WAH & MLC? - EA/PA - Please Help

[Sam3]

Not much to update this week. Kids & I had a great time on out vacation.
Did not talk to H much this week. A couple of the days he asked about the baby & some house stuff.

He came home this morning & we took our D5 to her open house for school. She is starting a new school. Pretty uneventful. I have a great PMA. I got dressed up nicely. Fixed hair & makeup. And wore some wedge heels. We saw a few neighbors and they all commented on how great I look. And what my secret was. I just said baby & stress. So that was nice to hear.

I'm planning on going back to the beach tomorrow morning & staying the night. My birthday is Monday. So a few of my girlfriends are going with me & we are going to hang at the beach, go to dinner, & then maybe a few local beach bars. It should be great.

H asked what my plans were. I told him I was staying with the baby tonight. So he could take big kids to dinner. He said "why I don't I take everyone to dinner since it's your birthday on Monday. Even though you didnt do anything for my birthday." Then he was interrupted by S4.

I didn't get a chance to validate in the moment. Because they walked outside to look at something. I didn't know if I should bring his statement up again just to validate or let it go?

Should I agree to a dinner with the kids?
Our interactions are so limited. I'm thinking this might be a great opportunity to show my DB skills. But don't know status of OW. And I'm not interested in being best friends forever with someone who put no effort in to our marriage. We still have had no real talks about what the problems were. Although I am being friendly & upbeat. I drew some boundaries about 7 weeks ago in regards to OW.

Anyone have thoughts on the dinner out with kids offer?

Train? Are you out there?

[Train]

Hey, Sam! I'm here! Took a few days off.

I think the dinner date - since it's with the kids and for your birthday - would be perfectly fine! I think you have your detaching and expectations in check and don't look at this as anything more than an opportunity to show the new Sam.

Sounds like you're doing an INCREDIBLE job, Sam!

[Sam3]

Journaling & a few questions -

Well H came here Friday morning. We took our D5 to her open house for school. He asked what my plans were for the weekend. I told him I would be at our home Fri night taking care of baby and would leave Saturday morning to go to the beach. Coming home Sunday.

I told him that he could take our older kids out to dinner Fri night. he aid "why don't I take everyone to dinner since it's your birthday on Monday." I agreed to go to dinner with the kids. Had a nice dinner & I kept things light.
Acted "as if".

I asked him on Saturday morning if he was ready to talk sometime soon, possibly Monday after we took D5 to her first day of school, about the marriage issues to see what we were dealing with. He said "I freaked him out, when he asked a few weeks ago, and I called him back the next day to say yes, that I would like to talk." He said he is still not ready to talk.

His aunt told me yesterday that she spoke to him on Saturday & he told her he would like to work things out but wants it come back together naturally.

I left on Saturday night and went to the beach to stay the night with some girlfriends. We had dinner & dancing & a great time.
Came home Sunday afternoon to get D5 ready for her first day of school.

We took D5 together to drop her off on her first day of school. We came home & he left to drive to his work. He did tell me "Happy Birthday" and gave me a side hug.

Yesterday afternoon, I found out that my step grandfather is in the hospital & not expected to live. I did send H a text telling him to call me back so I could explain details. He called me back and I explained what was happened and the diagnosis.

Last night, I decided to do some snooping. As mentioned in my previous post - I have a feeling that there has been some level of deceit throughout the marriage. I went on to the google account & was able to see google searches that were done from his cell phone. From September 2010 - November 2013.

Over this time, I see that he searches for porn DAILY.
He also searched for several other websites which are a bit more concerning - Plenty of fish dating website, searches for where ladies nights are for that particular day of the week he searched - ex. wed night ladies night in (city where he works),
a website called f**k buddies, and also google searches from 9/2012 - 9/2013 for one of the women that he has been hanging out with since BD (but not the main OW that I saw text evidence of). In the searches I can see he googles her name then looked at her facebook or several other things that come up when searching her name.

I'm hurt. But, it is helping me to put a picture together of things I had no idea were happening. Especially because he is "not ready to talk" about our problems.

If he has been cheating for the past 2 years or longer I believe this is a dealbreaker for me. I feel like a fool that I had no idea there were any problems this far back.

We were not in a sex starved marriage - we ML 2 of the 3 days that he was home on the weekends. ALWAYS. Except the last month or so of my pregnancy with baby #3.

I'm not sure how I & our marriage can overcome the issues that he has with possibly being a serial cheater & a possible sex addiction. Is that what it's called when someone looks at porn daily & frequents strip clubs?

He does not want to talk about the issues.
What are some good options I have at this point?
I reread DR this morning about internet addictions & giving the ultimatum.
Is that appropriate here when someone does not even want to talk about marital issues yet?

Should I send an email confronting with the past? He said when we talk he does not want to discuss the last 3 months only the issues that led us there.

I need to make some additional boundaries. But, I don't really know what other steps I can take. He only comes to see kids every other weekend. He does stay at our house & I usually leave. Maybe I should ask him not to come here anymore?

I also think I need to go completely dark with him. He is definitely going to wonder whats going on because I have been being lovingly detached, neighborly, and pleasant.

How to go dark with small kids? And a baby with medical issues? It may not be possible.

Would an explanation of why I only want to speak to him via text be necessary?

Any help or advice is appreciated.

[Starsky309]

Hi Sam,

It's been awhile since I posted to you, and I've done what I could to catch up (you have some looooong posters -- including YOU! -- on your thread! ).

No, I don't think you can really issue ultimatums when he's not yet (by any means) asking you "What will it take for you to take me back?" It's just not the time.

BOUNDARIES, yes, but listing your DEALBREAKERS, no.

I would not confront him about the porn or the internet searches. I would -- as the Good Book says -- "hide it away in your heart" and use it for future reference, if needed.

I don't necessarily see the porn searches as an issue per se, if you two had a frequent and healthy sex life during that time. I also know that men and women often look at this issue very differently. But looking up local ladies nights?? Different issue -- and obviously a problem.

I can only tell you what I'd do if it were ME. IF serial infidelity would be a dealbreaker for me (and it would be), I would do whatever I needed to do to find out the truth about what my spouse had been doing the past few years. DBing is mostly a "no snooping" stance, but MWD herself advises to use a keylogger on a spouse's computer if you need to find out if there is a sexual addition or online EA going on. I would find out, once and for all, and then plan from there.

I'll try to catch back up as I have time.

Hang in there; you're getting some great advice from Train and the others.

Starsky

[Train]

I think the first question - armed with the information you now have - is if you feel your H and your M are worth fighting for.

Only you can decide that.

What are your non-negotiable, core beliefs? What can you deal with in a M? What CAN'T you deal with?

Sit with this new information for a day or two. Post here. I don't think I would send an e-mail, and I most certainly wouldn't let H know what all you know.

[Train]

Looks like Starsky and I cross-posted ... and said sorta the same things.

[Sam3]

Thanks for stopping by Starsky &
Train. Okay so for now I will file away my intel about the Internet searches.

I think the first question - armed with the information you now have - is if you feel your H and your M are worth fighting for.

Only you can decide that.

What are your non-negotiable, core beliefs? What can you deal with in a M? What CAN'T you deal with?

Sit with this new information for a day or two. Post here. I don't think I would send an e-mail, and I most certainly wouldn't let H know what all you know.

Thanks Train. I will sit on this. My initially reaction was "omg... He definitely has issues."
My core beliefs are that these things may not be deal breakers if presented individually but the combination of all of it together - it seems like it may be more difficult for me to overcome. Especially because he has said he will not quit his job - he wants to be there at least 2 more years.

I want to save my marriage. But I feel like this is another example of how my H had no boundaries previously and walked all over me. I feel like he knows I'm kinda stuck.

I feel very deceived. If this has been going on for 2 years or more than maybe he wasn't "rewriting our history" during bd when he said he has not been happy for years.

Right now, I live a comfortable life. My H is still taking care of things financially. (I check weekly. He does not know I check.) I live in our dream home that we built 2 years ago, I have money to do things. I stay at home with our 3 kids. I could easily just keep sitting while he does whatever he wants. OW, going to ladies nights, spending large amounts of money. But my "core beliefs" feel like this is wrong. For me to sit comfortably to see if & when he decides to be my husband again. (And I am GAL) I feel like doing nothing is turning my head to his behavior because he is still taking care of things financially.

I struggle with the quote "inaction is an action."
Can anyone explain this a little more to me? Sorry if I just don't get it.

Thanks again!

[Tarheel]

I struggle with the quote "inaction is an action."
Can anyone explain this a little more to me? Sorry if I just don't get it.

This analogy was provided at my church about a month ago and I thought it was very accurate...

You see someone being mugged on the street. You basically have 3 options:
1. You intervene by running over and physically stopping it.
2. You call the police, but keep your distance, possibly even continuing on your way feeling you did the 'right' thing.

and 'inaction is an action'...

3. You turn your head and keep walking. You've effectively chosen to not get involved- that is your action.

Before I was aware of this analogy, I wrote an email to my W's couple friends who I found out had gone to a bar with W to meet up with OM and others. These 2 friends were like sisters to me, so I was disappointed in their 'inaction.' I wish I would have used this analogy because they failed to grasp the concept and used the excuse 'it's not our position to judge even though we may disagree with W's actions.' They basically saw the crime and kept walking....

[Train]

I'll write more soon, Sam. Inaction IS an action *sometimes* and in some cases. But maybe not while you're completely in limbo.

I'm going to try to put this together in my head before I deliver it here.

I'll be back!

[Sam3]

Thanks Tarheel for that explanation. Following your stitch. Hoping for good outcome.

Train - I look forward to hearing back from you.