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Joined: Jul 2014
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I think you're doing great. I think if you can, table the discussion about the email. He'll try it again, hopefully at a time when you can approach the situation. If/when he does, you can address how it makes you feel disrespected and inadequate.

I think the best thing you can do before he leaves is be pleasant and uninterested in his trip. Act as if...

Make some plans w/ the kids for while he's gone and have fun.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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Checking in again - certainly do things when they feel right for you, no need to lay down a strict boundary if that's not where you're at. I just saw some dissonance in your posts - you said you wanted honesty/fidelity and didn't feel comfortable with a 3rd person involved in your M, but I didn't see what exactly you were doing to set that boundary. It's important to remember that YOU have needs, too, and that you're not doing all of this at your own expense of what you are comfortable and OK with. Another way to think of this - what are changes you can make for yourself that don't involve around reacting to or interacting with him? I was stuck early on too about trying to make all my changes about how I could be more appreciative, more caring, more loving, etc... it didn't really make a difference, for a variety of reasons. Instead I'm now trying to focus on myself and what I can improve in general, irrespective of my interactions with H.

What's up exactly with the sending the sexy women pictures?? Why does he send them and what's the point? I'm glad that you said how you really felt about them in this instance. And in a way your H acknowledged that but it was like one of those "I'm sorry, but.." apologies... "I don't want you to feel that way BUT I'm just trying to have fun, lighten up here!" sort of thing. Has it made you feel inadequate or uncomfortable in the past but instead you forced the flirty/sexy talk? Did you do things you were uncomfortable with at the expense of your own boundaries and feelings to try to please him?

My personal opinion: when your H suggested the class and said he was a wise man... I don't think you need to pander to his ego any more at that point. That was a bit over-the-top. Your H may have his own issues to work on regarding getting applause and appreciation from others instead of genuinely being happy about himself. I'm not saying your H is in any way similar to mine, but in my situation my H SAID he wanted more appreciation/compliments/etc. When I tried to do that more, he just deflected them, and later when we had a discussion about it, he said "I feel like I need the compliments and appreciation to feel better about myself... but what people can give me is never enough.. I feel like I always need more and more because I never quite believe it when people say it so it doesn't make me happy like I think it will." It's possible that no matter how much you do it really won't make your H happy, because he needs to figure out how to be happy with himself and his own accomplishments, even if there's no one there to notice them. There's a balance to strike between speaking someone's love language of words of appreciation/admiration, and being the sole source of their esteem and "happiness."


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
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... and I don't know that there's anything more to say about the email at this point. You said you how you felt and therefore why you didn't respond. I don't know that you need to justify why you feel the way you feel, it's OK to feel that way.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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Posts: 334
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KGirl -

You are very wise. Are you sure you're only 28?

The sexy pics were not things that made me uncomfortable before, but before I had never felt threatened by another woman. I think it's pretty normal for men to admire other women and their bodies. It's a gazillion dollar industry and has been since time began (look at all of the beautiful artwork in the world). I had always been pretty comfortable with my body until this happened....So, this is new. We'll have to work our way through this issue.

Setting my own boundaries...yes. As you know, I simply have a difficult time drawing the hard line in the sand of "If you're still in a relationship with OW, then...." What I find frustrating is that I can do this is so many areas of my life, but somehow this particular boundary terrifies me. Why? Because a couple of resources suggest to ignore the affair. To not ignore the affair would be to push him towards the affair. I don't want to do that. I want the affair to burn itself out, and that takes time.

But, at what cost? You're right - I have my own sanity to protect here.

As for my H's ego....Yes, it's a delicate thing. When we first met, I learned that his family never really gave him much affection. They're not that type of family. He was a professional singer at a young age, and a good athlete, and a good student. But - he never really got kudos for that. When I met him he was an incredibly handsome guy, smart and funny, but had not had many girls who had been interested in him. He's worked hard throughout our life, and has done very well professionally, excelling in certain hobbies...But boy, oh boy....The more successful he's gotten, the more affirmation he seems to need. While sometimes I think to myself, "You're really not THAT great, especially when you act like this," I realize - he already knows it. He tells me all the time when he's projecting his own self-loathing on himself. So he's walking this funny line of "tell me how great I am! I'm so great!" and "I know what I'm doing right now is so, so crappy..." It's his own tightrope and he's looking at the chasm beneath him. Sadly, at some point he's going to fall.

He's off for his trip now.

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Hey MLP I agree with you that setting that boundary is terrifing . I am doing the same on the advice of a counsellor and several resourses . To let the affair run its course , they always do apparently but they take time . My thought is if I can wait out this behavior then when the fog lifts she will see me standing there patiently waiting , loyal to the end . And hopefully she will love me for it .In the process I hope that I dont lose respect and love for her .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jun 2014
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Well - he's off.

He brought up the email again--TWICE. (Apparently this is stuck in his craw...)

He basically told me both in person and by text that I shouldn't feel inadequate. When he told me in person I was walking into the bathroom, so I didn't say anything, and I think he assumed I didn't hear him. The text came after he had landed on his trip. Again - I didn't say anything (I was driving our daughter to the camp bus, so couldn't engage in texting). He then launched an entire conversation, speaking between the two of us. Not only did he write that I'm not inadequate, but that he's super awesome, too! Back and forth....So funny, this egomaniacal crazy. It's like he's so down on himself that he's got to overcompensate. Sheesh.

Anyway - some new things on this trip.
1) He's turned off international roaming. He had gotten it for himself post BD. He told me that he had it so he could contact OW more easily when he was in her country. Okay - that's off. It could just be that it's expensive. Not reading too much into that.

2) He spent last night playing a game online with S and me. Now - this was after 8 pm, and I totally understand that things can happen between end of day and 8...but in the past their dates would go from end of day until 11 or 12, consistently. Last night was his first night there. Tonight is his last night there. He has plans to go to a baseball game with another co-worker. Now - again....I'm totally aware that what he is telling me may not actually jive with what actually happens (believe none of what they say), but this would be a stupid lie to tell me, since the co-worker's wife is a good friend of mine and she's actually there right now, too. If he doesn't go to the baseball game, he's told S that he wants to play online with the two of us again tonight.

Shifting sand right now....Not really sure what to make of it.

Last edited by MLP; 07/23/14 11:34 AM.
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Oh! I almost forgot!!!

I got a call about the job that I applied for yesterday!

Keeping my fingers crossed about it. It would be an interesting thing to do!

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Good for you MLP . My name is Mike . Whats yours ? So i dont have to call you MLP . Its great to get some good news when everything looks like its getting crapped on in your life . I feel im at a bottom right now but maybe not , things can always get worse but hopefully not lolol Ive been doing some things to better myself personally but I dont know if its being noticed . The only thing i notice is whenever im around she is sneaking out to text or call , alot and it hurts me everytime i see it . hopefully things burn themselves out before long . But it doesnt looked cooled down very much if at all , but then ive detached alot so i really am not in the know on the state of her A or A's . Any way I hope this job helps you in life and in your relationship . Are you currently not working ?


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Good luck with the job!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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I'm going to stick with the anonymity of MLP...Maybe you can use "Em" if you like?

Either way - honestly, Mike, I think a big turning point for me was when I realized that not everything is getting crapped on in my life. I'm pretty unhappy about the state of my marriage BUT, this isn't about me AND I have lots of other blessings. I have healthy, happy, smart, good kids (and they took work! And I need to make sure they stay on that path!). The summer weather is great and I can walk around barefoot and enjoy the simple things like my garden (tomatoes are growing!) and the beauty of the world around me. I got to go on vacation recently and see dolphins in the Atlantic ocean and pelicans fishing. I have GREAT friends - some of whom know and are supportive of me, and some of whom don't BUT I know are out there. And - not to be discounted, but I have food on my table and a roof over my head and clothes on my back. Plus -I have a healthy body that is training for a marathon and so far I'm still not in pain! So - while I don't currently have something that I value SO MUCH (a happy, honest, faithful marriage), I have so much more than others.

I do have a job, but it's private consulting and I get referrals via word of mouth. The good news is that the people that I work for are usually very happy with what I do! The harder part is that it's really seasonal work and while I make a good hourly salary, it's not full time. The flexibility is awesome, but ultimately the income is peanuts and wouldn't really sustain me if I was on my own. SO - applying for the new job is really a safety net for me. Totally new thing in an area where I've only ever volunteered, but I think I'd be really good at it and the salary and benefits would actually be excellent.

We shall see! It's an interesting thing to consider.

Lastly - Mike, one thing that's helped me is to stop looking for the end. It will end when it ends. This is a long, long journey. I've run 5 marathons--and they have some similarities. Marathons are grueling and one really has to pace oneself to make it to the end. You have to stop and make sure you're taken care of (water and food) and you can't try to finish too quickly or you'll run out of energy. The worst marathon I ever ran, I got a blister on my foot at about mile 2. I ran 24.2 miles with blisters on my feet, and it was horrible. And while it would have been easy to give up, I didn't. I think standing is very similar. It's easy to give up, but I don't want to. I'm hoping the finish is worth it....I intend to make it there, but I have to pace myself and take care of myself!

I hope everyone has a great day!

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