Taking it day by day part 2

[T384]

Wounded - you bring up a great point as I thought about saying something similar however I'm sure if I sent it last night I probably wouldn't have said it so neutrally lol

And I totally trust your advice but maybe we could get some more opinions.

They are trying to set mediation up the very beginning of august now so a few weeks sooner. Unfortunately the only days that work for them I'm working. I work 4 days a week and usually it's weekdays so it's next to impossible to find an open day. So I offered the last week of august since my schedule isn't made yet. I am so nervous but I wonder if it would be better for me to be in the same room as him. I know my emotions so I know it is best for me not to talk to him afterward and go our separate ways

I'm sad today and reading Claire's new post made me realize I am jealous of those with positive outcomes lately. So happy for them but jealous. I made many mistakes the first 2 months. But what have I seen in the last 3 months. Nada. No glimmer of any positive. Just more public sharing with his GF. More outward showing of affection. More sh*t talking about me to every and anyone he can. Less effort to see the kids, ugh. I'm not ready to call it quits but it's so hard when you know the other person has moved on

[woundedfool]

And I totally trust your advice but maybe we could get some more opinions.

I actually don't trust my advice on that either.... thats why some other input will be great.

I made many mistakes the first 2 months. But what have I seen in the last 3 months. Nada. No glimmer of any positive. Just more public sharing with his GF. More outward showing of affection. More sh*t talking about me to every and anyone he can.

Don't you see the correlation? Once you let go, and started to detach... he NOTICED. Once he noticed, there seem to have been a significant uptick in attempts to: bait you, start an argument, be difficult, etc.

The pics/PDA's/lashing out are his way of dealing with you letting go.

I can't say it is a good thing, but it is not bad.

I'm not ready to call it quits but it's so hard when you know the other person has moved on

Based on what you have told us his "moved on" is starting to crumble a bit... seems pressure from his L, his boss/landlord, etc. And he is doing nothing to alleviate that pressure, or deal with his own issues. Be patient and keep the focus on you.

The aliens still have him in the fog.... but the aliens are starting to smell his stink.

[T384]

I hope that's true. I have missed your advice the last few days. I thought you forgot about me! Ha

I'm just going to continue my best and lean on you all to save me from myself

[T384]

Dealing more with angry H. He sent me a text this morning saying 'you work today' (can you please have a text that is formulated like English lol!)

I just said yes

I assume the boys are home. Who knows I am at work. well he just shows up and they aren't there. Sends me a text

H : guess I'll never be seeing the boys anymore
Me: why? Sorry you feel that way not sure why
H: Well you know I come see them nights you work and guess what no body's home
Me : Just shoot me a text with what time you'll be over so I can make sure there around. You know I work in an ICU and things can get hectic. the boys do things during the day and are probably at the basketball courts or something
H: whatever I am so done playing games with you. I'm done

Me: we really need to work on our communication so this doesn't happen

H: no you know I see them the days you work that's what the problem is

Me: H, Just because you ask if I'm working doesn't mean I know you're coming over. There have been nights I send you texts and you say you are working late or doing other things. I assumed the boys were home. I'm sorry. Just call me in the future and I'm sure we can easily fix the problem.

H: Yes the days you pick up extra days to work sometimes I can not come.when you give me your schedule I can plan my work week around yours instead of me asking you everyday if your working

H: Just like communication like you taking the kids out of state with out even saying a word to me where they were going

H: and I can't even take them down the street without telling you when I come to the house without you being a bitch and getting pissy.

I haven't responded. My L is the one that told me not to tell H about where we were going. She was afraid he would try to take the vehicles from my house while nobody was home. I did send him a courtesy text saying hey the boys won't be at basketball we are going out of town for a couple days he just said oh okay. Never asked anything else.

Any advice, do I respond? I'm trying not to get trapped here

[Maybell]

What would you respond with? I can't even tell what he wants.

I'm sorry that's how he's treating you.

[T384]

I ended up saying

Me: Would you like me to call when I get done giving report and have them meet you somewhere. Then you can just bring them home a bit later since it's summer I usually let them stay up til 930-10 anyway

H: Don't even worry about by the time I meet them I will have bring them rite back I will see them Tomorrow and I should be moving into my place end ofvthis week beg of next then you better believe we WILL be discussing what nights there going to be with me

Me: okay. My L has been trying to get in touch with yours regarding this.

H: I can't wait for mediation. I have never looked forward to something so much
H: can't wait to be done with you
H: Need set a day where I can come get rest my things when the boys are not there so I can get this over with.

I never responded. I know icant right now. I'm too upset

[Maybell]

I'm really sorry he's treating you that way.

He's not responding to anything but his own feelings. Not one other thing about this situation seems to be penetrating. Not even his own L. So it really looks like you shouldn't take any of this personally. He's not responding to you at all, just the mess in his head. I'm sorry.

[unbidden]

Honestly, it reads like he's having some kind of breakdown. It's definitely not you. Hang in there. You're strong and we're all here for you.

[claire7]

((big hugs, T0)) You are strong! Stronger than him, that's for sure.

(Do you have a mantra, yet? Mine is "I am confident, capable and strong". You are welcome to use it if you wish! Pour yourself a glass of wine, put on something funny (or weepy, your choice... or how about Thelma and Louise?), and repeat your mantra over and over and over and over. THAT is the voice you need to be hearing in your head! Not his icky one.

Rooting for you.
(P.S... you may take some satisfaction that if you do the work on yourself, you may just end up peaceful and happy... and maybe even married! My MIL ended up with a wonderful 2nd H who treats her and her kids like gold. And your H probably won't find the happiness he is looking for, because he's not looking in the right place. He's certainly not going to find it in an 18 year old's pants! Ha.

Hang in there. Deep breaths.

[Georgiabelle]

TO,

I'm sorry your h is being this way. I promise I received texts just like this until I stopped engaging. You cannot have a meaningful conversation via text. You just can't. Our sitches have so many similarities.

Your h is very angry and hurt. I'll postulate here and say he thinks you are the reason for his anger and pain. Every m has issues. They just do. I'm not sure off the top of my head what some of the issues were in your m, although I'm sure they were not 100% your fault. Yes, DBing focuses only on you because thats what you can control. However, your h is very venomous. My announced on Twitter that the reason divorce was so expensive is because it was worth it. He also finally started seeing an IC to discuss how horrible I was to him.

My point is that text exchange was way too long. He wants to bait you and spew at you. Don't engage. You should have simply said. "I'm at work and I didn't know you were coming by. I'm sorry you didn't see the boys. Yes, let's set a schedule." Something to that effect. Ignore the how excited he is about divorcing you and all that other caca. Do not engage. Take a deep breath and trust me, I know how difficult it can be to take the high road when you are dealing with someone who is behaving like a class A a$$hat and your children are hurting. NEVER take the bait. And much of his words to you are just that-bait. To see if you engage, year him down, etc so he can say "she's the most evil wench in the world" so he can justify his actions.

Don't respond to the last text. I waited 4 days to respond to one that was a giant worm on a fishing hook. Regardless of what happens, please know this. Kml posted on my thread something I've always know but have a difficult time articulating. She said marriage and kids are difficult and that some people are too weak to handle it. They run. Please know that you are the rock for your boys and even if you get a D, if you truly want to reconcile that possibility is there. It's your decision. However , for now, your h is in a place that I wouldn't want to be in for anything in this world. So let him deal with that and drop the rope. Doesn't mean you don't have hope- just let him deal with his caca.

Sending you a hug. I'm sorry this was the equivalent of GB's version of " Crime and Punishment". Ignore my typos:-)