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#2470534 07/19/14 06:51 AM
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pilot Offline OP
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Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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25,

You said this in a prior post to me.

Quote:
Is it now ALL about the EA/PA she had or might have had? (I love that you have no proof an OM still exists at all, but are planning on conditions that need to be met by her, while not discussing any of this....more of the same old poor communications).


I think you may have my situation confused. There is proof OM exists. I even caught them together in a parking lot. She would go to his house after she got off work around 10PM and stay there till after midnight. This went on for a couple of months that I was aware of. The EA was there. The PA I have no proof of, and have always referred to it as unconfirmed. Her position is nothing physical ever happened. Maybe maybe not. The circumstantial evidence points to a PA, but at this point, short of her acknowledging one, I will never have any evidence of a PA during the previous months.

Anyways, I am re reading all of your replies and finding new nuggets of knowledge and insight I missed the first time around. Just clarifying above...

Thanks again for everything...and for your patience with my stubborn self.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Nov 2011
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Pilot, I'm going to jump back in here for a minute. Drop the defensiveness, go back and read your replies to me, to 25, and see how many times you say but.

"You're right, I was <whatever> but..." and then you give a defense for why you did whatever. If you do that here, it's a pretty sure bet that you do it IRL interactions when people don't see things your way.

I think 25 has brought up things that I had, and you defended or brushed those off. If a few people who have been around these boards for awhile are seeing the same things, take note. Stop trying to be right and listen.

This involves (sorry if I'm repeating myself) a lot of work on you and what's inside. Unless and until you're ready to do that, it's all wasted digital space. (can't use the term ink in this venue)

Take it away, 25...


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Oh and I see sandi and wonka visited-dude, wake up!


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Posts: 930
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I am working on it labug. Takes a while to get through my thick skull sometimes. Thanks for your patience and understanding, and more importantly, your time. smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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pilot Offline OP
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Oh, and my W did send me a text last night saying she had cc bills due. My 180 on this was to say she could use my bank account attached to her online billing to pay it. No fuss, no drama. See labug...I do listen to you...sometimes smile


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 930
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From sandi on my last thread. A good read for everyone.

Quote:


First, let me try to explain what is called sandi's rules. BTW, that was a title that came from newcomers forwarding to one another my list of things to do and not doSome refer to the list as 180's and some say LRT. It was meant to be guidelines for those who were dealing with a WAS when they had no clue as what to do. I did not make extended explanations for each one b/c it would have been a book. But I've been surprised at times when I would read someone refer to something as per sandi's rules that was nowhere included in the list. But I allow that everyone can misinterpret, and newcomers do a ton of reading and under a lot of stress.

Secondly, there are many things that could have been included in that list. Those 37 things were just the ones that came off the top of my head when I was posting to a LBS one time (and then started using the same list to give others). Some of them may be indeed be a 180 for one person, but not necessarily every person. It may seem like actions of the LRT to some, but I have learned everyone does not understand the LRT. Every stitch has to be considered and 1&0's tailored to fit. But if it doesn't work after applying it for a considerable time, Michele says to change and do something that gets better results.

I think there should be a list or guidelines for those who are trying to reconcile and those in piecing. But in most cases, you have to adjust it to apply to the individualized stitch. Every stitch goes at a different pace. And understand this point, what you were doing as the LRT has to shift or readjust when you start entering the period of reconciling. That is where some who are so rigid with "rules" don't grasp. It is a difficult, confusing, trying, and sensitive time.

So, take the above as a disclaimer, or whatever. I don't back away from anything on the list, and I do think it works if applied correctly. But sometimes people say it says things that it doesn't. And this is directed at one individual, but anyone who may read this post.

This is a long post, so I will start another one to address your stitch, Pilot.


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2007
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So I wrote a very loooong post after that one, and somehow lost it before I could submit it. I don't think I can muster the energy to redo it. But I will try to take the most important part. I think you may have misunderstood a few things in DBing, which many do. You are under lots of stress and taking in a lot of information.

You have to realize that there are some things you do or don't do following the bomb. You stop pursuing, pleading, pressuring, etc. You stop with the R talks. But when you have detached from the WAW (and in your case, seperated) and then later there is an apparent shift in things that cause you to think there could be a reconciliation........then of course you need to discuss things such as if OM is still in the picture! You can't start to reconcile without discussing these important issues.

Frankly, I think you handled the dinner with your W.....and the "after dinner" thing almost perfectly. I loved how you didn't cave to the chance for a kiss and chose to quickly do something else. We could speculate why she was so friendly and cozy, if it was temp checking or to see if she could have you eating out of her sexy little hand, or if she was seeing if she could feel sparks. It is common to read about WAW's doing it. Many LBH'S think his W is reaching out or it's a signal that she wants more. They act on it too soon. But it's more important to just not make more of it than it was. I believe not putting any moves on her was exactly the way to go that night.

It would have been okay to return a compliment, when she was so freely giving them to you. As long as it did not hint toward a sexual content, and would be something you would tell most any lady. Just don't over-kill or do it trying to score brownie points.

I think you were attractive to her, acting all confident and smooth. Smiling at times and not responding with an answer. I look for her to pursue a little more when you go see her.

When it's time to go visit her and check out the schools, get a hotel room. Make reservations now, so you can tell her you already have a room......if she should invite you to stay with her. Do not even act as if you assumed you'd stay with her! Don't make this more than what it is. Take it slow and stay steady. You are there to check out the schools.

If and when the day comes, and she is steering the conversation about making a decision of her moving there and living with you.....then be upfront and tell her very calmly thar you won't do anything until you know where you stand. Knowing if she still contacts OM is important to the decision of R. If she is still contacting him, then you pretty much have your answer.

Learn to stay in the middle of the road. Don't swerve either direction until you can see what's approaching.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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^^^ Good stuff Sandie

Rooting for you Pilot!



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Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful reply sandi. Sorry to hear you lost your long reply, but thank you for taking the time to rewrite one.

I think I got the initial part of what not to do once we separated. It is the part where she begins to move in my direction a little is where I get confused/frozen. For the sake of not doing something wrong, I usually do nothing at all. I am very grateful you came in to offer your opinion/viewpoint on what is going on. It is reassuring that you seem to agree that my evening went well. If I could do one thing over, it would probably be how I introduced a negative to chill things off. I think I could have found a better way to cool things without putting a negative into an otherwise good evening. Live and learn...

I will take your advice and get a hotel room. Even if she offered to let me stay with her, then the whole 'is it the bed or is it the couch' question pops up, and quite frankly, the couch would seem kinda awkward at her parents. So best to avoid that altogether. SInce I will be flying into her town in my plane, and being a small town with no car rental companies, I will be at her mercy of having to be driven everywhere.

We have not really spoken/text much since the day she left. I have not initiated anything other than asking to facetime with the kids. I do agree given the past times we have been together, she will probably be just as friendly as before. I will listen to advice from you, labug, 25, and others and take a little more risk by offering compliments, etc. I really hate the timing of the school issue being right now as it is a dark cloud hanging over us at the moment. Of course I will not bring up any R or M talk. But I believe it was 25 who pointed out that perhaps she is just as afraid of taking that first step towards even seeing of a R is possible. So without me taking that step, I probably need to at least do what I can to show the door is open. How? I do not have a clue just yet. Other than keep up the PMA, the 180s, and just being f'ing awesome around her smile

Any thoughts, input, advice, or criticism in the meantime is always welcome!!!

Thanks again to all who chime in!

Last edited by pilot; 07/20/14 09:09 PM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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