Hi, without mentioning names I tried this out on a young couple who are staying with me for a few days (late twenties, but with many friends in the 30+ group)
It's a growing trend apparently but as the woman said - who wants that as part of a courtship ritual - we are not baboons!'
They thought it was weird and they are younger than us
I guess if it was an impulsive sort of thing, maybe I could overlook it?? So to speak.
But, it's the whole pre-meditated aspect that gets me. THIS is what he does in his free time?
The very LAST thing I need right now is someone with sexual fetishes...especially around my daughters.
It was a fun flirtation. Too bad...I liked him in other ways. He was outdoorsy and liked to write. He was a big fan of Thoreau...that shoulda been my first clue. Thoreau was a bum. :-)
I don't regret it. I've never dated and this is how you learn. Just wish I had done this in college instead of my 40s.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Me: "Sending out resumes and cover letters and such."
She asked how the tech writing meeting went and I lied. I told her I went. I just didn't feel like getting into it with her. I put myself first. Didn't dwell on it.
She asked how my money was...Um, duh. not so great.
"Anything new with the divorce?"
Me: "Nope."
I don't know what she wants from me? She wants me to tell her it's all great? I just feel angry when she asks because I know it doesn't really matter if things are rotten or whatever.
Yesterday, I identified some anger with her.
I realized I'm angry because...with her addiction to her abusers...stepdad still comes first in her life. I could be bleeding out on the sidewalk and she would step over me to help him. The man who abused her relentlessly 24/7 for two decades and she will still trip over herself to answer his calls even if I'm in the midst of a conversation with her about my situation.
I've never come first with my mom. Ever. And, I'm angry about it.
I really have needed her in the past and she is good at "looking as if" she has my back...but, all those questions about my situation...underneath is this expectation that I handle it alone and I don't ask her for anything. If I do, I will get it back in spades and knives. Just handle it Heather.
AND, I'm tired of being her distraction from her own problems. My life is not open for analysis anymore. If I want to screw the Forester up and down public square...it's my damn business...not that I would do that..ewww.
But, this is MY LIFE. Don't act as if and then USE me behind my back. I'm tired of it.
I've done some spectacular stuff in the past three years and I've shown myself to be a good, decent, strong, person.
It really irks me that she can't embrace me because of her own sh!t.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Having to face MLC as a lbs has thought us to be firmer in what we will accept and not put up with. I know I am still a good, loveable person but a few people have realised that I AM NOT A SCAPEGOAT NOR WILL I FIX THEIR MESS. I use to have solution for everything and do everything in my power to solve conflict. I still do but not blindly. Anyone I feel is taking advantage will have to figure their sh*t out on their own.
Don' t stress yourself over her, at least you know where it is coming from. Live your life with the lesson you learnt from her choices.. communicating your feelings to her might clarify a few things but will it change any of it?? Sometimes, it does, sometimes it doesn' t.. Sometimes, it brings people closer and sometimes it makes things worst.. It depends on who and what it is about.
Had a conversation with my sister yesterday and it really sent me spinning.
She asked me how things were going and I started to tell her about shutting the school down and the "sexually confused" student that was the straw that broke...etc...And, how I'm looking hard for work.
Then, she says, "I was screwing around on the Internet and came across this job in XX (where I live). It's full time and yadda, yadda..."
Now, I live in Ohio and my sister lives in Texas. I KNOW this wasn't her just screwing around.
And, I KNOW she loves me and I get that she was trying to help...so...why did it make me so angry?
I felt angry that she asked about my life, but already knew all the gory details. I felt angry that I, AGAIN, felt like a VICTIM. <<<<<<OHHHHHHHH...Wait. I think that may be it.
When I talk to her, to my family, I feel like someone to be pitied...someone who is either a victim or someone who is being called out for bad decisions in the past.
It really bothered me and, then, I felt sorta guilty for being bothered because I know she was really trying to help...But, it set me off...
And, she asked about D20 and it occurred to me that she hasn't once...since she told D20 that she could come live in TX with my sister and BIL...no one ever talked to me about that. It kinda gets me. My mother and sister spoke to each other and, then, presented it to D20, but no one ever bothered to speak to me. Even now, no one ever brings it up...but my sister sent this huge present to D20 for her birthday. IDK.
I could use some feedback.
So, I've been working hard at managing my "overwhelming" emotions by separating myself into the Feeling Side of ME, the Behavior Side and the Rational/Grown Up Side. And, for the most part, it's really, really, really helping...
However, in the workbook I'm using, the author describes your old behaviors/habits at the nemesis to your adult self. She suggests imagining a girl of 8-12 and imagine who you were at that age. I was a kid who was very, very self-conscious and worried constantly about my insecurities with people...I felt that being popular was the ONE thing both my parents really wanted from me and that I was hopelessly lacking when it came to social skills. I was also a perfectionist who was hell bent on these myriad of ways I was going to CHANGE myself in order to become perfect. I would come up with list after list and...really, when I think about it...I would create these "regimens" where I would schedule my self-improvement and the goal would be to be super fit, super popular with super great grades...IE "PERFECT!" Very sad. I've come across some of these regimens and they are really very sad.
Anyway...this book goes onto suggest that your very small self isn't the part of you that feels angry.
I'm having a hard time with this...First off...I see my 8-12 year old self as very sad and I don't want to shut her out. She developed some creative ways to deal with the situation that was my life at the time. Perfectionistic/Narc/Emotionally Unavailable Father and emotionally limited mother.
And, I'm noticing this smaller me DOES get angry. She is getting angry a lot more lately and I think it's a good thing.
Thoughts?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Oh, and I also noticed that ALL of my INSECURITIES came bubbling to the surface when I talked to my sister. Despite feeling MORE powerful in my own skin lately...when, I talked to her...I felt like I almost immediately became this embarrassed, awkward, pitiful, RAW, Vulnerable, insecure, humiliated...FULL OF SHAME child who wasn't capable of making her life work. I felt like a LOSER.
That's how I FELT. I'm not saying she MADE me feel it...but, I think it's interesting how I quickly went there. That's how I feel with my family.
AND, one other thing...I know I'm nervous about D20 coming home. I initiated a conversation yesterday about some changes I needed her to make in order for ME to continue moving forward. She shut me down pretty quickly. She will be home tomorrow.
I've been thinking of ways to keep the positive spinning in my head...some Christian/Gospel music...meetings...church???
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
When I talk to her, to my family, I feel like someone to be pitied...someone who is either a victim or someone who is being called out for bad decisions in the past.
Whoa...I feel like a child who...in their opinion...is incapable of making good decisions...someone who is incapable of being a good parent and taking good care of her children.
AS OPPOSED TO SOMEONE...who has been dealt some really rough cards and made the best of it...someone who has fought hard for her kids and SOMEONE WHO DESERVES A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF RESPECT BECAUSE SHE HAS SURVIVED SOME REALLY BRUTAL CIRCUMSTANCES.
Instead, I feel like I'm treated a bit like a delinquent teen who needs a good scolding and must learn life's lessons.
I know it may come across as paranoia...but, what if this is how it really is? I'm the topic of conversation...but no one talks to me...they talk about me...
Could that be why it's so important to me to DO this WITHOUT THEIR HELP?
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
