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nova Offline OP
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Saw an IC for the first time today. It was pretty rough going through everything again to fill her in on my sitch, but I made it through. She said that I made a huge step in just coming in to talk. She said that the first thing we are going to do is to just come to terms with what has happened, without dwelling on the "why?" of it all. Then we'll work on moving forward. She said that I have to come to terms with it all before I can do anything else, and I basically knew that, but I'm hoping that she can help me do that.

W was in the neighborhood this evening for a meeting (she is still on the HOA board until elections). She sent me a message asking if she could stop by to drop off some things of mine that she found, and I said sure. Each time she stops by, I get so excited to see her, especially this time, since it's the first time in three weeks I've seen her. But each time I feel like crap after. She acts as if nothing ever happened. Not the separation, not the marriage, she just acts like we are two people that happen to know one another. And I don't know why, but that bothers me so much. And then she leaves, and I feel lonely again. I think this will be the last time for a while that I say "OK" to her coming over.


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 188
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I had the same thing happen and anger is natural.


Me 40 W 40
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Hang in there man. You dont know if she is putting on a front everytime she sees you or not. In your mind, she doesnt miss you at all and you are the only one having trouble with this. That isnt the case Im sure as many of us felt that way.

She could have used your stuff as an excuse to see you. Im not saying that is 100% the reason here, but you dont know. Thats all Im getting at. What she is doing is normal really. Just keep your DB attitude and methods going. Dont show her your emotion when she stops by. I also wouldnt discourage her from coming over or anything when you are there. You want to see her and this is a chance for you to show off some of your changes a bit.

She acts like that right now because her guard is up and she isnt going to give you any signs that she values you as a romantic partner right now. Take it from me though, it can turn around in the blink of an eye. It happened to me and Thornton. There is no real explanation as to why, but it happens. Keep at it and dont give up.


M:33
W:30
T:10 M:2
B/D: 5/27/14
S: 5/28/14
Wife moved back in 7/18/14
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nova Offline OP
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Thanks Ben. I need to remember to rule of believe none of what you hear and less than half of what you see. I've tried each time she's come over to act as "normal" as possible, just being myself and not showing my emotions. And I think you are right about not discouraging her from coming over. As much as it stings, I do want to see her, and I want her to see the work that I am doing on and for myself.


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 221
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Nova,

Sorry that you find yourself here.

I read your story. Ouch. It sounds to me (and when I read a post like yours I usually jump and and point it out) like your wife is involved in an affair. The way that her emotions switched off for you and her speed to leave would make sense if you had been abusing her for the last many years, but you didn't. In fact, you were simply guilty of not having the best marriage skills- like most of us on here. You loved your wife, took care of each other, and made a few common mistakes. None of that is reason for her to leave.

However, if you wife has met someone else, that changes everything. Her feelings for that other person will become more important to her than your decade together. She will become addicted to that new relationship, no matter how it tears her life apart. Much of what your wife has said is script from other Wayward wives on here. expect that your wife will start to rewrite the history of your M, highliting all of the times that you hurt her. This is also what she will tell her family and friends as she does not what them to think that she was the bad guy when she suddenly introduces them to the new beau in her life.

Many of us here didn't think that our wives could cheat or lie- but many of them have or are. In fact, your W may not have thought that she was the type to cheat until she started to fall for someone close to her. Everyone is capable of it, no matter how upstanding they may be.

I could be wrong- I'm simply posting my thoughts here. Ultimately, you will have to be able to meet your wife's emotional needs to win her back, but that won't be easy if she lives elsewhere. If there's someone else in the picture, that A will have to die a natural death, most likely, before she will return to you.

-HS

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nova Offline OP
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Thanks for your thoughts Hopeful. I hope that is not what is going on, although you were the second person in as many days to tell me that. I guess all I can do either way is just try to be the best me that I can be.

My new living room furniture was delivered today, to replace the set that she took to her apartment. It's nice that there isn't a big gaping hole there now, helps to make the house not feel so empty. But at the same time, I look at it, and it's just so, different. Like it's not quite right. I'm sure that in time I'll get used to it. And the new couch is very comfy (great for naps).


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 35
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nova Offline OP
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W copied me on a letter she sent to the lawyer today, asking for him to draw up a legal separation document. She probably thought she was doing it out of courtesy, but it was really just a kick in the gut.

Has anyone here on the forum had an experience with this kind of document? Apparently once it's drawn up, I have to sign it to acknowledge when our year of separation started (which is required in MD before divorce). Is signing that giving my OK to divorce? Does that legally mean that I am OK with this? I guess I just don't understand it, and it kinda sent my head spinning today.


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 273
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I have signed a few things so far. I would think signing this is just saying you got it, not agreeing to anything. Just be sure to read it all and call an attorney if you need. If you do not have one, the state bar association usually can point you in the right direction.


Me43/WAW43..M 4y..S1 11/S2 4..Bomb2/2014..Dfile 5/2014..Settlement signed 8/20/14..D final 8/29/14
I moved out 10/10/14..WAW got D she wanted. I wanted R. No waiting,just no boundaries in her way.
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nova Offline OP
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Today was our anniversary. I've been doing OK lately, but today, no matter what I did, no matter how busy I stayed or how distracted I kept myself, I felt awful. I feel as terrible as I did the day she left. Not even going out with friends tonight was enough. I feel like I have worked so hard to get my ship righted, and I just lost it all. I missed her so much today.

And then to make matters even worse, my mother posted a message to my wife on Facebook today that said "In case you forgot today makes 4 Years." I couldn't believe it. Even after telling her to stay out of this she does that. I got so mad at her and called her to tell her not to do that again, delete it if she can, and to stay out of this. All that is going to do is piss W off. So now, on top of everything else that has been going on, my mother and I are pissed at one another. And now I don't know what to do. Do I apologize to W for my mother? or do I just pretend I didn't see it?


Me: 28
W: 28
Together: 9.5 years
Married: 4 years
Bomb dropped and W moved out: 6/15/14
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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"xDo I apologize to W for my mother? or do I just pretend I didn't see it?"

No you shouldn't apologize to your W, but you should apologize to your mother. She was only doing what she felt was right and you'd do the same for your kids. She's doing it because she loves both you and your W. If your W makes a big deal about it, tell her just that and end it.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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