This morning, I made another mistake. I sent her an e-mail regarding my feelings about overhearing her conversation with the OM. I indicated that hearing her conversation with the OM made me truly sympathize with how she must have felt when she saw my e-mail and read the words I said to the independent escort I was seeing. In that e-mail, I was calling the escort girl sweet names and telling her how beautiful she was, and how we had a wonderful time together, etc. That must have ripped her heart.
Then I went on the offensive. I asked her if she's really prepared to walk away from this marriage and put our children's happiness and well being into jeopardy. I called her out about not giving a crap about the OM's wife and kids, then I went on about how if our children had a voice, I'm pretty sure they'd want to live with mom and dad as a family.
She replied back saying that she too lived with similar mental torture during those years I cheated. She cited examples, like me going out with an escort while she was at home pregnant 8 months with our 2nd child. Then she continued citing examples of my disrespect and lack of appreciation for her efforts in this marriage.
All her points are valid.
Finally, she asked if this was happening to my own daughter, what would I tell her.
I spoke from that perspective and replied with a very long e-mail basically trying to make my case about how she needs to really reconsider her decision to continue the A, and pursue a D.
Then I sincerely apologized for hurting her so many times and how I wish I could turn back the clock and make everything right again. I then pleaded my case about how I can be a great husband for her and how much I still deeply love her. I was asking her for one last try.
She didn't respond to that e-mail. But later on, she called me and asked if I wanted to have lunch with her. We met up for lunch and talked about everything except the situation. We made small talk, and talked about our kids, our jobs, etc. It was a very short lunch because she had to leave and pick up our son.
Why did she make the effort to drive out of her way (completely in the opposite direction) to meet me for a quick 20 minute lunch, and not say a word about the e-mail exchange from the morning? It didn't make much sense to me.
Was she simply trying to see if I went over the deep end? She is afraid that I or the OMW will go to her company and expose this A. She's made that clear several times. Maybe she came to see me to make me hang on to a little bit of hope at reconciliation and to keep me cooperating so she can continue the A and plan her future with the OM. Maybe she was touched by my e-mail just enough to perhaps make her second guess her choices. Like I may have mentioned before, she is the type of person who has the ability to detach herself emotionally from any situation and make decisions based on reason and facts. I really have no idea what her motive was.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Trying to get off moderation. I've posted two updates many days ago and they still don't show.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Wife and I went on a "date" on Saturday to celebrate the day we first spoke on the phone. We walked and held hands for the first time in forever. We sat in a pub and talked for a couple of hours. I made the mistake of being way too optimistic about her signals and I started to go in pursuit mode without even realizing what was going on.
What ensued next was a heated argument talking about how she can't think clearly right now, and talking about child custody scenarios. It was not good, and I totally messed up.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Update 7/21 (part 2) After we picked the kids up and went home, we cooled off a lot. Friendly conversations took place that evening. I apologized for being an "A-hole". We had a heart to heart and I said I reacted irrationally because I really really miss her.
She asked what is it about her that I miss.
I said, "I miss touching you. I miss kissing you. I miss having you as my wife and my soulmate."
Her face showed me she was genuinely touched.
She replied, "How did it feel holding my hand today"?
I shed a tear and replied, "It felt good. So good"
She reiterated the fact that even though she knows what I'm going through that she will always be there for emotional support and help me through these times. It's such a conflict of interest, and I've have a hard time wrapping my head around it.
Later that night, after the kids went to bed, she left to be with him. She said she wanted a head start the next day because they were going on a semi-long drive. I hugged her and said "enjoy your day tomorrow".
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
One thing that she's reiterated to me numerous times:
I keep going back and forth between indicating to her that I'm ready to let go, and indicating to her that I want her back.
She's said that she's extremely frustrated by my back & forth and it is emotionally stressing her out. I can understand how it can be unfair to her for me to be giving mixed signals. I think it's just my emotions coming out. On the surface, I want to show her that I'm letting go. Deep down, I want her back. Those two forces are battling each other inside of me every day.
I need to learn how to detach and truly show her that I'm ready to move on. It is clear that pursuit is not the way to her heart. I need to give her space and time. I totally get that. It's just really REALLY hard. I hope to find strength to continually improve on this. So far, I haven't even made it a full week without changing my stance. Unfair to her. Unfair to me.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
What I did wrong in the relationship (in order of importance to her, as she has told me):
1. Five years of infidelity. 2. No support, respect, appreciation. Rarely stood up for her. Didn't feel like I had her back. 3. Lack of communication. Inability or unwillingness to share all my deepest feelings with her. 4. Not putting in my fair share into the relationship. She always the giver, I was the taker. The combination of our personalities created the perfect storm for this give/take relationship. She's very much in control of everything. Was forced to take care of her parents at a young age. I was spoiled and most things spoon fed to me when I was younger. Always relied on someone else (parents, wife).
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
1. Being thoughtful through my actions. E.G - Putting a little sticky note on her steering wheel, wishing her to have a great day. Writing her a poem (only one so far, which I haven't shown yet -- I only told her about it). Making her dinner. Bringing her favorite snack to work. These are all borderline (or outright) pursuing, aren't they?
2. Making sacrifices so that my WAW (who works longer hours than I do) has more time to relax, etc. Accommodating around her schedules, helping out with household chores, etc. This one seems like I'm pursuing also.
3. Being open and communicative. Talking about my feelings, and not hiding anything. This one I have to be careful with as I don't want to reveal too much.
Last edited by mindsin; 07/22/1402:24 PM.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Also, should I still be living with her, or should I move out? I don't want it to look like I'm leaving her behind with the kids. But this is the way to allow her maximum space.
M: 15 years BD: 6/25/14 EA/PA: starts 5/14/14 11/30/14 - A ends 5/15/15 - D is finalized. 11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
