Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
B
BigMac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
Nettles, to answer your question, I have been doing pretty good at not looking. At first I was wondering if I was overthinking, and maybe they were just friends.

I had to much hope, now I know that they are in a Relationship. I know that they are going to be doing stuff, having fun together, living the life. I know that looking at that only hurts me.

When I want to check, I just repeat "If I truly loved myself, would I do this to myself" and the answer is consistently no. So I haven't been. It's been pretty empowering.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
B
BigMac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
Contact update

The W txt's me back after I brought the OP, he debt and the school refund to light.
And said that she would like to work towards friendship as well.

She said she didn't trust me with her emotions or best interests. And that she guesses that will take time.

And she questions my big changes. Saying had they are placating

I Waited a day and told her that I can seen how she would feel that way, but these changes are for me, that is irrespective of what "we" look like.

She responded with a note - glad your happy, have a good one.

I had to call her about something later in the day, and she was actually pleasant again. Not sure if there is a correlation. But I'll take every small step forward I can get.

On a personal note, I haven't been checking up on her social media, snooping etc. I've been surrounding myself with supportive fun people. There ups and downs still come, but I am working through them.

Baby steps.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
What did you have to "call her out on?"


Last edited by labug; 07/22/14 03:02 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Have you separated the accounts and taken your name off her credit cards? If so, then simply forward that statement to her and let her deal with it. If it doesn't affect you, it's her business.

I really see no progress made in you having the OP discussion with your WAW. She has separated from you, and unless/until she attempts to make a move toward reconciling....I don't think it will benefit you.

What I see is you wanting to let her know that you know about OP. Clear and simple. What will that accomplish? If anything, it could make matters worse since you have a problem of fearing her anger. Informing her that you know....and yet can do nothing, just makes your position seem weak. It's like saying, "You can rub it in my face, but I won't do anything...just wanted you to know I am aware of it". What good will that do?

I think men have some desired expectation from telling the W he knows. He wants her to know she isn't fooling him. And I can see that point. But it will not solve anything. I believe it could be to your advantage not to let her know the information you have, at this time. Does anyone else know about it?

She is going to do what she wants to do, and if she feels you are trying to pressure her....she will not respond how you want.

If you want to live there to be close to the kids, make a life apart from her. There should be a discussion about the A before attempting to live together again. She has a history of keeping things from you, and that would need to be addressed as well.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
Oh, and stop talking to her about your changes! And stop finding reasons to contact her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
B
BigMac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
Sandi2, Labug. I brought up the those items (the OP, the debt, the refund) for a couple reasons.

We work in the same in industry (at the same conference right now, which has it's challenges. In the circles we are in it was becoming common knowledge, however she had been casual about it. Then recently cleaned up any evidence online after I had mentioned it to her mother (bad move on my part, I am not not talking about anything to the MIL). I felt like I was looking weak (I felt weak) by not acknowledging it. I am taking back some power. I am drawing a boundary here that I will not accept negative interactions based on hiding lies. I'd rather address them and show compassion. That is my choice on how I want to live my life. This is also a big 180 from earlier in our relationship. I used to be the worst at passive aggressive behavior about these things. While she learned the hiding and lying from her mom, my actions in our marriage just made it worse.

It's not that I accept it, it's that I understand. Our marriage wasn't working well. We both had problems. Our communication sucked. We had all sorts of challenges over the past couple years. I have made the decision that this is going to be a year apart. Even if tomorrow we choose to reconcile (which is very unlikely to happen) I want us to live in different houses for this year. To date, work on therapy, and build the rest of our lives the right way. But most importantly, I'm doing really good with my changes. Yes life is super hard, but I am growing so much. I don't want to shortcut this growth. I need it for me, I need it for the family, and no matter if we end up back together or not, I need it to be fair to my W.

Up to this point, past the fires of the original break up she has been pretty nice when we talk on the phone or in person. Last week when i was in the new town looking for a good neighborhood to live in she found out I was there. And asked me to lunch to give me some packages of mine she had forwarded.

I could tell she was being eaten alive waiting for me to say something. She was grimacing, and frankly a bit mean. In our marriage this same pattern would happen. She would do something "bad" and then hide it and feel guilty. That would escalate into a pattern of negative interactions on her part towards me.

I just wanted to nip the negative interactions in the butt. Also, it was just eating me away inside. I have chosen to be compassionate. To not control her. To stand firm in my own life and break the habits of co-dependancy (I have a hard time, but get better every day).

My hope was that by brining this stuff to light, we could at least address the elephant in the room and work towards continuing the positive interactions. We are both adults, and parents, and we were friends for so many years. I know that she needs to go work this stuff out, and I am busy working myself out too.

Sandi2 - thanks for the advice to stop talking about my changes.
She did give me a text that she doesn't trust me with her emotions, and she doesn't believe my "big changes" because of the difference from what she hears from others. I guess at the end of the day she just has to see them consistently right? Even if she doesn't though, I am really starting to sink in that these are for me.

I am not trying to pressure her, though I caught myself getting drawn into her parents demands that I control her and fill their roles as parents. I pushed back by reminding them that they needed to parent her, not me. Honestly though, I just need to avoid them. Nothing good ever comes from my interactions with them.

Great point about keeping a separate life. When we first split, I was broken. She wanted us to get apartments in the same complex. I agreed back then, but changed my mind. At lunch I told her that I was not going to live in the same neighborhood. That I was going to live in a place that fit me. it was funny while talking to her though, that I had explored more of the new town and met more new people then she had. And she has been out there for three months. I take that as a win for the changes I have been making. My social anxiety is starting to wane. I can walk up to a group of people and talk to them just fine. I am pleasant and outgoing most of the time now. I feel me coming back.

My life is becoming better as I disconnect and gain my self respect back. I am getting more and more visibility into our mutual challenges that led to where we are today. I am keep oscillating between the sad moments, and the happy moments. But every day a bit more of my true self creeps back in. And most importantly I'm doing it on my own vs just falling into the arms of another person. I am not perfect, but I am proud of myself. I want to keep this ball rolling.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
B
BigMac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
And now Ashley just reached out for coffee and lunch. We had coffee and lunch. I was getting some interesting signals, but really have to look into my heart.

I'll post more when I think about it more.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
B
BigMac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
So, she reached out via phone. I got back to her a couple hours later. She suggested we go get coffee, I suggested offsite so it would be private.

We found a little place and sat down. She chose a table where the seats were close vs across the table and sat with her toes pointed towards me.

The conversation went ok, but then went into talk about an issue that had happened with the D16, and the MIL. It got a little tense, her body language changed. I remembered the 27 rules and that the MIL / Daughter issue was R talk.

She kept pressing if I was having sex with anyone. Which I thought was odd since she keeps saying she doesn't care. I have kept with my mantra that I am working on me, and that just isn't something I care to do.

She said that the OP was a "serious friend" and that they hang out and smoke weed, and then after a bit more discussion said that he was something more then a friend, but less then a boyfriend. (after I brought up colorado).

I realized what was happening and said, hey this is super serious, lets not talk about serious stuff and pinky swore on it.

I was feeling pretty sick this morning,

My thoughts, the OP is not here right now and she is lonely, so now she wants attention from me. Just my thoughts. The talk was good though. She also shared that she kicked all of the pills that the dr's had her on, and now her kidneys are fine. I was so happy to hear that she was healthier. I had been scared for so long.

She came with me to lunch, where I grabbed a salad and did some active listening. I also tested her reception by the pinky swear, and then she said that she may be breaking out, and I touched her face to check and she didn't pull back.

We then went to her booth on the floor here and met with the girl she wanted to introduce me too. I proceed to challenge the girl to a cartwheel contest.

The only bad thing is that she needs money for her new place, she did bring it up. I may be being manipulated. I just don't know. I don't trust my heart, I don't trust my head, I don't trust her. I want to rebuild trust but this is super hard.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
B
BigMac Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 271
Also, I need to do better at listening to everyone here. When I get in person, it goes so fast it is hard to do what I am supposed to do. (this is only the 3rd time I've seen her in 3 months) hopefully it gets easier over time.


Me: 35
Her: 33
D : 16
S : 9
Together: 14 years
Married: 12
She left 4/14/2014
Separated: 5/25/2014
OM Confirmed 7/2014
She filed 8/7/2014
I Filed 10/21/2014
Divorce final 2/12/2015
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 659
I honestly wouldn't be giving her money outside of any legal agreement, despite how much you care for her.

Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard