Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
Hey Matt,

You are going to cycle through the "stages of grief" many times as you process everything, comes to terms with the reality of it all. Just accept the feelings are real, sit with them awhile, then let them go. Then you'll hit another round, a little deeper or different take on those feelings, and each time the cycle will be shorter and less intense, usually.

It's normal to miss her, there are triggers everywhere. And the loneliness is normal too. It'll hit you from out of nowhere. Be okay with it. It'll pass. I promise.

Be gentle with yourself, it's okay to take some "down time", you NEED to, to recharge for the stuff ahead.

Soon you will be looking forward to your new life with more excitement than looking back at the past, it's pain, and also those good times.

Well, that is how it's been for me, at least... smile

Hang in there!


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Matt165 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Thanks T2!
I see what you mean about cycling through the stages. For awhile I was really past the anger stage. Really thought I had gotten past that one and then suddenly it was back! I actually stopped myself while I was fuming over some stupid thing and thought "Whoa, you're past this buddy!". I guess you read about those kind of things and think one follows the other and you finally reach acceptance but in real life it just doesn't work that way I'm seeing.

At first when my W moved, she wasn't asking for my D14 to stay with her. Now we're on "her" week #2 and I think it's the quiet around the house, not having to deal with making dinner for her or asking about her day, etc. Gives me a lot more time to "think". Last night I realized that I still have my wedding picture out in my living room. I hadn't even thought about it but noticed it just sitting there. Time to get rid of triggers like that. I probably subconsciously had seen many times.

Thanks for posting T2. Sometimes I am much too hard on myself in trying to get to the "getting over" my M ending. Soon I'll be making new memories that will be better than thinking about a past that is long over.

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
Matt

As everyone has said this is a long mourning process. It is normal and healthy to cycle through periods of sadness and missing your w and the life we shared. I think the way the WAS seems to not care about the end of a marriage is not healthy and will have to back up on them at some point some day.

My father passed away over 10 years ago and I still have moments of unexpected sadness.

While on vacation last week I had 3 incidents of missing h. At one point I was very tempted to call him but talked to a friend instead about what I was feeling. She didn't understand how I could miss someone who treated me so badly but seemed to understand when I explained I missed who he used to be.

Keep feeling and processing and living. You are doing really well.


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Grief from abandonment is different from grief from death.

Google Susan Anderson and Journey to Healing from Abandonment. She has a really helpful workbook that discusses the difference and helps you move through the process.

In some ways, what we are experiencing is similar to what family members feel when someone commits suicide...only, in our case, their is often NO closure.

It's very different to grieve when someone CHOOSES to leave you.

Trust the process and USE the anger to propel you forward when it strikes. The anger can be a valuable tool. And, if you work at it, you can often find anger underneath every stage because there's a part of you that feels wrongly accused/victimized and you have been. It's healthy to feel it. Often, for me--with practice, when I'm wallowing and feelings sad, I'm able to identify anger under the depression. It's that healthy part of me saying, "HEY!! HEY NOW! I didn't deserve this!!!" And, that's my soul crying out for me to see the sickness in my situation. It wasn't us.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 2,609
Quote:
Google Susan Anderson and Journey to Healing from Abandonment. She has a really helpful workbook that discusses the difference and helps you move through the process.

In some ways, what we are experiencing is similar to what family members feel when someone commits suicide...only, in our case, their is often NO closure.

It's very different to grieve when someone CHOOSES to leave you.


Very true, and her book I found very, very helpful.


In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus

Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm

Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 528
True I didn't think about the choice factor. I was thinking in, terms of the man I knew was gone. I will check out the book you, mentioned !


Me 44 H 42
M 10 T 12 (at time of BD)
Ss 20 16
S11 (special needs)

BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom
10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied
S and I move out 3/15
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Matt165 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Thanks Julie, Heather and T2!
I'm going to check that book out as soon as I'm done here. When this started, right after B-day, I spent SO much time trying to figure out where I messed up. The things that my W told me were the "reasons" she just MUST get a D and would not even try just didn't make sense! I started to think she had other reasons that she just didn't want to say to spare my feelings. As time went on and the spewing of absolute nonsense kept coming, interspersed with moments of "You were always a great H and father", I started to see something just didn't add up. It wasn't until I found DB and this board that things started to fall into place.

Thanks everyone! Your and everyone's help and just being there is appreciated more than I can say!

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
Hi Matt,

I dropped by to see how you were since you started this thread.

It's so good to read that you are doing better, not to mention the great advice from fellow posters! (my first thread was mlc RUT, so having a 'rutten' day (or 2, or 3 or, .. ) was not unknown re: me! ) I too will get the book mentioned in this thread, as it is clear that we all experience similiar abandonment issues. cry

>> Last night my W texted me. A simple one line about the low price of gas at the local Sam's Club. I texted back a thank you for letting me know and that was it. This is the 2nd time in the last 2 weeks she has done this and it is the extent of my contact with her between dropping off D14 and last week, going to have dinner with her grandmother for her birthday. The odd thing is she doesn't even contact me about things when my D is here. <<<

I'll just share my experience with some malicious individuals I encountered before. It's odd - but your W's actions remind me of them for some reason. Your wife was unpleasant when you dropped D off but texted you in private. People do that when they need to make/'keep' you the bad guy. If you’re so horrible, you cannot be communicated with - at all! She will not risk Ds awareness of any contact between the two of you - & initiated by her. My MIL was so controlling & mean that when I ended it, I ended it. Had NO desire to have any contact w/her. No calls (alone, w/others, none - she was toxic & I needed her out of my life). What message is W sending when she takes the time (even if a few minutes) to make a call to you? And more so, if D is there!! You're the problem ! She's not 'walking the talk' - a little covert means she gets to talk to you without the risk of D's knowing. She can't be happy, she's so trapped by 'Dad' - a web of controlling actions/re father with her in the center. Your head will spin if you get too close (before it falls off)!

>> Like you, I'm trying to rejump my social life. I allowed myself, like many married men, to lose most of my friendships outside of work.The others were couples and now I just feel so out of place with them. I work an hour and a half from home, so I don't have "hang out" friends from there. I haven't gone out for a week as my D14 was with me last week and I like to spend time with her when she's here. I need to get out and be social! You sound like a smart, interesting person pbetra. I'm sure you will have no problem meeting new people where you're at now. <<

Yes, GAL is a strong antidote for us LBSers. It isn't easy for me either. It's been a awhile & I am no 'natural' but I know I have to persevere. The 'whip lash' from MLCer roller coasting can be formidable! crazy So I'm working away at it ... It's good that you spent some time with D. - time you will not recover in future and time that she would very much appreciate one day. I have a srrange feeling that you will also meet nice people re: GAL efforts. Like they say here at DB, "baby steps".


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 229
Originally Posted By: LoisB
Grief from abandonment is different from grief from death. Google Susan Anderson and Journey to Healing from Abandonment. She has a really helpful workbook that discusses the difference and helps you move through the process.In some ways, what we are experiencing is similar to what family members feel when someone commits suicide...only, in our case, their is often NO closure.

Thx Lois re book! And also for identifying why we feel the way we do > suicide /"NO closure'


It's very different to grieve when someone CHOOSES to leave you.
So true. The feelings are so plentiful & hurtful.

Trust the process and USE the anger to propel you forward when it strikes. The anger can be a valuable tool. And, if you work at it, you can often find anger underneath every stage because there's a part of you that feels wrongly accused/victimized and you have been. It's healthy to feel it. Often, for me--with practice, when I'm wallowing and feelings sad, I'm able to identify anger under the depression. It's that healthy part of me saying, "HEY!! HEY NOW! I didn't deserve this!!!" And, that's my soul crying out for me to see the sickness in my situation. It wasn't us.

This I have to learn to do - to trust the process, & learn how 2 use anger EFFECTIVELY & to my benefit in the long run



Thx again for 'laying out' ... p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Matt165 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Hi Everyone, I need your help!
W called last night to ask if she can come over and clean out some stuff from my D14's room for yard sale D14 and her grandmother is having. I said that would be fine. She gets here and tells me she is coming back tomorrow to take "her" furniture. The stuff from her grandmothers estate sale and some other. When I told her I wanted some of it she freaked. When I said I would make sure it goes to the kids or grandkids when I die, she said no, I know women and when you get remarried, she will keep it! What the heck? She then said "There's "right", then there's "morally right" and my keeping her GM's stuff is "morally wrong". Here is the woman who is leaving for no reason, destroying her family and is telling me what is moral? Not only that she did this front of both the kids! I told her that I don't want her coming back tomorrow, it's too soon and not enough notice. She said them how much better I have it then "most men in a D", that her male boss had no furniture because his wife took it all, she has nothing, I have everything, on and on.

I want to tell her no, she can't come tomorrow. That she can make a list and send it to my lawyer and we'll send back what is acceptable. It will mean a big fight, bad feelings, it will take place in front of the kids and make this whole process a lot harder going down the road. Do I let her do this as the "stuff" doesn't really mean much to me but I also want time to go through and get my stuff out of the book shelves that she wants, etc. She has no right to tell me when she is coming nor tell me what is "morally right" since she has no morals of her own. I just don't want to make things worse. I can't be sure if part of why I'm so angry about her taking all the stuff that we spent over $5,000 on is because I'm so angry about what she is doing, or because of other reasons.

My D19 wants me to tell her not to come tomorrow. That she is being unreasonable and start playing hardball with my W. Tell her to make a list of what is left here that she wants and send it to my lawyer and we will come to an agreement through our lawyers about what is "Right", morally or otherwise. I do that and I can be certain that the D will be speeding up and there will be a lot more animosity. If I don't, I may find myself wishing I had fought for more of what I did want and DESERVE.

What do you all think I should do? I would like some advice before I go off half cocked because I'm angry. Time is a factor. For her to say "If you take that stuff, I'll never see it again" is running through my head and ticking me off.

Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard