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#2470617 07/19/14 05:21 PM
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Anders Offline OP
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Link to my previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2470295&page=1

W has been in contact a bit more this past week making a good point to start a subtle shift in my approach and time for a new thread.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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With a new thread and upcoming birthday, it is time for a new name. Retiring my DB2013 username and now using Anders (Strong: what I am working on with my journey).

Good to have a less ambiguous sounding handle.

Busy last few days but I will post more soon.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Posts: 180
Journal: One thing I wished I had done right from the start of this process was to keep a calendar of W and I's interactions to gauge our progress.

I have been more diligent with this in the past four months. And in the last couple of weeks, it has been interesting to see W initiating contact a lot more frequently albeit around 'logistical' issues such as bills and mail. Still not in regular contact but relatively speaking, a lot more within the context of our situation.

So I took a chance to test how warm the water is and sent W a non-'logistics' text (yes-I signed up for that program to add to my DB toolbox) about an indie movie coming to town which she would have got a kick out of. She sent back a laughing emoticon and mentioned she had heard of it.

Baby steps.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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Posts: 2,708
Glad it worked. Stay patient. I myself am trying to let me STBX control the warmth and subject matter of communications.

Look- if every time she shows warmth you rush in and try to take every inch, and maybe crowd in a little closer...then she will be on the defense, backing away, and hesitant to show warmth thinking it may lead to further advances she's not ready for.

My interpretation of DB approach is to respond at about 80-90% of my Stbx's level of warmth. And let her continue to lead. It has worked for me.
For example, we had a warm exchange two Sundays ago. A couple actually. I felt it was a 'ment of weakness' for her, she was showing feelings she wasn't ready to show. So I down played it, acted casual. Then she didn't contact me much for two weeks, and when she did it was all business. I let it be, and responded equally business like (with goodwill but not emotional). This last weekend she started warming up again, I responded warmly as well but nothing more than how I'd treat a neighbor. When I saw her to swap kids we had a warm exchange, but again, I down played it and was the first to head out. I'm trying to send the message that I'm warm but not pushing.

With that in mind, keep up the great work. And pay attention to what you've been doing to get those types if good vibes...then keep doing it!!! Wishing you more good things!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Thanks Zues. I have to say very impressive how folks with kids like yourself are handling your situations.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Posts: 180
MIL sent me a note to say she was thinking of me on my birthday. I replied back with gratitude but got caught up with emotion and also told her that I missed them.

Then saw an email W sent very early this morning. She had been waiting on news about a new job in another city and it came through. She then signed off 'I hope you had a happy birthday'.

This is a small step forward from last year when she didn't say anything at all but I'm also trying very hard not to read too much into this.

I congratulated her on her new job, thanked her for the birthday wish and wished her a good week.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
Journal:
There are pros and cons to the long distance and limited contact with my feelings and perspectives about Mrs. Anders shifting, wondering where W and I's R is. Trying to focus on my own growth and healing but there are those moments.

A question that has me reflecting on who I am in love with. I have focused on Mrs. Anders’ negatives a lot. There is of course more to her than that.

The first thing that struck me about her is her very gregarious personality and high energy. Not one to be shy about striking up conversations with strangers leaving a lasting and positive impression. She is incredibly sexy and I often told her this but she would always downplay this. Very easy on the eyes with a great smile and laugh.

We met while both interns at the same firm, casual chit chats leading to flirty emails to eventually our first date. Unfortunately, she returned to school soon after across the country marking the first of our many long distance stints since then.

We spent a lot of time talking on the phone which was fantastic in allowing us to get to know each other. The more we talked, the more I found out about her passion for life, her love for her family and the values we shared. We really clicked from the get go. There was a very strong bond between us.
She is very loving, and tender hearted. She loves her family very much but there has always been a tension there. She often told me that she felt like she had to prove herself, especially to her dad though she really looks up to him. He has had a very successful career, with the family well known and respected in the city. She worked hard to prove to others that she could make it on her own without relying on his accomplishments and one of the reasons she doesn't want to make this place home for the long term.

She does have an immense fear of what her parents would think of her decisions. She would often wait until almost the last minute to let her parents know she would be travelling, afraid that they would be critical of her. She felt they wanted her to give up the romantic notion of traveling the world and settle into a career and eventually a family.

She was also disappointed that her father was never home as he traveled a lot and was not really there for her and her brother growing up. Though her dad loves her, I don’t think she has heard him say that he is proud of her.

We both love to travel and this was one of the things we connected on right away alongside dancing. Our mutual interest in travel was great but what drew me more to her was her sense of excitement about life and openness to new cultures and experiences. That she was willing to learn about my home and culture meant a lot to me. The first five years of our relationship was filled with a lot of excitement travelling both for work and for fun, with passion filling all of the rest stops in between.

She is incredibly driven and very independent. With our careers, work and travel begun to take up more of our energy and in hindsight, clear where some of our emotional disconnect begun to happen. The sad irony is that we were seen as having made it professionally and relationship wise amongst friends and family.

It can be very telling who you surround yourself with and without a doubt her and now, our friends are really great people. Our friends have since cross pollinated so this separation and news about W's determination to proceed with divorce has been very unsettling. With the exception of a couple of her close friends, she has largely stayed away from communicating with anyone here.

July has been a much harder month than I anticipated. So many unshared celebrations and milestones on both sides. I am choosing to believe there is a purpose in all of this.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Posts: 180
A busy month. I rented out part of the house to a couple similar in age who are visiting town for a couple of weeks. Good to have activity and life in the place making it nice to come home. So much so that I have already booked another tenant for the whole of August.

Word is getting round quickly about our situation it seems. More people reaching out. A little awkward in the professional circles as W and I worked in the same industry with the same networks. People booking coffees to catch up. Still hits me every time someone says 'sorry to hear about ...'.

At the same time I have been putting legs on a side venture which has been keeping me occupied though sleep has been a premium.

Lots of social visits as well with summer in full swing. I didn't realize just how many babies and dogs our circle of friends have all brought into their lives in the past year. It has been great spending time with them: Backyard BBQs, patio beers and birthday parties.

I have neglected my runs this past week. Hoping to settle back into a more balanced routine once my current projects wind down next week. Gearing up for some work travel in the Fall and a potential side consulting gig in Australia which looks more and more appealing. If it works out, I am thinking of adding on a couple of weeks to travel round.

Beautiful sunsets here which I have been enjoying as much as I can. Going through this during the winter was hard enough. A little sunshine and warmth makes it just a little more bearable.

Detaching is still tough. There are moments when I think I have finally got the hang of it but it is an ongoing challenge for me.

Continuing to plow through my reading list of books, soaking it all in. Working through 'A course in miracles' right now as well as re-reading 'Divorce Remedy'. I recently finished Laura Munson's "This is not the story you think it is" and going back to re-read her story about her WAH. A great lesson in patience and inner strength right there.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Posts: 180
After an increase in W's communication via email a couple of weeks ago, she has gone dark for the last week and a half. I know this is not uncommon in WAW situations. Still, it is difficult trying not to read her mind about what she is thinking and doing.

Some days I fantasize that she is in a tough spot, re-considering her decision, and is just too afraid to let me know.

Her last email was all business but ending with asking how my last few weeks of work are going, as I make the transition to a boutique firm. I let her know I was going to miss my colleagues here but was excited about the new adventure. I may have come across overly excited. Then, no response since.


M:36 W:34
T:9,M:4
Me,WAH:7/2011
My apology:12/2012
Her,WAW:01/2013
ILYBINILWY:4/2013
W's EA:5/2013
Sep:9/2013
2nd EA signs:03/2014
Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
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Anders Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2013
Posts: 180
From Coach's signature: Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.

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