Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
S
Sam3 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...498#Post2460498

This is the link to my previous thread. I started a new thread because I my stitch has changed so much from when I came to the board & I felt my topic was too vague.

A recap of my previous post- If you want more details of my stitch, I have several posts with very detailed info.

We have three children 5 & under. My baby was 11 weeks old when this started.
H has worked 3 hours away Mon-Fri for the past 2 years

5/10/2014 my H tells me he's not happy, he's confused.
5/25/2014 ILYBNILWY says he's going to go do his own thing for a while. If in here when he figured it out, if Im not - then Im not.
5/26/2014 I find out through snooping there is OW
6/2/2014 H goes on fishing trip with buddies - find out later OW stayed in his hotel room

Around this time I go dark. Only communicating about kids or house issues.

6/15/2014 I confront him about OW he says they are friends & "hanging out"
Because I saw the text msg between them. I told him this was disrespectful to be doing in our home or while he is out with our children. I asked/told him my boundary is no communication with OW while in my home or spending the very little time he has with our children. If it continues I told him we would sign a parenting plan & work out a schedule for the kids.

6/20/2014 we go to MC together for the one & only time he tells me OW slept in his bed but they only kissed. He tells me he took care of the situation with OW

6/23/2014 I find out he bought a prepaid cell phone

6/25/2014 I told him I knew he lied to me about contacting OW so we signed a calendar & agreed he will see kids every other weekend. Either they will go away for the weekend or I will. So we are not staying together & kids can still be at home.

7/13/2014 first time we have talked about anything in a month or so, I told him I understood he was on his own journey & that I was letting him go.

I know from the bank account that he is out partying. Big partying.
He's running around like he's 21 years old, hanging out & partying with lots of people.

I have not updated my previous post since our talk on 7/13. He told me I could fix all of this if I wanted to. Not sure what he means, but I did tell him I wasn't going to beg. He asked why some family members that he has talked to told him I did not want a divorce - I told him that it was not my preference for my children. Im not going to beg him to stay. But the only thing I can control is me & I have been working with IC on finding myself again. He says that he has noticed some of my 180's.

In the meantime I have seen several pictures of him with about 3-4 different women/girls.
We happen to have mutual friends or mutual friends of a friend. Not very many people know about our stitch so people are like "what the heck is going on?" Why are there fb pics of Sams H hanging out & partying with all these girls.
And we had no "rules" so to speak during our separation.
Because he BD said he was doing his own thing & could not say he could be committed to relationship.

This past Thursday afternoon he called angry b/c his cousin (who is like a brother) his wife has heard from people about what's going on. They live in same town where H works all week. Apparently he has been seen out with OW.
He wants to know if I've talked to her. No. I can't control what other people do & Im not interested in arguing with him about it. (This is huge 180 for me)
We end up chatting a few minutes about kids day at camp & some house issues. He tells me again that I could fix this, I did say I felt things were more complicated now b/c of OW. But I know that is a symptom & not our initial problem. He said he could change that anytime he wanted to. He tells me that it has actually been nice talking to me.

In my journey on this I have recognized our issues & my contribution to the breakdown of the marriage. But am questioning if I want a H like who my H is right now. He left me with a 5 yr old, 4 yr old & 11 week old baby with medical issues & major health problems.

I question his character. And how disrespectful to my children & me he has been.
I was mentally preparing to file for D - after school starts for kids b/c I am beginning to question what Im standing for.

Last night he calls for kids, after he is done talking to the oldest he asks to talk to me. He asks about baby. Then he says how are you doing? He never asks me anything about me. We dont talk about ourselves or what we are doing. He says he has been thinking about us & wanted to see if I would like to go away with him for a couple of days. Then pick the kids up and spend time together as a family.
I didnt know how to respond so I just said "let me think about it."
I would like to spend some time with him without 3 little kids. This is a big issue in our M, I was too focused on our kids. I would like to hear what he has to say.

I don't want to scare the squirrel away so to speak. But I'm not interested in going away with him to spend time together & possibly start working on things if he's still in contact with OW. Do I ask about status of OW? Since he bought prepaid cell - that he doesn't know that I know about. He could just lie.

Advice on how to respond????


H:40
Me:35
D5
S4
S3 months
Married 8 years Together 17 years
BD: 5/23/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
S
Sam3 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
And now when he called tonight to ask about baby, he didnt mention anything about us going away or talking, or taking kids anywhere. My kids only have 2 weeks left of summer break. Do I bring it up to him?


H:40
Me:35
D5
S4
S3 months
Married 8 years Together 17 years
BD: 5/23/2014
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
Frankly, and I'm no vet here so take what I say with some salt, but a weekend away is too much too fast, IMO. I'm sure you desperately need some time away but I'd keep doing what you're doing, don't rush into this time away while the kids are still on break, THINK ABOUT YOU. If he mentions it again , suggest perhaps dinner where you two can chat, laugh, etc., but NOT about the kids or OW. make it light and YOU take the power to end the evening with him wanting more. Then think. Think, think, think... Is this the man you want? Are you the woman you want to be? Take it slowly. Very slowly. A date. Maybe a play date with him at the park with the kids and you... A weekend away? Too much too soon and that could backfire.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
S
Sam3 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
Thank You ss06. I appreciate your feedback. I think you are right. Too much, too soon. We did speak on the phone last night- I asked if he had a plan for something with just us or our family. He said not yet, he was just thinking about it.

We just see each other so little. He is staying 3 hours away. Only comes to see kids every other weekend. Either they leave the house or I leave the house on his weekends.

I said okay, no problem. Just figuring out summer camps for the next couple weeks. Trying not to pressure any talks.

He said he feels he owes it to the marriage to talk about things. He said he is scared that things would be how they were before. I agreed that I did not want that either. He said he would not be asking for anything from me that he didnt have at some other point in the marriage. He did say I feel like you are going to ask for things from me, that you haven't had before.
Maybe I am, because this experience has changed me & I don't want what we had before either.

I did mention something about the past 3 months & he said he did not want to talk about that. He wants to talk about what led us there.

I agreed & tried to stfu about that for now. But how am I supposed to just erase everything he's done in 3 months that have further damaged the marriage? I know they are symptoms. But how do you rebuild trust? This feels like rug sweeping which Im very good at & responsible for getting us into this separation in the first place. I rug swept issues that were major for me. I became resentful & acted it out.


H:40
Me:35
D5
S4
S3 months
Married 8 years Together 17 years
BD: 5/23/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
S
Sam3 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
Another Note from last nights conversation is that I did get the opportunity to tell him that as long as he is "hanging out" (as he likes to call it) with other women that there is really nothing for us to talk about. He agreed with that. He said that wasn't a problem for him to change that.


H:40
Me:35
D5
S4
S3 months
Married 8 years Together 17 years
BD: 5/23/2014
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Sam3
Another Note from last nights conversation is that I did get the opportunity to tell him that as long as he is "hanging out" (as he likes to call it) with other women that there is really nothing for us to talk about. He agreed with that. He said that wasn't a problem for him to change that.


Good for you in standing up for yourself, Sam! Reading the above, and your initial post, I really like your style and respect your firm stance.

I'd encourage you to look up a poster named Train's sitch on the Infidelity forum (or is it here in Newcomers?). She really threaded the needle between "loving/forgiving" and "not gonna live in an open marriage" about as well as anyone I've seen here recently, and I think she could give you some strong support and advice.

You've already mentioned at least three times when your husband has said "that can change anytime you want it to." What does he mean by that???


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,433
I, too, am very impressed with your stance, Sam. Seems you're in a very good place, especially considering the crappy circumstances. I, too, was unsure about where I wanted to "be" with my wayward H. He had as much to prove to ME as I had to prove to HIM, if that makes sense.

One thing I found valuable from re-reading DR is a part where MWD writes that sometimes time is better spent figuring out "where to go from here" instead of "where did we go wrong?"

Have to admit: a little birdie told me to stop by so I've read this thread only. Will hop back to the other ASAP and get caught up.

Meanwhile, I think you're handling things fabulously.

Keep it up!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
First let me say I have NOT read your whole thread. So what I say is based only on what I'm reacting to, here.

Also if it seems like a 2 x 4 is coming your way, I don't mean it to. I'm in a rush and so bear with me, I'm very direct but am probably more so tonight. I hope I don't offend. But a few things caught my eye and I lack time, so---here we go.

Oh, put a helmet on - in case you feel like these are 2 x 4's.



Originally Posted By: Sam3
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...498#Post2460498

This is the link to my previous thread. I started a new thread because I my stitch has changed so much from when I came to the board & I felt my topic was too vague.

A recap of my previous post- If you want more details of my stitch, I have several posts with very detailed info.

We have three children 5 & under. My baby was 11 weeks old when this started.
H has worked 3 hours away Mon-Fri for the past 2 years


Having been in this^^ type of situation, I can tell you up front it's BAD NEWS for a marriage, long term. It cannot go on indefinitely.

It's a recipe for marital failure, even if you know "some" couples who can do it. It's much harder, so why do that to a marriage and kids?


5/10/2014 my H tells me he's not happy, he's confused.

Did you explore what that^ meant to him? If so, what did you learn?
What would YOU SAY were the problems in the marriage BEFORE he said this?

And now, is there anything else or new to add?

5/25/2014 ILYBNILWY says he's going to go do his own thing for a while. If in here when he figured it out, if Im not - then Im not.
5/26/2014 I find out through snooping there is OW
6/2/2014 H goes on fishing trip with buddies - find out later OW stayed in his hotel room

Around this time I go dark. Only communicating about kids or house issues.

6/15/2014 I confront him about OW he says they are friends & "hanging out"
Because I saw the text msg between them. I told him this was disrespectful to be doing in our home or while he is out with our children. I asked/told him my boundary is no communication with OW while in my home or spending the very little time he has with our children. If it continues I told him we would sign a parenting plan & work out a schedule for the kids.

6/20/2014 we go to MC together for the one & only time he tells me OW slept in his bed but they only kissed. He tells me he took care of the situation with OW


Did you ask him what he meant by that?

6/23/2014 I find out he bought a prepaid cell phone

6/25/2014 I told him I knew he lied to me about contacting OW so we signed a calendar & agreed he will see kids every other weekend. Either they will go away for the weekend or I will. So we are not staying together & kids can still be at home.

and you did this to achieve what? I mean, what was YOUR GOAL? Dig deep.

7/13/2014 first time we have talked about anything in a month or so, I told him I understood he was on his own journey & that I was letting him go.


What did you mean by that? What do you think HE thought you meant?


I know from the bank account that he is out partying. Big partying.
He's running around like he's 21 years old, hanging out & partying with lots of people.

Are you doing anything to protect yourself or your kids, financially? Have you seen a L? You know you can and NOT do anything with the information? It is empowering to know your rights. You need "do" nothing with that info, not even tell him.



I have not updated my previous post since our talk on 7/13. He told me I could fix all of this if I wanted to. Not sure what he means,

WELL THAT ^^ IS DAMN IMPORTANT TO FIGURE OUT. It's key.

I'd have pursued that topic like a dog with a bone. You need to know what he means. What is it he wants from you -- b/c it sure sounds as if he thinks you know.

Do you? Do not gloss over this. It's called a CLUE and he has some unmet needs he is telling you about.

It's crucial you know it and analyze it and work on it! He's giving you valuable "intel" so if you were a spy on a "recon mission" -- this would be the secret you need to know.
And work on...



but I did tell him I wasn't going to beg.

Wow, that is a knee-jerk prideful response. Why did you think he wanted you to "beg"?

What is going on that you are not telling us? What was your family life like growing up? Do you have divorce or adultery in your background?

Why didn't you simply open up your heart to him, to find out what HE is missing in the m, and to own your role in this - and to figure out if there is any room for mutual work to do, to restore your m?

What would you have "Risked" by asking that??


He asked why some family members that he has talked to told him I did not want a divorce -

b/c he's HOPING you don't! Can you give him a crumb?

Or are you so mad and certain that this is a deal breaker?

If it is, then let him go NOW and drop all this. Seriously, the worst choice YOU can make is to stay married AND stay miserable.

Don't stay to punish him b/c your children and you will pay the price...


I told him that it was not my preference for my children.


Do you think that sounds like a woman who wants to own her role in this, and to fight for her man and her marriage? (I don't.)

Do you sense some "deeply felt regret" and a "passionate desire" for things to work out?
No, I don't either. I think It's about as robotic as an answer can be.

Why did you choose that tone? Was it to punish him? To "teach him a lesson" (same thing)? What is going on in your head/heart? I sense too much pride and self righteousness for him to get past.
The thing is, if an adulterer fears that this will be thrown in their face every time you two fight or held over his head like the sword of Damacles, why should he work to "earn your trust" back when in reality, you won't give it to him anyhow?

Why climb Mt Everest if you're going to withhold affection and real commitment from him anyhow?

I HAVE seen couples recover from affairs and I mean really recover. It IS possible but it takes a humble heart on BOTH parties, not just the wayward spouse.



Im not going to beg him to stay.



NO offense, but yeah I think we all get that.



But the only thing I can control is me & I have been working with IC on finding myself again. He says that he has noticed some of my 180's.

Such as? What does "Finding myself" mean? Have you some flaws you are working to ameliorate and or some anger you need to release?

I sense a LOT of resentment. What can you do to release that anger and resentment and to work on forgiveness?

Do you believe forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, or some "get out of jail free" card for him? Do you see the value to YOU, of letting go?

What do you think it means in marriage vows when it says to go "from this day forward"? Do you think it MIGHT mean to let go of the past?


In the meantime I have seen several pictures of him with about 3-4 different women/girls.


Sounds as if there is no specific "special" Ow then, correct? Just the free single life HE can argue you released him to do, since you "let him go", correct?

We happen to have mutual friends or mutual friends of a friend. Not very many people know about our stitch so people are like "what the heck is going on?" Why are there fb pics of Sams H hanging out & partying with all these girls.
And we had no "rules" so to speak during our separation.


Because he BD said he was doing his own thing & could not say he could be committed to relationship.

Understood. To me that means you can't really hold him accountable for it - but then, HE has to deal with the fallout of others seeing him in that position, and maybe he can use more discretion in who puts pictures of him and where. For HIS sake, and the kids, and yours. And of course for the chance of a recon, it'd be a lot easier if you did not have to see that.


This past Thursday afternoon he called angry b/c his cousin (who is like a brother) his wife has heard from people about what's going on. They live in same town where H works all week. Apparently he has been seen out with OW.
He wants to know if I've talked to her. No. I can't control what other people do & Im not interested in arguing with him about it. (This is huge 180 for me)


Then well done. As long as YOU stay calm about it and BRIEF (don't rant, and your words will have MORE Power by being brief).

Just say something along the lines of

"H, I don't control others. It hurts me more than you seem to realize & I think it's pretty inappropriate for you to be angry at ME for others seeing you with OW and commenting about it. Let's not make it worse than it already is, ok?" >

And then you change topics or get off the phone.


Do NOT harp about it.

This will elevate you in his eyes, and if anything can generate remorse in him, it'll be that type of approach.

No judgement but a little bit righteous "Hey. I"m the harmed party here, I'm hurt, but NOT fuming or ranting, so don't you rant at ME"...

get it? Oh, and no more 'I won't beg" from you. He knows that and it's odd to say it anyhow. No one asked you to beg.


We end up chatting a few minutes about kids day at camp & some house issues. He tells me again that I could fix this,

AND THAT MEANS WHAT?? Dig and tell us what he's talking about. Don't you want to know? he is telling you what love language of his was not filled, what need was unmet. Sure he used a lousy way of showing that but you must own some of this b/c guess what/

No WAS comes back to a marriage they left......unless...

they believe that the marriage --- can be better/different than before.

What are YOU doing to show him that?




I did say I felt things were more complicated now b/c of OW. But I know that is a symptom & not our initial problem. He said he could change that anytime he wanted to. He tells me that it has actually been nice talking to me.


So what are you working on?


In my journey on this I have recognized our issues & my contribution to the breakdown of the marriage. But am questioning if I want a H like who my H is right now. He left me with a 5 yr old, 4 yr old & 11 week old baby with medical issues & major health problems.

IF you'll never forgive him then leave him now and end it all.
But don't pretend he's not possibly sending out an SOS to the universe. I think he is. He's NOT saying "I LOVE OW", he's saying he wants YOU but you need to fix something you are not mentioning. Has he been in a sex starved marriage or what?

He says you can fix this anytime. What does he mean? Is there a prideful Mexican stand off going on between you two? Who is more stubborn, you or him?

Why do I think pride is the big factor here?
\\


I question his character. And how disrespectful to my children & me he has been.
I was mentally preparing to file for D - after school starts for kids b/c I am beginning to question what Im standing for.


I think pride is factoring so much here that it'll be hard to get to the truth and heart of the matter with it in the way. Put the wounded ego away and think about what is best for your kids without making your pain and anger into "righteous causes, b/c I have been there and done that and it helps no one. So don't bother with the "my kids must see FAIRNESS" b/c that means "I want to punish my h and claim to be RIGHT while I break up my family or refuse to put my pride aside.

There is an important line between healthy self respect and a wounded ego. But sometimes it is hard to see where that line is.


Last night he calls for kids, after he is done talking to the oldest he asks to talk to me. He asks about baby. Then he says how are you doing? He never asks me anything about me. We dont talk about ourselves or what we are doing.

then this ^^ was new and positive.


He says he has been thinking about us & wanted to see if I would like to go away with him for a couple of days. Then pick the kids up and spend time together as a family.

HUGE POSITIVE!!


I didnt know how to respond so I just said "let me think about it."

I GUESS you were surprised so I hope you called him back and accepted....yes?

\
I would like to spend some time with him without 3 little kids. This is a big issue in our M, I was too focused on our kids.



\
every couple needs couple time. Great chance for you to show him how you feel about him as a man.


I would like to hear what he has to say.


how about you would like to show him how you feel about him??


I don't want to scare the squirrel away so to speak. But I'm not interested in going away with him to spend time together & possibly start working on things if he's still in contact with OW. Do I ask about status of OW? Since he bought prepaid cell - that he doesn't know that I know about. He could just lie.

Advice on how to respond????




BE the better choice. BE a woman only a fool would leave.

Leave the rest in God's hands. He's reaching out to you, don't bite his hand.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
PS

what does he mean by saying YOU can fix this anytime?

It's a big deal for you to gloss over. It's KEY to restoring your marriage or making it a better one. Without fixing this, whatever it is, you have very little hope,

so what is it? Can you share that with us?


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
S
Sam3 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 54
Starsky & Train - thank you so much for stopping by my thread. I appreciate it greatly. I am following along some other threads in Infidelity section that are active. I am taking notes & using your suggestions in my own stitch.
I am going to go back and reread Trains posts tonight on how to do loving/forgiving.

25yrs - I appreciate you stopping by also. I am okay with the 2x4's.
Thank you for the time you spent in asking questions. I am posting from my phone, so I will respond to everything asap.

Thank you all so much! You are all vets around here and I trust you will point me in the right direction!


H:40
Me:35
D5
S4
S3 months
Married 8 years Together 17 years
BD: 5/23/2014
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard