loving/forgiving) stand you took with him. In my experience, that usually works best, and did for me as well.
Would your husband agree to MC? I think a good marriage counselor, specifically trained in dealing with infidelity, would be very beneficial for you two at this critical stage. Your husband is showing all the right signs (remorse, transparency, etc.), but these are still rough waters to traverse.
His breaking up with OW (assuming he is telling you the truth) is still very recent, and he's going to go thru actual WITHDRAWAL from her, as disgusting as that may sound to you. "Hard withdrawal" usually takes 2-3 weeks or so, and total withdrawal can take up to 6 months or longer. It's a brain chemical/endorphine thing (PEAs they are called). It's why he's still extremely vulnerable to any re-attraction to OW right now.
Do you have any form of intel that he does NOT know about, that you can use to "trust -- but verify" ??
Starsky, thank you for responding. H and I are both in IC. Before the A was exposed we had a few sessions of MC, but at that time they did not help much. I think that was partly because H didn't really like the C we used and was not sure about saving our M. I probably need to broach this with him again and try and find a different C.
I did expect that he would have a period of withdrawal. It seemed to me like he may have started that prior to officially telling me he'd ended the relationship. I'm not sure of that is true though.
I do not have any other form of Intel except snooping or following which I'm not sure I like. Do you have any suggestions for other ways to verify? We are relocating soon which will take away his ability to see OW easily. That doesn't ensure that they will not talk though. Trusting is also complicated by the fact that H frequently travels. He's been sending me his schedule and calling to check in multiple times a day when gone. That does help ease my mind. FWIW, he didn't hide well that his life was in crisis which makes me feel better about his ability to continue hiding things. That may just be naive on my part...
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
His (and often a secret, 2nd) cellphone is usually all you need to monitor; people caught up in affairs use their cellphones like a crackhead uses crack. There are other ways, and yes many are unpleasant but personally I did what I had to do to protect my family when my wife was having her affair. Being able to confirm her promise of continued no-contact was imperative to me, and she did slip up -- twice. But we got thru it, and today are happily married 7 years later.
I do think the MCing will help you. Among other things, the MC can be the "bad cop" and let your formerly-wayward husband know how important no-contact and transparency are to you, and to your likely success at putting Humpty Dumpty back together again here.
