Taking it day by day part 2

[claire7]

He totally suxx. Seriously. And I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this-- all of it-- and that your S is sick.

I say this with great compassion, T0. Vent away here. We are listening! But it sounds a little bit like you are responding to him out of emotion. And that is not good for YOU. You have come such a long way.

So what if he texts you a million times.
"I'm sorry I'm just now seeing your messages. S is sick tonight so I was tending to him. The mechanic I went to is the one you have always trusted. He told me that while the leaks are technically fixable, it will cost more than the car is worth. It doesn't seem financially prudent to do that...."

The "he doesn't deserve... because he didn't help last week" response is what strikes me.

Imagine if you responded calmly and clearly to his texts (not immediately, but without emotion and without escalating, and without taking any bait (about lying, etc). Defuse. Defuse. Defuse. If the only thing it brings you is peace, well that is a lot, right? Quit trying to exact revenge. That is not in YOUR best interest for your own well-being and state of mind.

You have come a really long way! Hang in there. Deep breaths!!
.

[T384]

Thank you Claire. If I post the conversation could you critique me on things I could have handled better?

And sorry for the confusion my son isn't sick. I work in the pediatric ICU. I have a pt on cardiac bypass

I do have a lot of anger. I'm working on letting go of that. I have gotten better about not crying and over reacting to his bait but it seems when I take my time to not respond so that it is not emotional he continues to chip away. Like the one text he sent asking what was wrong. Less than 5 minutes later he sends the be a big girl text. He doesn't even give me a chance to respond. That's the part that irritates me that I need to work on. But I am not at his beckon call. He was not there for us last week and cared less that the car was broken because he was on. His vacation and didn't want to deal with it. He is so up and down.

[claire7]

Oh, i imagine that must be an intensely emotional job. I'm sure getting texts like these don't help ease the stress of work. :-(

Something I've tried (with my H, family, friends, etc) who are pi $$ ing me off is to take a deep breath and mutter a choice word to myself under my breath. You could use "jerk", or something more R-rated. And then repeat my mantra to myself. (What is yours??)

You could also respond simply (in the moment or later), "I am working, so I am not able to discuss this with you now."

He is going to do and say and text whatever the F he will. So what. You can only control how you respond.

What if you laughed to yourself when you saw the "big girl" text. His words don't define you! You are helping to save a baby's life! And raising your kids practically alone! And, well, we all know how mature and responsible HE is being. Ha ha. Say (to yourself), "Why yes, (choice word H), I AM a big girl, and you are a (choice word)!!!

And then go 'bout your bizniz with a smile on your face.

Why let HIS words get to you so much? Why give him so much power? He doesn't deserve that!

((Hugs))

[CS000]

^^^^
Claire that response is awesome!

[Georgiabelle]

TO,

I didn't realize you were at work. Claire is spot on with her advice. Think of yourself as Switzerland-neutral. You've done a great job giving businesslike responses.

Unfortunately, when it comes to D, it IS a business discussion. Always take the high road. However, sometimes you've given all the info have and there is nothing else to discuss.

Hang in there! You are doing great:-)

[Ss06]

You really are doing great. I love how he tells you to be a big girl, which, in itself is such an adolescent child's comment. Oh, the irony. I'm going by the 2-3 hour rule for text responses unless they're dire (and they never are). This way, I can drown myself in work or my daughter and calm down from his words before responding. Also, I look very unavailable. It's helpful. Hang in there!

[T384]

Thank you ladies

I have so much work to do on me and improvement on things I can do better. I just need to continue to learn from all these interactions use them as learning experiences on how to avoid this happening (on my part at least) again.

This is how I left it.

H: so the car isn't salvageable?? What did the mechanic say was wrong with the car and who'd you take it to
Me: It was not per the mechanic's recommendation but I still have to pay for it and figure out what to do with it. I can go ahead and just fax you a copy of everything when I get it then you can have the report on paper.
H: If the mechanic has already looked at it he should have a work order already written up. Have him fax that to me by tomorrow morning. I'll work on getting the parts that it needs.
H: And dont try to get stupid by trying to get a friend to write something up I'm not that stupid
Me: I asked and was told they think it is oil and trans fluid but the bottom of the car is covered everywhere they are having a hard time decifering the two without repairing some of the leaks to figure it out.
Me: I will fax the info and your lawyer when I get it.
H: I don't understand why it's such a big deal and why you can't tell me where the car is unless your trying to be sneaky and hide something
Me: there is nothing to hide. You told me it was my fault and my problem so I took the steps needed to fix it to the best of my ability.
Me : as soon as I get the papers I will forward everythjng
H: If the mechanic looked at it it's already available so don't act like you don't have it
H: I'd also like to get it towed back here get a second opinion I'll pay for it

I never responded. I honestly have no paper work. I haven't even gotten a bill or anything. Like I said it's friends that are doing it. Actually they are H friends. But they said they haven't talked to H in months and one of them deleted him off fb after seeing all the nonsense he was posting.

I'm open to all criticism. Trying to better myself for whatever relationship there may be in the future. I def don't want a relationship with that man though.

And Claire you are so right. I do mutter words under my breath lol. I just don't like when he keeps egging me on. Maybe tomorrow or the next time he tries t talk to me I could just randomly say something like, hey I just want to let you know I don't always have my phone on me but I will get back to you it just may take me a bit. If it's an emergency or something you need quickly just call me.

[claire7]

H: so the car isn't salvageable?? What did the mechanic say was wrong with the car and who'd you take it to
Me: It was not per the mechanic's recommendation but I still have to pay for it and figure out what to do with it. I can go ahead and just fax you a copy of everything when I get it then you can have the report on paper.

You stayed calm, but didn't really answer his question. Is it possible he feels you are making a quick (rash) decision-- to get rid of the car-- based on inexperience and lack of knowledge about it? Kind of like how my dad can look at something that I would toss in the garbage as "broken" and be able to fix it right up. Does your H have experience with cars? Was this an issue in your M? (Dismissing something that he had more experience than you?)

((And by the way, I am not making judgements or assumptions at all-- I am just raising questions for you to think about to help you reflect/move forward. I hope you don't take offense at anything!))

H: If the mechanic has already looked at it he should have a work order already written up. Have him fax that to me by tomorrow morning. I'll work on getting the parts that it needs.

He's trying to be helpful!

H: And dont try to get stupid by trying to get a friend to write something up I'm not that stupid

and obnoxious, too. ick.

Me: I asked and was told they think it is oil and trans fluid but the bottom of the car is covered everywhere they are having a hard time decifering the two without repairing some of the leaks to figure it out.
Me: I will fax the info and your lawyer when I get it.

Ok. you gave him some more specific info and tried to calmly get out of the conversation.

H: I don't understand why it's such a big deal and why you can't tell me where the car is unless your trying to be sneaky and hide something

Man, he does this thing where he says something totally reasonable, and then in the next instant says something so icky. I can see why it would be exasperating for you!

Me: there is nothing to hide. You told me it was my fault and my problem so I took the steps needed to fix it to the best of my ability.

I think here is where you took the bait. If you re-read this part, can you see anything about your response that you might have been better off saying differently, or not at all?

H: If the mechanic looked at it it's already available so don't act like you don't have it
H: I'd also like to get it towed back here get a second opinion I'll pay for it

Here he is trying to be helpful again (and icky at the same time). He offered to pay to have it towed so he could get a 2nd opinion. I know he has a terrible track record for returning your vehicles, so I could understand you'd be hesitant!

What if you instead told him you'd get a 2nd opinion if he was willing to pay for it?

I don't know if my advice is useful or not. But thinking about someone else' sitch is distracting me from mine, which is helpful tonight. Thank you!

[T384]

Claire. I'm sorry about your sitch, thank you for your insight. It really is so helpful to have all of you here because you guys are objective and not biased. Everyone in my life is so angry with him for how he treats us.

And to answer some of your questions he was always in charge of taking care of the cars. That's why last week I pointed out it really hurt me when I told him about it he didn't want to help. I've always counted on him to take care of the vehicles and he always did willingly. I just don't like his attitude of on 'his time'. That's the really frustrating part is last week it was 'it's not my problem' but now he wants me to jump through hoops for him.

I shouldn't have put the comment about he told me it was my problem. Even though it's right. I need to stop worrying about being right and just be business like no matter how hard he stabs. I really feel like part of him is trying to see if I'm changing (not to work things out but just because) especially since he said to me last week clearly you haven't changed at all.

I am by no means willing to give him the car for a second opinion. Like you said with his track record no way and especially since he hacked into my bank account while I was out of town and wiped out my personal savings from my inheritance money. So no way on that one!'

I do not take offense to anything you say. And as I've said in the past you all will have to excuse my responses. I type on my iphone so it can get jumbled and scattered. Plus my mind is usually going a mile a minute with emotion and my fingers can't keep up

[woundedfool]

I know he has a terrible track record for returning your vehicles, so I could understand you'd be hesitant!

Just thinking out loud... and T0324 don't do this unless others chime in:

But I kind of feel the above quote is the big issue, it is fair to say this must be a worry if you get him involved on the vehicle.

Is there a way to reasonably communicate that? Similar in spirit to "setting a boundary"?

For example: H I know vehicles are your expertise, and you have always been very good at it. But I am having a tough time wanting to accept your help, as I find it difficult to know what would happen if I gave you access to the car.

again, just a thought.