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Originally Posted By: EmmaB
I just registered here. I read your thread and found links to older threads. There are so many posts now I'm confused about your status.

Who called off the divorce? Why? Are you guys back together? But why did she move out of the bedroom?


It was a mutual call off. We were supposed to draw up a settlement agreement which turned into a post Nuptial.
Some how the lawyers and collaborative divorce coach decided that they had to get involved in stopping the divorce.

It seems no one trusted the OM her lawyer and the financial neutral felt he has ulterior motives.
The divorce coach a forensic psychologist said we need to try and work things out.

I guess that's why there is a divorce coach in a collaborative divorce.

She moved out of the bedroom as I stated because she was not going to share the bed with anyone. Also, I was going to ask her to move into the extra bedroom. Why should I allow her in my bed until he is completely out of the picture.

Status as Wonka said it's like I am the gAy roommate.

She tells me she loves me I have not said I love you to her except in response.

.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Oxford1
When OM leaves for his country we will pick up where we left off.

Don't you think she already knows this?

She has no fear of losing you.


I am coming to this realization. Not only that she is afraid to really loose me.

I did say to her after she asked...if you choose him, I am out of your life I will never talk to you or spend a second of time with you the rest of my life.

Her response.." Oh that's just selfish, what about the boys, what affect will that have on S21 and S16?


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Do you think she is done with the marriage? Is she just living with her son until her goes to college?

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Originally Posted By: EmmaB
Do you think she is done with the marriage? Is she just living with her son until her goes to college?


I think SHE WAS done with the marriage. I think before she met OM she was starting to check out ( as was I , I almost left once).

However, when she moved back home at the end of April I was really good on Sandi's rules for about two weeks.

She started crying one day, not crocodile tears real sons like when her mom and my dad died.

She hugged me and said what's with you, what have you done your making me conflicted...I need help

And she started therapy.

Then she asked the therapist ( who is pro marriage) to see me as well.

THEN SHE CANCELLED THE DIVORCE WITH ME AND MOVED INTO MY BED.( oooops sorry about the caps)


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
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Originally Posted By: gabbysmom23
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Oxford1
When OM leaves for his country we will pick up where we left off.

Don't you think she already knows this?

She has no fear of losing you.


I do not get this ox. Cadet is right .

You are saying to her, when OM is in town he is your boyfriend and when he leaves I am your husband .

Wow, she has it made


So here is a question.

I originally was going to be home tonight but an appointment for tomorrow got cancelled so instead of being out wed night on the road I will be out today as well. I moved some appointments around.

When the WW left this morning she knew I would be home. Since she has been busy all day with patients she is going to dinner with OM tonight . She is expected home between 8 and nine.

I did not tell her I was gone tonight. We did email about the chance that flights to his country are being delayed.

One person suggested I leave her a letter that she finds when she gets home. She will realize I took care of s16( he loves when no ones home) and she if late will feel the pressure...that she has put on herself to be home for S16 even though he wants no one home.

The other option is to not tell her anything.

Any feedback is appreciated.

Thanks


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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I think that you are still too focused on her. Do what's best for you and plan according to that. This way, your schedule will seem real (and be real) and not manipulated for her benefit. She will feel the difference, IMO.

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Originally Posted By: Oxford1
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Oxford1
When OM leaves for his country we will pick up where we left off.

Don't you think she already knows this?

She has no fear of losing you.


I am coming to this realization. Not only that she is afraid to really loose me.

I did say to her after she asked...if you choose him, I am out of your life I will never talk to you or spend a second of time with you the rest of my life.




Those may have been your words, Ox, but your actions have stated otherwise to her, I can assure you.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Originally Posted By: unbidden
I think that you are still too focused on her. Do what's best for you and plan according to that. This way, your schedule will seem real (and be real) and not manipulated for her benefit. She will feel the difference, IMO.


Ok good point.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
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"And she started therapy.

Then she asked the therapist ( who is pro marriage) to see me as well.

THEN SHE CANCELLED THE DIVORCE WITH ME AND MOVED INTO MY BED.( oooops sorry about the caps)"
But then she went away with him and now she is out of your bed again and going on dates with him. I just think she has softened you up so you accept the affair and she still plans to leave when your son is gone. Can you live like this until he leaves home and then she leaves?

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Ox, I recommend you stop all mention of OM. Don't think about him. Don't talk about him. If she brings him up, put your hand up and say you don't really care to hear about him. If she continues walk out of the room.

I say this because you keep harping on about OM. Forget him. He's a controlling a-hole and your W even admits that. Just let it be. The A, even if it's now only an EA, will die a natural death. Stop poking it. Just let it die on its own.

So by not concerning yourself with OM anymore you are going to free up a whole whack of thinking time. Use that time to work on yourself.

And while you're at it, don't concern yourself where your W is. She's a free person and an adult and can make her own choices.

This will free up even more brain time for you.

All of us in these sitches need to learn to detach. That means working on yourself and GAL. Stop worrying about what she's doing and who she's with. You have no control over her.

I know I have no control over my W. The only thing I can control is me and even that's a major challenge. So I control my thinking. I control my words when communicating. I try to control my feelings. And when my W comes to me to talk I listen intently, trying to understand what she's saying, and trying my darnedest not to react with anything but appropriate validation and/or empathy. If she's pushing my buttons I'll put my hands in a T shape and ask for a time out. Then I'll go outside and take a few breaths and once I've collected myself return to the conversation.

Your W expects certain reactions from you when she says things - those are the reactions you are in the habit of making. Do a 180. React totally differently when she says things. This will take some trial and error, but it's needed in your sitch.

Your MC says you need to become the husband your wife wants. I disagree. You need to become the man that any wife would want. Then if your W doesn't want you, it's her loss. (paraphrased from Sandi's rules: become the H only a fool would leave)


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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