Trying Again

[topgunmb]

Thanks, Ben! I'll look into that asap. I often feel that, now looking back, that we weren't speaking the same love language. I did what a lot of people, men in particular, do and that is love my W like I wanted to be loved. Instead, I should have been more aware of how she needed and wanted to feel love from me. Live and learn, I suppose.

Gotan - I wish I could say that it was easy, but it's not been. As Carnegie said, "Anything in life worth having is worth working for." Unfortunately, it seems we're on a bit of a backslide. Since the kids have been gone, I've seen my W one time in the last 3 weeks and that was to pick her up from the airport after she dropped the kids off for their summer visit to the in-laws. I've gone dark save one slip-up. She's contacted most days by text of FB message to ask questions about the kids or computer stuff she doesn't understand. I can only hope that she is missing not seeing me on the weekends like before. In the meantime, I'm doing my best to get in shape so that when it comes time for her to fly out to get the kids and I take her to the airport, I'm looking pretty darn good and that image sticks with her the whole flight.

[topgunmb]

So, a random moment tonight that gave me reason to pause and think. Around the end of last year/beginning of this year, I made the conscious decision to be more positive in the way I spoke about my W with others. I had so focused on everything that she had done and was doing to me and our family by her choices. By making the choice to speak positively, I noticed a difference in our interactions. Perhaps it was just that she saw me relax or perhaps it was that the energy I was giving off when she was around was more positive, but suddenly she was nicer to me than she had been in a very long time.

Unfortunately, I think in the past few months I have gotten away from that. Mostly because I started to expect things from her as things seemed they were on a more positive path (i.e. wanting her to spend time with me after the kids went to bed/not going out with friends when she was here on the weekends). My family doesn't help either as they take many opportunities to pry (despite my best efforts to let them know that I don't wish to discuss the situation at the moment). Things haven't been as happy as they had been.

I was listening to a song tonight that I've listened to many times before. Toward the end of the song, the lyrics say, "Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought..." I don't know quite how to explain it other than it was an instant reaction to those words. Suddenly, the tears were flowing fast and hard. It caught me by surprise. It was a reminder to me that I need to be more aware of the things I am saying and thinking about her, especially now.

Anyway, just my random thought/experience for the night.

[HeadUp]

topgun I have no clue how you are doing what you are doing. I can be wrong but how I am reading this whole situation is that she has the benefits of being married with you helping her out and being able to see the kids on the weekend and you picking her up at the airport and still gets to be single. Every time she has texted you or FB message you, you have responded. Isn't your kids at her mother's house? Why can't she talk to her mom about the kid's? It really does sound like she is having her cake and eat it too.

You are a strong man I am not doubting that at all. And I can honestly say that from what I have seen you post that you love your wife with all your heart and soul. But if she doesn't see that you are moving forward and bettering yourself with or with out her, then I don't see how things are going to change.

DB says to have NC and do 180's and they are tough as hell. I will contest to this one. I want to call my W and touch her and let her know that she isn't a bad person and blah blah blah. But then I am doing the same thing that I have always done which doesn't work. Now I am not saying being mean to her. Yes show her kindness when you talk about the kids. Other than that don't talk to her or about her. I had to humble myself and started talking kindly about my W. I need to be the guy that makes her look like a fool if she leaves.

My W doesn't want to spend time with the kids. It is summer and she has had them for literally 2 weekends the whole 2 months. I don't say anything about this because she has to live with what she is doing and not spending time with them. When she goes and tells someone that she has kids and they ask where they are at or when the last time she saw them, she has to deal with that feeling.

GAL brotha GAL. You will find yourself and be a lot more happier with it. You might even find out something new about you that you didn't think about before. If hundreds of people on this forum can do it (And I am working on being one of them) than you can to.

GAL, NC, 180, and love yourself. You got this keep your head up and keep swinging for the fences. Eventually your going to get that hit.

[topgunmb]

Definitely things that I need to work on and improve at, for sure.

As for the texts and FB messages about the kids, those are usually messages that are concerning care of the kids or comments on things the kids are doing while they are visiting her family. She doesn't hesitate to contact her mom. She and her mom are really good friends, which is good and bad in some cases. MIL is a very bitter and emotional person where relationships are concerned. FIL had an A when W was in high school and ended up leaving the family for OW. But, I also know that MIL cares for me and is torn about the situation.

In any case, I'm sorry to hear that your W doesn't want to spend time with your kids. My W does things with our kids and it's not always as I or they would have it. But, at this point, I will take any contact she has with them as a positive opportunity.

I have come to accept that sometimes, this situation is more the drop of water against the stone. It is often VERY slow and sometimes takes awhile to fall. There are many times where I wish it could be a full on waterfall, but it's better than no drop at all.

[topgunmb]

Well, we're just about at the end of the summer vacation for the kids. W has left to go pick them up from MIL's and they will be back on Tuesday. I am so excited to see the kids again!! It's been a rough month since they haven't been here after being with them everyday for the last year.

I've been an emotional mess lately. Lots of stress going on with wondering when our current hiatus will end. Studio still hasn't made a decision on another season of the show we've done 2 seasons for. We were back at work at this point last season. I have been keeping my ears open for other opportunities. Things in this business are odd because there can be no word at all and then all of a sudden, production begins the next day and they want everything yesterday. It's important to me to be a good provider to my family. I know that it is for her as well. She grew up with a father who never really had a steady job and they weren't able to do a lot because of it. I left a very steady job with free health care benefits to follow a dream of working in the television industry. Wish now that I had done my homework a little better and been more satisfied with my previous job. Wish I had taken steps to move up within that organization. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I realize now that I didn't possess the maturity back then to understand that. Stressing about this situation has made it difficult for me to sleep at night and I know that that has caused me to be a little less positive about things.

I've been doing a pretty good job with NC with W. I've had to text her a few times for things related to the kids, but other than that, she's been the one to initiate contact. Never about anything other than the kids, though. Her birthday was this past Thursday and I wished her a happy birthday through text. I can't help but miss her. I get frustrated because we're a year into being separated. I appreciate that her interactions with me since around March have been more positive than they have been since she moved out. It just feels like we've taken a massive backslide in the past couple of months. I've been trying to evaluate what I may have changed from what was working before. I think I started to get a little attached again. I'm sure that I'm starting to read too much into things, doing mind reading, and all the worse case scenarios are starting to play out again. It's frustrating that I feel myself backsliding and I've been fighting myself this week to maintain my PMA. I wish I knew that at least a small part of her missed me. It feels like I'm being bombarded on all sides by doubt and frustration, from my nosy sister, who helped give a mighty push to help W toward her leaving, to well-intentioned friends. In high school, I ran track and was a sprinter. I play the piano and my favorite songs are ones where I get to play fast and even when it's a song that is a little slower, I would take a moment to play it as fast as I could. It's been a difficult process to reprogram myself to slow down, especially in this situation. I know that this is a marathon...a very long one, it appears...and trying to put a little giddy-up in my step doesn't help me.

On a positive note, I've lost more weight since the last time she saw me and have been working out more regularly. I've had some time to work on a personal project that I have been meaning to do for 5 years now. I've had the chance to spend some time with friends that I don't normally get to and went to see a movie yesterday.

Anyway, just venting this morning.

[topgunmb]

25yearsmlc, is there somewhere here on the forum where one could find your experience? I've always been impressed with your insights when reading them. I was curious in your signature, you mention your H went ALASKAN. Is that in reference to where you were living at the time or him going ice cold?

[topgunmb]

Feeling very discouraged right now. Kids are back, which I am super excited about. It's feels like it has been so long since I last saw them and I'm glad to have my little buddies back. Unfortunately, seeing my WAW again could have gone better. I made sure I looked as good as I could, threw on some cologne, a smile, and left with what I thought was enough time to get to the airport. Unfortunately, LA traffic had other plans for me and it took almost 2 hours to drive the 30 miles down there. I'm going to hope that most of the response I got was due to a lack of sleep, but it felt like everything was met with some sort of judgment on her part. I did my best to keep a PMA. I guess I had more expectations than I was ready to admit.

She fired a passing shot on her way out the door about how S8 was frequently late to school last year. I smiled and said that I knew and that it would be different this year. Her response was that knowing something and doing something about it were two different things. I again smiled and thanked her for caring about S8 getting to school all the while feeling like the first full visit in over a month was a complete bomb. Can we get something to douse these flames?

I guess the bright side to this is I now have a clear 180 that can be done - get kids to school on time this year.

[topgunmb]

Need some help/advice/maybe a 2x4 to the head.

It feels lately that we have gone back to almost where things were this time last year. After it felt like we were moving toward a friendlier place (I tried to keep any expectations that I had to a minimum and enjoyed it for what it was worth), she is now only talking to me the bare minimum.

This weekend, she came up to take the kids to a birthday party for one of their friends and then they went to the beach afterward. Before, she would have let me know what she was planning to do with the kids, but this time I had to ask so I could plan my day. I had gone to help some friends and at 9:30, I still hadn't heard anything about when they would be back. I sent her a quick text asking if she knew when they might be back and got no response. When I came home an hour later, they were all in bed asleep.

When I woke up this morning, she was gone. S8 said that she had to go to work. I got a text from her saying that there was food in a bag in the fridge. I thanked her and asked if she would be back today. Again, no response.

I don't know if I should say something to her about the lack of communication. Not so much for myself, because I know that I can't expect things there, but about communication in regards to the kids and schedules on the weekend.

I also know that being on hiatus between seasons on the show I'm working on is REALLY not being kind to my mind. I have been looking for work to fill the gap, but it hasn't been forthcoming. I take joy in being a provider for my kids and it's really shaking that.

Ugh.

[topgunmb]

Anyone else have that one friend who seems to think you should be out dating? I have one who has been telling me for awhile now that she thinks I should start dating and has been suggesting some of her friends. This morning, she suggested a dating site that's free. Both she and her H are really good friends, but they have such a different view on relationships so I try not to get too frustrated with them. I just don't know how many times you have to firmly state with people that you're trying to save your marriage. Dating to me is just the opposite of that goal.

[MrBond]

"I just don't know how many times you have to firmly state with people that you're trying to save your marriage"

You don't have to justify to them what you're doing. You just do it. Just nod politely and tell them that while you appreciate their concern for you, you are concentrating on saving your M and would like them to respect that.