Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 93
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 93
Joe,

For legal reasons, do NOT leave the house for an extended period of time. You need to follow Sandi's list right now, they are not rock solid rules so they should be treated like guidelines. Rules I can think of right now that would allow is:

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. **Literally, fake it till you make it**

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

You are in a very difficult place, so if you feel other posters are being "cold" I promise you they are not. You need to keep your head up friend, the only one who cares about your happiness is you right now. Go outside, get some sun (it is a natural anti-depressant) and go for a walk when you would rather just sit and sulk inside.

What has personally helped me a ton was going to the Advice from Wise DB'ers forum and check out the nuggets of wisdom:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=125925#Post125925

Surround yourself with positive reinforcement, overtime you will absorb the qualities of those around you so make sure that is good energy.

In my sitch I did end up moving out, I do not have children so I had fewer legal constraints. I felt moving out did help at the time but it is much more difficult to show your "consistent small changes" when you are not in close proximity to your W.

Keep posting brother, we'll keep you on the right track. Don't drown yourself in the mistakes you do make, just continue along without skipping a beat.



"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
J
Joe1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
Thanks Riley, I understand the legal reasons I can't move out long-term. That is why I'm going to see if she'll agree to trade off time in the house. I have read Sandi's list...and I am trying to do those things. It's hard because I can't get away from her. She's on the attack ALL the time. I'm trying. I've got a couple of friends that are trying to talk me off the metaphorical ledge.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
J
Joe1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
Case in point: she's in my room yelling at me at 6:45 before she leaves for work.
I just said, OK and Sorry. She wanted me to fight. I'm so tired of fighting.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
You have 2 very young kids, the situation you're in right now is damaging to them. What can you do for them?

Has your W filed and if not, why not?

Have you talked to a L? If not, you should. Don't take anything you read here as sound legal advice in your state.

Was you home acquired during the marriage? Are you in a community property state?

Get facts and do what's best for your kids.

Last edited by labug; 07/22/14 03:26 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
J
Joe1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
For the kids, I'm trying to get things calmed down. I'm with them all day (summer break for me). And I've offered to my W that we trade off days staying w/ friends to calm things down.
She has not filed, and I don't know why.
I've spoken to two L's and have an appointment w/ a third next week.
This is a community property state and the house was acquired just before we were married, but we had lived together for a few years, so it counts as both of ours. She says she doesn't want it.
I'm trying to remain as calm as possible, but she fights mean and knows how to push buttons like a pro. I try to walk away and she keeps after me. I hope she goes for my idea.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
J
Joe1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
And she shot that idea down. I'm sure what'll happen at this point is, she'll move out...take the kids and not share, forcing me to file. She's so angry and out for blood.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Don't pay too much attention to what she says she wants or doesn't want now.

How about you talk to W when she's not yelling at you about what the kids are seeing and hearing? Don't blame it on her, you play your role by your own admission. Use "We" when talking to her. When we yell and scream, When we argue and the kids can hear.

If she continues the behavior say "If you continue talking to me in that tone, I'm going outside", or to the garage, or wherever. And then calmly walk to the garage.

The tricky thing is, you have to do that every time. Resist the temptation to get drawn in. You've been just as reactive as she is.

Your kids deserve parents who can be adults. If your W won't hold up her end of the parenting deal, that's on her.

It doesn't mean you can't be an adult.

DBing isn't meant to take the place of good parenting decisions and right now your priority should be the kids.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
J
Joe1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
Sound advice. What do I do when I walk away and she follows? I have already had to sit against the door in my room to keep her out.

Last edited by Joe1981; 07/22/14 04:46 PM.

Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
You restate your boundary and go further away.

Be prepared for her to be even angrier.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
J
Joe1981 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
Thanks. You're right. Calm cool an collected at all times.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Page 3 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard