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Originally Posted By: CSan00
Sorry to hijack but 25 MLC cab you please stop by my thread? Thanks


I'll try and catch up.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Ok, so I did something new. I initiated a text. Useless one and all. We both like Zak Brown, and one song in particular (about fried chicken...not a love song...haha). So I sent her a fb link to the song because it was on the radio. No words, just a link.
She replied 'good one'.

Again, a useless text and benign answer.


What "use" should it have had? It MUST have a "purpose"? That's too much about an agenda and not enough about enjoying the company of someone or the memory or reaching out just for the sake of it...like people who love us do.


Only significance is that was a completely unsolicited text on my part. First in nearly 8 weeks that was not kid related.


That was the "only" significance? And the "benign answer"....b/c you were expecting, what??

Don't expect! She responded POSITIVELY, Not "benignly".

I cannot imagine what you were hoping for, but her saying "good one" is positive Pilot...

Come on Pilot! In essence, she thanked you for a small thoughtful gesture. With a small thoughtful response. The End.

You can try to build on these^^, or you can complain about them...your choice.

A lot of this is how you choose to perceive it. A WHOLE LOT of this is how you choose to perceive it.

Did you look at those TED Talk videos? The Amy Cuddy one and the Shawn Achor talk on positive psychology (and Amy's was on "fake it til you Become it".)

Both speakers have empirical data that shows how our perceptions CHANGE REALITY, so it's not 'all in our heads" touchy feely vague stuff.

That how we act and behave and what we project, matters in tangible ways.


Please watch those. They are each about 20 minutles long, entertaining and educational to the point where they could each be life changing, (literally).

I think some cognitive changes in you would do wonders.

Food for thought, okay?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Originally Posted By: pilot
Ok, so I did something new. I initiated a text. Useless one and all. We both like Zak Brown, and one song in particular (about fried chicken...not a love song...haha). So I sent her a fb link to the song because it was on the radio. No words, just a link.
She replied 'good one'.

Again, a useless text and benign answer.


What "use" should it have had? It MUST have a "purpose"? That's too much about an agenda and not enough about enjoying the company of someone or the memory or reaching out just for the sake of it...like people who love us do.


Only significance is that was a completely unsolicited text on my part. First in nearly 8 weeks that was not kid related.


That was the "only" significance? And the "benign answer"....b/c you were expecting, what??

Don't expect! She responded POSITIVELY, Not "benignly".

I cannot imagine what you were hoping for, but her saying "good one" is positive Pilot...

Come on Pilot! In essence, she thanked you for a small thoughtful gesture. With a small thoughtful response. The End.

You can try to build on these^^, or you can complain about them...your choice.

A lot of this is how you choose to perceive it. A WHOLE LOT of this is how you choose to perceive it.

Did you look at those TED Talk videos? The Amy Cuddy one and the Shawn Achor talk on positive psychology (and Amy's was on "fake it til you Become it".)

Both speakers have empirical data that shows how our perceptions CHANGE REALITY, so it's not 'all in our heads" touchy feely vague stuff.

That how we act and behave and what we project, matters in tangible ways.


Please watch those. They are each about 20 minutles long, entertaining and educational to the point where they could each be life changing, (literally).

I think some cognitive changes in you would do wonders.

Food for thought, okay?


I think you misread/misinterpreted me. I have, and always have had zero expectations on our texting. I have used the term benign to describe previous communication without specifics. This time, since I offered a specific I offered the adjective benign so people would relate to what I thought was benign.

My last sentence, "again a useless text and benign answer' was simply a recap or follow up if you will to the prior sentences. It could have been left out. It was not a criticism of the communication in any way.

I recognize her response as positive, as I have recognized all of our recent communication as positive. The ONLY reason I even posted was because it was the first time I was the one to initiate a useless (ok, maybe better put, a non kid, non important) issue. Something that did not have to be sent. And she replied in a positive way, but benign at the same time. It was not "OMG I love this song, lets get back together" and it was not "WTF are you doing texting me, quit it!". It was....benign. smile I only gave it a description because often other posters will get into detail on their communications, and I was just trying to be as descriptive as possible.

Im not ALL bad smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Quote:
A boundary might be me saying "I only listen to someone calmly talking to me" so when someone yells at me, I leave the area.

Putting a demand on them is me telling them they cannot yell at me; they MUST speak calmly to me. See the difference? It's a small one in my hypothetical, but they an get bigger in importance, and it's not all semantics.


I see your point. My boundary is I will only be married to a person who is honest about past infidelities. I will not demand it of her. If she wishes to on her own free will openly discuss her infidelity then she is more than welcome to. If she does not wish to, I certainly will not demand it from her, or in any way force her into it. I can only control what I do. I can chose to continue to work on my M, or I can chose that there is not a strong enough foundation to rebuild trust, and move on.

I do not see how what I have said in prior postings is anything different that above. If you see it as wrong, then it is possible I am wrong. Specifically what I would look for are details I know, which I have not told her I know. Times, dates, places. If she mentions them, then I have a reasonable assurance she is being forthcoming with other things. If she neglects them then I can be reasonably certain I am not getting the whole story.

It is not that I am hung up on whether or not there was a PA or not. I constantly refer to it as I do because I am not certain there was a PA. I could very easily just have stated from the beginning it was a PA based on assumptions. But I did not. I always clearly stated EA, with the possibility of PA. I do that because I do not know if how you handle an EA and a PA are different. Maybe the vets know. So why not give every bit of information possible to those who want to help? If my wife is going over to another man's house at 10 at night, and staying till midnight several times a week, and meeting him in vacant parking lots at odd times of the day and night, it becomes at least reasonable to suspect a PA. I am assuming PA, and have my mind set it was a PA. If I find out it was, so what? I already assumed it. If it turns out just an EA, well great news for me, things just got a whole lot better.


And I do not mind the 2x4s. I know you are here trying to help and offering your time to do so. I know you would not waste your time otherwise. So I appreciate all comments, positive and negative.

Thanks again.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Quote:
A boundary might be me saying "I only listen to someone calmly talking to me" so when someone yells at me, I leave the area.

Putting a demand on them is me telling them they cannot yell at me; they MUST speak calmly to me. See the difference? It's a small one in my hypothetical, but they an get bigger in importance, and it's not all semantics.


I see your point. My boundary is I will only be married to a person who is honest about past infidelities.

If the real fear you have is that she'd repeat the behavior (which I understand), what difference does it make if she NOW tells you all the details, and how or why would you believe her? Why not keep doubting?

If there is no video tape of her, you can always cling to the fear that "she might be lying"...right? so how can she ever trust that you will ever let this go? I mean, what you are saying is that you CANNOT let it go. She has to tell you...something....and then you have to somehow "feel" that she's been honest AND then you have to decide IF you'll forgive her.

Sounds like a lot of long shots and work without any guarantee, (just risk), for HER.




I will not demand it of her. If she wishes to on her own free will openly discuss her infidelity then she is more than welcome to. If she does not wish to, I certainly will not demand it from her, or in any way force her into it. I can only control what I do. I can chose to continue to work on my M, or I can chose that there is not a strong enough foundation to rebuild trust, and move on.

I do not see how what I have said in prior postings is anything different that above. If you see it as wrong, then it is possible I am wrong. Specifically what I would look for are details I know, which I have not told her I know. Times, dates, places. If she mentions them, then I have a reasonable assurance she is being forthcoming with other things. If she neglects them then I can be reasonably certain I am not getting the whole story.

90% of spouses who have had A's, but who want to repair the m, and Not repeat an Affair, will not and do not believe that telling their spouses details, will help.
I think the details will affect YOU b/c of how you obsess this much without any. So I would imagine not wanting to tell you.

The mantra, "deny deny deny" isn't just for politicians. Sinply put, most people and especially most men, cannot handle the details. I think it'll end your m for good - but there are other reasons I think that might happen anyhow.

It goes to your parent's experience, your grudge about your mom, and how you are mixing that up with your situation. I am still curious to hear more about what YOU are working on in YOU, not what you want or expect or hope of, from HER. The focus is still misplaced.


Since you only control you, why bother continuing to focus on HER?


It is not that I am hung up on whether or not there was a PA or not.

Hmmm, really? I feel differently. I could be wrong, but I strongly believe you are hung up on exactly that.


I constantly refer to it as I do because I am not certain there was a PA. I could very easily just have stated from the beginning it was a PA based on assumptions.

I think that would be unfair and silly to do. Most people here wouldn't.



But I did not. I always clearly stated EA, with the possibility of PA. I do that because I do not know if how you handle an EA and a PA are different. Maybe the vets know. So why not give every bit of information possible to those who want to help?

I think people treat them differently but I do NOT know if they should. Seems to me if I were having an EA - but then realized it, and stopped myself from a full blown PA, that would matter.

Or if I had a PA and then ended it after a few "events", that's not the same as maintaining a long term deceit based A...to me at least, there are differences.

My concern with you is that you are scorekeeper and a grudge holder and NOT a forgiver. So you may be wasting a lot of her time, and yours, going back and forth and wanting to punish her, maybe not even conscientiously, so there's that.



If my wife is going over to another man's house at 10 at night, and staying till midnight several times a week, and meeting him in vacant parking lots at odd times of the day and night, it becomes at least reasonable to suspect a PA. I am assuming PA, and have my mind set it was a PA. If I find out it was, so what?

The difference that comes to MY mind right away is whether this is happening NOW or only in the past. That's a BIG issue to me.

I believe in the vows "from this day forward" so if there were a PAST A, I'd say "let it go and move on from this day forward" b/c I think that is why those words are in our vows.

But if it were still an A going on (unless you are now dating others, and then it's a reality of separated couples who are semi single)


I already assumed it. If it turns out just an EA, well great news for me, things just got a whole lot better.

Then it does matter to you if it were physical. Can you explain why that is?


And I do not mind the 2x4s. I know you are here trying to help and offering your time to do so. I know you would not waste your time otherwise. So I appreciate all comments, positive and negative.

Thanks again.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
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Originally Posted By: pilot
Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful reply sandi. Sorry to hear you lost your long reply, but thank you for taking the time to rewrite one.

I think I got the initial part of what not to do once we separated. It is the part where she begins to move in my direction a little is where I get confused/frozen. For the sake of not doing something wrong, I usually do nothing at all. I am very grateful you came in to offer your opinion/viewpoint on what is going on. It is reassuring that you seem to agree that my evening went well. If I could do one thing over, it would probably be how I introduced a negative to chill things off. I think I could have found a better way to cool things without putting a negative into an otherwise good evening. Live and learn...

I will take your advice and get a hotel room. Even if she offered to let me stay with her, then the whole 'is it the bed or is it the couch' question pops up, and quite frankly, the couch would seem kinda awkward at her parents. So best to avoid that altogether. SInce I will be flying into her town in my plane, and being a small town with no car rental companies, I will be at her mercy of having to be driven everywhere.

Makes sense to get a room, just do it in a cheerful way. No martyrdom. This is a choice you are making, to reduce stress, not increase it.


We have not really spoken/text much since the day she left. I have not initiated anything other than asking to facetime with the kids. I do agree given the past times we have been together, she will probably be just as friendly as before. I will listen to advice from you, labug, 25, and others and take a little more risk by offering compliments, etc.

This ^^statement makes me sad. What would you be "RISKING" By complimenting your wife? (The risk to not complimenting her is a lot higher)

You have a wife whose love language is WOA. You have a problem expressing positive feelings verbally (though you sure want HER to verbalize things that make her very uncomfortable or even embarrassed/ashamed. Irony much?)

So, to you it "risks" something, to compliment your wife.

Man That is a bad combination Pilot. It means (to me) that you think compliments "Costs" you power in the r, (can't think of what else you might believe you risk but NO I don't think you are risking power, I think YOU think that)...

so I wonder if you think she'll assume that the compliments mean SHE is a great catch and you are THUS at her mercy, or something odd like that??

In reality, getting compliments is just how she feels loved.
And denying her this does NOT "protect" you; not at all; it is the opposite. Denying her compliments, which costs you nothing, is denying her something SHE NEEDS.

Keeping them to yourself, makes her love tank empty. That's not good.

What is it you think you "risk" by complimenting her? I cannot help but think this goes to your reluctance to tell her ILY, and to not complimenting her and so, are you this way to your kids?

You said your family was not very verbal about their feelings; and hers was. SHE needs it.

If you don't want to change these traits in you, maybe letting her go would be best for her, and all concerned.
Pilot, I'm serious. Her needs are reasonable and small, but to you they are huge and painful to give.

That's not a good mix and I don't sense awareness on your end that you need to change these traits AND the way you hold onto things and measure I cannot believe she trusts that you'll ever let go of her transgressions, let alone work on your own.

I sure would like to hear more about THAT work, and maybe your w would too.



I really hate the timing of the school issue being right now as it is a dark cloud hanging over us at the moment. Of course I will not bring up any R or M talk. But I believe it was 25 who pointed out that perhaps she is just as afraid of taking that first step towards even seeing of a R is possible.

OF course she's afraid. Remember how you two got here? I mean, DO YOU RECALL YOUR role in it, anymore?


So without me taking that step, I probably need to at least do what I can to show the door is open. How? I do not have a clue just yet. Other than keep up the PMA, the 180s, and just being f'ing awesome around her smile

Any thoughts, input, advice, or criticism in the meantime is always welcome!!!

Thanks again to all who chime in!


See above, work on your stuff (tell us what they are please,again).

Did you say you could be selfish and critical, (and it's fair to say you are "withholding" as well, right?)

So, How about working on those traits??


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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Quote:
I already assumed it. If it turns out just an EA, well great news for me, things just got a whole lot better. Kind of like discovering site work for a foundation already in place exactly where you want to build your house.

Then it does matter to you if it were physical. Can you explain why that is?
Because she was being honest about it from the beginning.

Quote:
This ^^statement makes me sad. What would you be "RISKING" By complimenting your wife? (The risk to not complimenting her is a lot higher)


I mean going from non pursuing behavior to pursuing behavior.

Quote:
You have a wife whose love language is WOA. You have a problem expressing positive feelings verbally (though you sure want HER to verbalize things that make her very uncomfortable or even embarrassed/ashamed. Irony much?)


I did/probably still do have a problem expressing positive feelings verbally. And it is quite possible my wife's love language is WOA. While I would love nothing more than to work on that, would it be prudent to express WOA if she was knee deep in the middle of an affair? Probably not. Is she knee deep in the middle of an affair? I dont know. Which is why I have hesitated in our prior contact. Which is also why I am here on the forum feverishly trying to gain nuggets of wisdom, especially in the area of how do I best move forward. I am keenly aware that even if not her primary LL, WOA would greatly help my chances at a R with her, or with anyone for that matter. Believe me I get what you are saying. Just understand that by risk, I only mean the risk of pursuing too quickly.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Apr 2006
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Quote:
This ^^statement makes me sad. What would you be "RISKING" By complimenting your wife? (The risk to not complimenting her is a lot higher)


I mean going from non pursuing behavior to pursuing behavior.


Why do you see making a positive observation as pursuit? If she negotiated a good deal on, say, a car, and you told her she'd gone a good job with it, you think that means you are asking her to reconcile?

it doesn't. It just means you are noting a positive. This is NOT a small problem. IT's a huge disconnect in how you view interactions with her and I don't see how it is going to feel loving to her, to be around that. You are now forgetting or glossing over your role in the marriage problems b/c your focus is almost exclusively on whether she has a PA and or an EA and what you would need FROM HER for you to want to work on the M.

I guess i don't see this approach as very enticing to her. And I absolutely do not see complimenting your wife as pursuing behavior. If it's about how "Sexy" she is, THAT is flirting and that is pursuit, and might be fine anyhow, but it's a lot different than merely complimenting her.


Quote:
You have a wife whose love language is WOA. You have a problem expressing positive feelings verbally (though you sure want HER to verbalize things that make her very uncomfortable or even embarrassed/ashamed. Irony much?)


I did/probably still do have a problem expressing positive feelings verbally. And it is quite possible my wife's love language is WOA.


Doesn't have to be her "only" love language, but it's clearly one of them.

Not merely "Possible" that her LL includes that, and yes, you DO have a problem expressing positive feelings. Didn't you already admit that, and that you and your family don't say "ILY" very often? But her family does.

I say these things based on your words here and how she reacted to the positives you had given her.



While I would love nothing more than to work on that, would it be prudent to express WOA if she was knee deep in the middle of an affair? Probably not. Is she knee deep in the middle of an affair? I dont know.

Geez....look at this^^. You don't know what she is doing but you want to punish her, "in case".

Since I don't think it "costs" or "risks" you a thing to be kind, & give a freaking compliment to your w, I do not think we are going to see eye to eye on these issues.


Which is why I have hesitated in our prior contact. Which is also why I am here on the forum feverishly trying to gain nuggets of wisdom, especially in the area of how do I best move forward.

I am keenly aware that even if not her primary LL, WOA would greatly help my chances at a R with her, or with anyone for that matter. Believe me I get what you are saying. Just understand that by risk, I only mean the risk of pursuing too quickly. [/quote]


I don't think an authentic compliment is pursuit, and if balanced by circumspection in you, (which I KNOW it will be b/c you are very withholding,)

I see very little risk TO YOU in this. I can her taking a risk by agreeing to piece, only to find the whole A issue to be your primary interest.

Also, you identified being selfish as something she has said, and you admitted there is some validity to it. So how are you working on that?

What are your 180s and the traits you want to work on to become the man you always wanted to become?

Specifically..


Hey Pilot, I'm going to post something here that in part, applies to your situation. Maybe all of it, maybe only a part. But the part about "winning" hit me as I wonder if your decision to finally look in the mirror to change yourself, might be b/c of the possible OM, rather than the desire to become a better man.

In other words, you did not want to change before the idea of OM came about, so maybe that's a reason your wife trusts your changes a lot less.

Anyhow, here's a letter from a WAW to a h who wants his own wife to return to him and cannot grasp why she'd even consider Om.

Take from it, what you will.

.



FROM A WAW TO A LBS HUSBAND WHO HAS CHANGED AND WONDERS WHY HIS WAW HAS NOT COME HOME YET AND HOW SHE CAN BE AT ALL INTERESTED IN OM….

"When I read your interactions with your wife, I could so easily identify with your wife's feelings/words/sentiments. I have been in her position in my M. I was the ignored, the devalued, the one who was treated as less than. -

One of the things that I have tried my hardest not to do, is not to engage with another man. Not just because of my marriage vows, but because I knew that when I truly engaged in any type of R with another man, it would make it that much harder to ever reconcile with my H.

Because being treated differently (better) than the way he treated me, would lessen him so much in my eyes.

So, I can see where your W is coming from. When you've been mistreated to the point where you actually let go of your R enough to let another person into your heart or bed or whatever, it takes a boatload of work to get back on a page where you're recommitted to being with your S - and those uncertainties that she's expressed to you, I don't know if you truly, truly fathom how deep they run.

Six months of getting back on a page where you treat her the way that any wife should be treated does not even scratch the surface of the years, the intrinsic devaluing that occurs when you're systematically mistreated for such a stretch of time.

And I promise you that while you have recommitted and worked for 6 months, your W has simply been trying to get to a point where she can even buy into the changes, where she can even think that you might have changed and not scoff at the thought.

Because when you build up hope again and again and again in your H and he crushes it again and again and again, you develop a thick skin, a protective doubt, a conditioned response to even the slightest, grainiest seed of hope.

You are taught that when you hope, you will be disappointed. When you try, you will fail. You are taught that you will never be what he wants and it is hard to shake what you have come to believe is reality.

And for the changes that you've made to have come only when she walked away and OM became competition, I can definitely see how she can doubly doubt that you truly want to be in a M with her, and not just to win.

Even you today say that you are not sure that you don't just want to "win".

Step 1 - figure that sh!t out ASAP. Because if you actually do manage to convince her that you really do want her and really have recommitted to her and you actually just want to WIN, you'll put her through hell."
_________________________


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Quote:
I guess i don't see this approach as very enticing to her. And I absolutely do not see complimenting your wife as pursuing behavior. If it's about how "Sexy" she is, THAT is flirting and that is pursuit, and might be fine anyhow, but it's a lot different than merely complimenting her.


^^^^^This right here is the root of our back and forth. This makes complete sense to me, and I now see your viewpoint more clearly. To me, saying you look very nice would be the same as saying you are sexy. But as a woman, you clearly see the difference. So it must be there. Problem solved. She will now look nice smile

Quote:
I don't think an authentic compliment is pursuit, and if balanced by circumspection in you, (which I KNOW it will be b/c you are very withholding,)
This is the kind of nugget of insight I am looking for. This is helpful to know.

Quote:
Also, you identified being selfish as something she has said, and you admitted there is some validity to it. So how are you working on that?
Nonononono. I never said that. Stubborn, not selfish. I am the most unselfish person, especially when it comes to my friends and family.



While I appreciate your posting the clip, I assure you my attempts at keeping my M together has zero to do with winning. Truth be told, I am at a point where I really do not know if I want my W back. And maybe that is the problem. When we are together, I know we have progress. But I do not see her the same anymore. I do not have that spark. Before BD day, I would never have dreamed of uttering a single criticism or unflattering remark about my W to anyone. Now I have a hard time thinking wonderful thoughts even to myself. I honestly believe right now at this point, I could walk away and have no regrets. The reason I do not is maybe I am holding out on the idea that spark will come back to me at some point. That desire to be with her will once again burn deep. Because right now, I am pretty indifferent. I will keep at the DB efforts to the best of my ability and understanding, and see what happens. And yes I have a lot of things to work on regarding myself, and I will continue that. I have a real fear that maybe my W will come around and want to R. And I fear I might end up a WAH.

Last edited by pilot; 07/23/14 04:47 AM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 276
Pilot, I can understand that fear. As much as I want to save my M. And especially because of my kids, I won't give up. But I have seen a lot to not like in my W and I'm nowhere near OK with how she's been throughout the marriage and am still very hurt by how she started this. It makes it very hard to continue to be sorry for mistakes made when you are confused about whether or not you even care anymore. I guess that's where the slow reconciliation process has to take place...if it ever even gets there.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
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