Ok the coffee has not his the brain cells this morning!
In regards to my situation with boyfriend.
Im really having to rely on my gut feeling with this because My gut never steers me wrong.
I've too wondered if Im associating abuse with love. I've wondered if Im blinded by being in love again for the first time in over 20 years, and have lost my marbles temporarily. I've asked myself if this is some sort of rebound thing for me... but I had been alone for 2 years BY CHOICE until I met this man. I've wondered if I subconsciously have accepted something less than exceptional just to feel loved and have a soft place to fall.
Yet, if Im having the sense to ask these questions about myself, and still feel this bond with this man like I never felt with XH, that I can't deny, I feel Im right where I need to be with him. Why? I can't explain it. I feel like I've known him all my life, yet never have seen him in this lifetime. As with XH, I knew we would be married and have children the minute I met him, but a little voice said to me" this may not work out, but you must go forward with him anyway".
Then there are all the things about boyfriend that make me think and think and think some more! I love a man that has been on dialysis for 10 years, is physically weak, sick and drained all the time because of it, has one hell of a past, is a functional alcoholic, and has a verbal and mentally abusive temper. LOL... what a catch huh??? He lost his mother which is his best friend almost a year ago. I lost my mom which was my best friend 9 years ago. I understand fully the sadness and grief he's feeling. Im positive he's depressed and has been for years. And thanks to MLC we all know how men can handle depression!
He's been so open and honest with me about things on such an emotional intimate level, it's really changed my perspective on him as a person. Learning about him and who he is, and what things are like for him, puts me in an objective state of mind, and then gives me bottom lines.
And yet am I just hanging on to the "potential" he may have once he gets his transplant (which if he stays on track should be this next year)and feeling healthy again will change him as a person?
From my perspective, "settling" is just a term and maybe an excuse!
No one is perfect. Some people are perfect for each other. I think as life goes on and people change, and we find ourselves in an every day life which has started to be less than satisfactory. Then we may have thoughts of "I settled" when we look at the other person as the means to our life feeling unsatisfactory. Yet when you began that relationship, it was perfect enough to commit to it.
See that's what's so damn ironic. God, angels and guides will give us the "go ahead" even if it doesn't work out or is very difficult.
Because the experience is for us to grow! We never grow unless we're put to the test of what life is teaching us all along.
I still have anger up the wazoo towards XH. Thats my ego talking. But do I have any regrets in marrying him and having two children?
Never.
Im to the point that maybe our only mission together was to bring those girls into this world.
I do believe in reincarnation, soul contracts, and God having a plan for us. But given we all have free will... our missions can get off track or totally awry. Hence coming back to try again.
But I can tell you this much.... I sure as hell don't want to go through this again! LOL.
I am totally with you on this. And I am also aware of God' s help. Even through the hardest and craziest obstacles, There always seem to be someone or something around us to help us through.. And it is not always who you would expect it is very surprising at times.
You know what I really think? And this is because I've learned so much from these boards and MLC, that when he starts being a jerk, I can detach and really be objective!
I think my boyfriend really has nothing but self loathing! I swear to God that man is content to hurt himself, yet claiming the victim stance all along.
It's like I see him for everything he is, was and wants to be. But I see him having so many unresolved issues, that he's just not fully available to give me the kind of relationship I want and need. He's only partially available.
Hmmmm..... what to do. I don't hate this guy. I do love him. Perhaps our relationship will be one of taking breaks and reuniting as we both walk our paths we need to walk. And I think that's ok.
Yet at the same time I year for a person that wants to take care of me and has the means to do so! I year for a loving, responsible family man!
Perhaps this may be a relationship in which we truly will end up friends.
We work so damn hard and moving forward, growing and dealing this insane hand that was literally dumped in our laps by our MLCer.
Yet we remember the good times before they went MLC and we still mourn it and yearn for those good times.
I want that again! But I do not want it with EX.
Are we wrong to want to have what we used to have? Can't we find that with another person that wishes to have the same thing too? What's wrong with wanting to have a family intact, a loving person to be there for you, to have a best friend and lover? Someone to walk this path of life with?
Sometimes I've really felt alot of pressure, by myself that I must show the world and EX that I do not need him, I do not need anyone, and I will do this all on my own! But damn it, doing this all alone is one hard and cold road to travel. I don't like it anymore!
Kim, I understand !! We cannot forget the fact that it took years of investment and effort to get what we had !! I also want that kind of life back but it would take years to get there. IMO, we could find companionship but I wonder if we could ever get as comfortable with another relationship like we were with the one prior to MLC. We are aware of SO MANY red flags and we are on guards to not relive this sh*t. I am struggling with the same questions as you !!
You can have all of that....just not woth this guy. You're going to have to let go of him in order to find the man you want. He's not it! I know you have feelings for him, I know it's lonely to think of going back out into the dating pool, but once you're in a good solid relationship you'll wonder why you put up with all this drama.
it is very surprising at times.