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Meghan, he's with family, right? So he's probably GALing right now to. So if every time he pauses in an activity he sees a message from you, it's going to look like pursuit.

Frankly, I think his complaints about you distancing are manipulative. He seems, from your description, to have done precious little to nurture your affection. Give him space. Let him feel your absence. Make him chase you. If you spent all of the next two weeks enjoying your life, being mysterious, and then he comes home to see you glowing and happy, you will feel much better about yourself and he will probably see how little he does to contribute to that. What he does with that information is not predictable.

Quit worrying about him! If it doesn't require a response, don't respond! Don't initiate unless it's necessary. Remember, DBing is counterintuitive. So quit second-guessing your plan and go enjoy your weekend!!!

(So says the lady who went into a three-day tizzy over a single lunch. wink do as I say...)


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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BTW, I have done distancing for three months and I *believe* it got my H thinking about me but I KNOW it helped with my detachment, which is invaluable. So there's that.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Learning new things always feels awkward and abnormal, don't let that be your yardstick.

As all the "shoulds" fall away you can get more info from your intuitive self. Something that you've probably buried very deep.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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Thanks, Maybell - I needed to hear that, and you’re right about it looking like pursuing. I think I forgot that he’ll be out doing his own stuff (which is probably a good thing, since that means I wasn’t obsessing over where he is and who he’s with).

I appreciate your points about this being manipulative. I’ve been giving some thought to that myself. I don’t even think it’s intentional – it seems like he feels unhappy and is trying to justify some of his behaviours and regain some control by focusing on the things I haven’t done for him and all that he did for me. If nothing else, seeing things in this light helps to keep me a bit calmer when things aren’t going well.

When you said “based on your description” I got to wondering about whether I was misleading or embellishing. After all, this is all my perspective and it’s not like he’s done nothing for me – he’s done quite a bit of emotional caregiving and comforting and does do dishes and laundry and baking. I haven’t always been so good about doing the same emotional and physical caring for him. But at the same time, there’s a lot that’s been let slide around financial and household responsibility and contributions, and those are the things that I think are pretty factual and have been hardest for me to deal with.

Anyway, the plan for today is to get some work done this morning (without the input I would usually ask for from H., so a bit of a 180), have a nice lunch with my folks, and then head out for a bit of a walk on the waterfront this afternoon. I’d also like to sit down with my dad and talk a bit more about budgets and housing in particular – I’m not making any moves towards big changes right now, but I am giving lots of thought to what I’d like my life to look like, and I’m excited to see what’s possible because it gives me things to focus on and look forward to.

It's remarkable how easy it is to clearly see and advise what's going to be good for someone else and how hard it is to take your own advice. I'm getting a better sense of what I should be doing, but I still feel like I need the validation sometimes because it's so easy to second-guess. I like your point about detachment, though – I was thinking of staying out of contact in terms of whether it was good for the relationship, but shifting the focus to the ways that it’s good for me seems like a much better approach.


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BD - March, 2014
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labug - that's a really insightful point. I've become so focused on blaming myself and fixing things that I'm overthinking and unable to get any kind of sense of what to do or how to act because I focus so much on what I think I "should" do instead.

You've got me thinking now about whether I've just been pushing my intuition aside for goodness knows how long now. Clearly on some level I knew something was wrong or making me uncomfortable. I was pulling away pretty obviously and really, really anxious a lot of the time. But I didn't listen or really think too deeply about what was going on, which meant that I didn't step up and do much about it because I could excuse it or write it off.


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Journaling: Today was day two of no contact with H. It feels off – we both generally have IM active on our computers, and so we can see when the other is online. I’ve been getting out as much as possible and spending time with family but it’s odd to sit here working, knowing he’s likely right there, and not saying anything.

No contact has been challenging. I’m hoping it gets easier over time. Normally we talk quite a bit. Even these past few weeks when things weren’t so good at home we were both there and he was talking to me, and I was talking to him a bit too, but less than normal and largely when he engaged me. This is one reason why this time is likely to be important, though – we’re in each other’s business all the time, and hopefully this will give us the space to get away, clear our heads, and figure things out. He said he wanted space, so that’s what I’m going with.

I miss him, though. I miss sharing how my day was, listening to him talk about what he’s working on, and telling stupid jokes or sharing interesting articles. At the end of the day it feels like a huge piece of me is missing, and there are moments when I badly want to reach out just to see how he is, to let him know that I care about him and what he’s doing right now, and to assure myself that he’s not upset with me for not being in contact with him (which I know is pursuing, assuming, and clearly daft in many ways). To be clear, I haven’t contacted him, and I don’t plan to. I just need to get this out and acknowledge it.

I spent a bunch of time with my parents today, which was nice. We talked a bit about the situation, although there were no startling revelations or insights, just more confusion. I got out and went for a walk. I also did a bit of secondhand shopping, which I always find relaxing, and treated their car as my own personal soundstage with crazy loud music playing while I was driving. Tomorrow I’ll be spending the whole day with an old friend, and I’m really looking forward to it. He’s been really supportive and insightful, and I could use some hugs. I’m also hoping to see some more friends while I’m here, and I’ve been stretching a bit and sending emails to people who I haven’t been in contact with for awhile, which has felt both uncomfortable and good.


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Meghan - so sorry to hijack. But labug, I would really need some guidance from a vet at this point, if you have time to look at my thread. I've been getting great mutual support with other relative newcomers, which is wonderful, but I am at a point where strong guidance may be a good idea.

Thanks in advance.


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I had dinner with a close friend who’s known all about the situation for a awhile now and a friend of his who he thought might be good for some insights. I briefly talked about the situation, and the friend asked some questions. He was pretty flummoxed by the whole thing and seems to think – as most other people do – that H. is already out of the marriage if he’s not willing to work on it. This is always crushing to hear, and always leaves me wondering if there’s any hope at all.

He doesn’t want to armchair diagnose, but was wondering about whether depression could be underlying some of these problems. It does seem to match a lot of what’s been going on for a long time – excessive sleeping, not doing a lot, not going out, weight gain, and perhaps even feeling overwhelmed by daily life – as well as some of the more recent problems – mood changes, feelings of worthlessness, concerns about growing older, and so on. I’d forgotten about this, but H. has also gotten some frustrating news about a medical condition over the last six months, which might also have factored in. It’s hard to know, though.

The friend did reiterate many of the things everyone else has been saying. The stumbling block as he sees it is that H. is so angry and hurt that he’s unable or unwilling to accept any changes. If the things that he wants are things he’s also said he doesn’t want from me right now the only things I can really do is try to ease in as best I can and make small consistent changes without violating H.’s wishes. But he also thinks that there are other issues feeding in, particularly around H.’s self-esteem and self-worth and figuring out what he needs to be happy now and how to make his life better. These are the things that I can't solve for him – he has to do it himself.

He actually had an interesting suggestion that I’m considering. He suggested that if H. isn’t willing to accept things like hugs or sex or backrubs from me because he sees them as me getting something out of them or just trying to fix the relationship, perhaps I should focus more on helping H. make himself better and happier instead. This would show commitment and caring and might be more obviously for him. It might also help get him to a place where he's stable enough to feel like we can work on the relationship.

I’ve given a bit of thought to how I can do this. It’s been a bit challenging because I do feel like I have been supportive of the things that he wants to improve (and some of these things I suggested years ago and H. has never taken me up on, which is frustrating when he says I haven’t supported him like he’s supported me). I’ve been running with him and helping him lose weight by eating better. I’ve offered to do an elimination diet with him, which he said he didn’t want to do. I’ve been listening to him talk through some of the things he’s been working on to upgrade his work skills for awhile now, and it doesn’t seem to have made a difference, but I suppose the time period has been relatively short. I still get caught in the trap of wanting this fixed now, particularly since H. seems upset that things aren’t better yet.

Along with what I’m already doing a few more things I might try are offering to look over his resume and cover letters, connecting him with friends who might have job contacts, doing some research on alternative medical treatments so I can offer suggestions, and maybe even learning a bit more about what he’s working on so I can ask better questions and contribute more. I don’t want to take this too far because I do recognize that it could be easily seen as me trying to fix his problems for him again, and that seems like a bad idea. But if I can get a foot in the door with this, it might be an idea.

Thoughts, as always, are appreciated.


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BD - March, 2014
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Just got an email from H. (I wasn't on IM all day yesterday, which is how he'd usually get in touch) saying he was checking in about how my visit was going and telling me a little brief bit about what he's been up to.

What kind of response is best to give for something like this?


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Think about all that for 48 hours.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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