He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[Paz2014]

No worries Betsey; you have a life too. Hope that you're feeling better.

Since I ended the last convo on a positive note I've been reluctant to do anything contrary to do that which may provoke him. It doesn't bother me that he looks at the bank acct. but it does bother me that he feels justified to get mad about what I'm doing with my money. He says "I feel like you're not taking this seriously. I mean whether you sign the S papers or not they can still come after you and me until the new house is sold." I understood this part and it's the reason why I have not been in any hurry to ditch the joint acct. When the time comes to final loan approval they will ask for documents and we have to substantiate any transactions over $500. This means additional bank statements...it could prolong the process, move our closing date, and would mean more money that has to come out of his pocket. I'm not trying to add more fuel to the fire but I don't want to be scolded about how i'm spending my money either. This was his arrangement to begin with and now he's disagreeing with it. Honestly, I don't think he thought this through well enough. I also feel that the call was his jealousy/insecurity getting the best of him.

If I rock this boat I could see the potential chaos that would ensue. Right now he trusts me not to act irrationally. I mean I haven't done anything drastic that has signaled "she's gonna take all the money and run" or "she might try to take me to the cleaners!" So I know at least that this is one good thing I have going for me. I have never been a green-eyed monster when it comes to money. However in his family money is a big thing. Do I breach this trust or am I in denial?

The insurance thing is another area that is related to the new build. We will have to provide home owner's info and having to start a new policy while so close to the closing date could set off red flags for the lender. It would be more problematic than helpful. I will let that thing go for now. Currently he's paying for all the expenses related to the condo (our current home) and pretty soon whatever new expenses for the new house. I only pay for my cell phone bill, braces, groceries for me and the kids, gas and such. He's footing the bill on the mortgage, HOA, electric, phone/cable. In a sense I'm living rent-free but then again we're married so none of that stuff is really different from the norm.

I could see him wanting an out so bad that he may just take temporary residence in the new house until it sells. This would hurt me so terribly since my heart was so involved in that house. I haven't even seem that darn thing completed yet and still my mind reverts back to the dreams we (or at least I) had for it. It's an ideal commute to his work. Honestly, I think that the potential OW is someone from his workplace. Rambling...

So, that's where I am. Should I wait until we close to separate from the joint, or, should I maintain my own acct (thus potentially complicating things with the new house) and still keep my name on the joint acct?

I have nine days left until I go back to VA. I have been considering a move back to San Diego simply because I love it here and it would close to family. Right now I'm thinking about how much the help from my brother and his fiance would benefit the kids.

[Paz2014]

Thanks Oad! I am spiritual and believe in that too but sometimes it's hard for me not to add my own feelings to the mix. I am just a very "zero tolerance for BS" kinda person. I don't care for mind games and I'm not empathetic toward adults who should know better but choose to turn a blind eye.

I have my own acct. but haven't taken the step to separate from the joint due to obvious reasons surrounding the new house. I could care less what he thinks about how I'm spending it but I don't appreciate being lectured or scolded. I just want to say "What about your arrangement here do you not agree with?"

It's funny you should mention Solona beach. I'm in it's neighboring city, Encinitas. I absolutely love it here and want to stay. Been taking advantage of beach runs in the morning and any time I need to do some reflective thinking. Just being on the freeway with the windows down and feeling the cool breeze is enough to rejuvenate me. I don't surf though because I have this irrational fear of being swept up by the current and drowning. Eek. Are you still in CA?

I want to have an angry day too but it's just too darn pretty out today to spend it in anger. I'm sure it's easier for me to say that since I'm miles away from my source of anguish and i'm kid free until the 16th of August. Think happy thoughts of surfing! What would your life be like if you were surfing again and where would your W fit in?

[Paz2014]

Update...

My H called the other day but I let it go to VM. Then he called again and texted shortly after to which I did not respond to. I took the advice of not always being available. And then...he called 22 more times. Midway through that he utilized the emergency contact numbers (by calling my brother) I gave him during my stay here.

I called him back eventually but new it would not go well. He has never done this--behaving like a maniac--to which he admitted. As it turns out...he was venting again.

M: Hi, i'm sorry I missed your calls. Is everything okay?

H: I've had a long day and I wanted to talk to you but I don't want to talk about them anymore because I'm tired and I still have to iron my clothes for work. I feel like you're avoiding me. It's like you don't think that I might need to get a hold of your for something important. What if it was an emergency or the kids calling?

M: You sound stressed. I gave you my emergency contacts just in case. I would have called you back eventually.

H: I keep my phone with me at all times just in case something happens to you or the kids and I feel like you're not reciprocating that.

M: I'm truly sorry I didn't get to your call right away. I had things to take care of...

H: It's just...you're three thousand miles away and I don't know what's going on. You're taking a holiday and I'm here working 12-hr days without having breaks in between most of the time and you said you've changed but I don't know that. There's no way for me to see that right now.

When I told him that things have changed, I was referring to our situation not myself. I've been friendly but brief in our exchanges. I do my best to empathize when he gives me an opportunity to. Sometimes it's difficult to process all that he has said and respond with empathy because he just keeps on and on. The entire conversation was about him and his feelings of my "unfair behavior." When I did throw in a validating statement he would apologize by saying "I'm sorry i'm being this way right now. I truly am but it's just that..." I would then acknowledge his apology and thanked him for at least being honest with me. Eventually, I asked if there was anything important relating to the house that we needed to discuss. He replied with no and then I suggested that perhaps we could continue the conversation another day. He said "I'd like that."

I've done my best to communicate with him about the new build and forwarding whatever emails the lender has sent to me. So, i'm by no means being difficult in anyway because my name is on that dotted line too--not trying to screw myself on this part. However, he's been at the forefront of this since the day he dropped the bomb on me. He insisted "I'll take of care of it; you don't need to worry about anything." So, I've been in the background. It appears, this is not what he wants. So I emailed the lenders about our next steps prior to closing and CC'd him on it. I called him at work to discuss the logistics. He did his best to answer my questions but was a bit short. He said he would take care of getting the homeowner's quote later this evening. I did well to keep it strictly business but he was trying to throw in personal questions like "Is everything going okay over there?" and "there's this stuff with the office...i'll tell you later."

After we get off he sends me a text.

H: I'm sorry I was short. My boss is on vacation and I have to pick up the load so I've been in meetings all week with little opportunity to do work. I'm tired and i'm sorry.

M: Oh...sounds like you've got a lot on your plate. I'm sorry if I just added to it just now. Hope you get some time in between to rejuvenate. It won't be a problem for me to call and get the quote for the homeowner's insurance. Or, we can three-way when you have time.

H: Maybe we can do a three-way call this evening. That would be helpful. Thank you.

M: We can do that. Checking on their operating hours now. We can call them before 7 your time. I have an appt at 6 but should be free around 6:45.

H: An appt?

I have not responded to his last text. I do have an appt. today and it's to skype with my C. Was he probing here? How should I respond?

Vets, was this a successful 180? I felt terrible trying to be unavailable when I actually was available. I feel that he's softening a bit and that my being away has helped him realize all the crap that I do for him. Yeah, setting doctor appts. and taking care of all the menial tasks that he doesn't have time for seem insignificant compared to his 12-hr work days but someone has to do it. In addition to that I was working on keeping myself happy too by going back to school full time.

My love tank towards my H is empty. Right now I'm focused on preparing for a life without him but I'm uncertain if I'm doing it the right way rather just adding another nail to the coffin.

[Ben2010]

I think you did an amazing job with all of that. Thats really something, calling 22 times lol. I also wouldnt consider the convo that you had "not going well". This is how you want it to be. You are living your life as if he isnt in it as far as he knows. Great DBing.

The only part that I think you should change here is the helping with the homeowner's portion of it. You did ok but maybe offered a bit too much assistance. Make him do it. He has a lot on his plate right now by HIS choice not yours. If all was well then he would have you around to help whenever he needed it. Dont get me wrong, I dont want this to take away from all of the good that you did. I think overall it was a great success for you. I would continue to do that from time to time. Dont always answer the phone for him. Keep it up, that took some great patience on your part.

[Paz2014]

Thanks Ben! It's always interesting to get feedback from males--you guys make it easier for me to understand what's going in my H mind--from a male perspective anyway.

I was reluctant about the homeowner's thing but pushed forward because my name is on the contract too. Not that he would be spiteful and totally screw me over. We're nearing completion of the build and soon it will be closing day. I've let things play out for the past several weeks. I'll do my part of the document trail and forward it to him to finish it off and get it back to the lender. He's done the majority of the work but has procrastinated on the important stuff like providing proof that we've reduced our debt-income ratio. Basically all the final documents we need to provide prior to final loan approval has not been submitted.

I get what you mean by being too helpful. My primary motivation was not just to save "our" behinds but my behind more so. Not that I wasn't sincere in my effort to notice and validate his "stress." My natural inclination is to just take care of it if I can so it can be out of the way. This did not sit well with him and made him feel like I was not considering the fact that he may have an opinion different from mine or how I do things. I hope that made sense. So in my effort to do a 180 I decided to be cooperative and listen to what he was really saying. Which in his pathetic passive-aggressive lingo meant "I need you to do your part too." You're right though. His plate is full by his own doing not mine. I'm so glad to have time away as it has really helped me detach/GAL and value myself again.

Thank you for the patience compliment. Long-suffering is my cross to bear and I'm far from being where I'd like to be in being patient.

[Paz2014]

Alright so we had the three way call to the insurance company today. It was earlier than I expected since he's on the coast and I'm three hours behind him.

He initiated with a text asking if I would still be available to do the three way call. I replied with a yes and asked "Before 6PM your time?" He then replied with "are you free now?" So we made the call. Looking back now I'm not sure why we needed to three way. Either of us could have accomplished the quote alone or online for that matter but I let it play out. That feeling in my gut came back as the rep began asking questions that pertained to the future of the new house blah, blah... I avoided answering the questions that pertained to future occupancy and let him answer.

It was really awkward on my end. Glad it was on the phone because I really wanted to punch him in the face at that moment and say "You jacka$$! I can't believe you let us get this far in the home buying only to turn around and sell it! Gahhh!" But I kept my cool and thought about my plans for this evening and this helped with my tone.

In the end the rep asked if we wanted to start the policy today or just to keep it as a quote for now. I waited for what seemed like forever and then he finally answered, "CMF, what do you think?" Boy, I truly wanted to tell him what I thought but instead I responded with "Well, we can always call back later to start the policy but let's keep it as a quote for now."

Before getting off the phone he asked what my appt. was about yesterday. I had a feeling he would probe. So I nonchalantly answered with "Oh, I just had to take care of something..." He then said "Oh, I thought there was something..." I cut him off before he could finish. Perhaps my anxiety was kicking in because I was feeling like a big fat liar. I'm terrible at lying. But I then said "Oh...no, it's nothing health related. I'm doing fine but thanks for asking." I further enforced my genuineness by reciprocating the question and asking him if his cough ever went away. He said "Yeah...I mean I get a feeling in my chest once in a while but I've been going to the gym and haven't had any problems. But, thank you for asking."

I ended the convo and told him I had to go finish putting on my face. I didn't probe into his weekend plans or try to get too personal. I was cool and casual. Mainly, I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to have to answer his questions thus giving him too much info about what's going on with me. I read this somewhere...in the Love Must be Tough book. It states to be discreet in one's changes, plans, or frame of mind...make him wonder. I'm hoping that it works or that it's working.

[25yearsmlc]

Part II

The betrayal is just too much to bear some days...most days. I've read so many books in that past month looking for answers, comfort, direction. I'm standing tall one day and on the floor sobbing the next. What an emotional roller coaster. H wanting out has been a total shock. If anyone was wanting and threatening to leave the marriage it was me. I knew we were having issues but nothing major enough in my mind to throw in the towel. What's even more confusing is that just two months ago we signed a contract on a new build. We were going to try for a baby in July and I was ecstatic. Our relationship was finally moving forward and now this. I cant confirm if there is OW but I have my suspicions. He has split the bank accounts and left me some money
since I am unemployed. I just completed a great semester of college and was eager to celebrate with him. Never got to since he left on a business trip and came home with the bad news.

I'm a Christian and I find it difficult to apply some of the DR techniques and mentality. It goes against the biblical teachings of Ephesians 5: "Wives respect your husbands and husbands love your wives."

I don't think DBing goes against ANY Christian beliefs. It's pro-marriage for one thing. If there are some comments or remarks you think might go against some minor issues, don't get bogged down in that minutia. Keep your eye on the ball b/c the over all goal of DBing is to stay married and happy, in a committed family and marriage. That's the big picture. That is the essence of Christianity's approach to family and marriage. For me, DBing was very spiritual.

It got me back in touch with my faith as well and taught me a lot about self respect AND forgiveness and how to distinguish between a healthy boundary and a punitive or vindictive action/comment.




I'm so distraught right now that I'm desperate to take any advice. I feel like I need to have someone to talk to constantly. My kids don't know anything and I refuse to include them in my marital problems. But H insists that they need to know.

How old are they? Who does he suggest tells them and what would he want them to hear?
Are you sure they have no inkling that there are any problems now?



I can sense that he is burdened with guilt as well.

don't mind read here. ^^ IT's counter productive and in some ways it hinders your own growth. You must put your focus on the only person you can control, YOU.

What are your GAL activities like? And what are your 180s?
(We hammer them here a lot for one reason: they work.)

What would you say HE would say was wrong with the marriage if he were here?


Some days it feels as if he's providing me with subconscious hints to help him snap out of it...to fight for him...to stay and fight for the marriage. When I try to get closer and touch him while he's expressing his hurt feelings he pulls away and comments that my touching doesn't make him feel better.


Believe him, and touch him NO More. That may be hard to do but it's not complicated. He'll let you know if he changes his mind. You won't have to guess.


I know he still loves me even though it's been three weeks since he last said so. How do I break through his wall? Should I try to break through?


NO...

Here are some guidelines to follow while you figure out your best strategy. These are ONLY guidelines that are more or less bullet points, based on the books and assembled by Sandi (with a few additions from me.)

These are NOT "laws", and they are not applicable to every situation, so your use best judgement on this.



1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. **(=180s!!)**


17. ***You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.***

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patience on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). Sometimes the right thing to say is nothing.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes, where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

38. Know that in time, you really will be happy again, regardless of your spouse’s choices. Know this, believe it, and let it show.

39. Do not believe that showing your spouse your pain and misery proves your love for them. It just makes it harder to be around you.

40. Don’t worry about how the past is viewed. What matters is this day and “from this day forward.” Learn to let go of the past and what you cannot control. It’s a lot to let go of, but it is so freeing.

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you Betsey!

It didn't occur to me how self-righteous I had been. I locked the bedroom door not to get a reaction out of him. I was simply wanting some privacy to change clothes. It's very awkward and i'm still learning how to behave in the sitch. This is my third marriage and this is his first. My first marriage ended in infidelity on both sides and I married the man I had an affair with. My second H were divorced 9 mos before he passed away in a motorcycle accident. I came into Christ at age 27 and decided not to follow in my parents footsteps. I came from a divorce family and that stuff stays with you.

When I met my H, I was a single parent with two kids working and going to school. So, my life was busy. I had goals and knew where i wanted to go and was doing my hardest to get there. Past hurts has made me tough so to speak. I realize I couldn't be weak if I were to get anywhere in life so I took on a more masculine outlook--at least outside the home.

But this apparently carried into my relationships.

Been there, done that. My h got deployed and was out of town frequently for long periods so I'd have to do it all and when he came home it was an adjustment. But "taking over", is a dangerous thing in a marriage and it's super easy to justify.

t. Eventually, I started taking over decisions I knew I could knock out on my own. This is where it started I guess. I felt his passivity and it made me want to compensate some more.

My instincts say you resented his passivity...?? Regardless, he resented you "compensating" for it.


When it came to decisions I felt that my decisions were always the best.

Newsflash. Everyone feels this way about THEIR decisions. It's an ego thing we all have to fight and make sure we're humble enough to admit we might not be "right" and even if we are, a lot of times it's not that darn important.


So, I can understand where he would feel "cut off at the knees" as he would say it.
I thought I was just doing him/us a favor by taking one more thing off his plate that he was indifferent about.

Well obviously he was not indifferent. So you do KNOW why he's so angry and you DO know things you can work on. That is empowering!

So what are your 180s now? And what about your GAL?


Naturally, since I didn't feel any opposition from him I thought everything was good. Little did I realize he was bottling it in. This I think made him resent me and now he sees me as selfish and controlling.

So how can you contrast those images he has of you, which he uses to justify leaving, with new data that contradicts this? In other words, how are you undermining those negative views?

You need positive behaviors that contrast with his negative beliefs.Can you think of any?


Which is hard to swallow because I did my best to include him in decisions. I wanted to make sure that he chimed in on things too. I wanted him to feel included. I can't help that he didn't speak up when things bothered him.

you're starting to defend yourself here and to justify. That's pretty much a waste of time and time is short. You need to know this:

No WAS comes home to a marriage they left...UNLESS

they believe the marriage can be better/different than before.

it's the LBS job to show that, with action (not words).

So how are you DEMONSTRATING that the marriage can be better/different than before?


And yes, I become defensive when we argue. He articulates so well that I get lost in the convo and I can't keep up with what he's saying. I get even more discouraged when he says things like "You don't understand" or "You're not trying." I feel manipulated somehow so my wall goes up. My second H was verbally abusive.

how is that^^ relevant to now?

I am on day 31 of "The Power of a Praying Wife" and I actually gave the "Wild at Heart" book to my husband to read. He got through a few pages and now it's collecting dust. I will be sure to start in on that book tonight.

Giving our spouses self improvement books to read usually comes off as us telling them how THEY can improve...which is a form of criticism. It definitely doesn't do US any good. And DBIng is about doing what helps, and NOT doing what does not help. Sounds simple but if you read the books you'll recall the many cheese less tunnels we employ.


I was angry because he was not truthful about his past.

How long were you angry about that? And if it was in the past, why were you angry at all?

All he needed to do was make sure she stopped texting, which he did. I guess I don't understand why you held onto the anger...


I learned about a girl he dated off and on. Well, she started to text trying to rekindle again. I confronted him and he tried to minimize it. He said would take care of it but a week later she was texting again. Apparently, the girl did not know about me or that we were engaged to be married. For the second time, he said he would take care of it. The text did stop and eventually he got a new number. I felt betrayed and angry.


Why did you feel betrayed and angry if the texts stopped, they all came from her, and they never met up?

I had just left my life and moved to a neighboring city to be with him and he couldn't be honest with me.


Our priest once said that --
"while it's wrong to deceive a spouse in a marriage, don't give your spouse a reason to deceive.
So if the w dents the car and h goes off on her for an hour about how she 'wrecked it,' then the next time there's a fender bender, she is motivated to hide that fact from him b/c HE over reacted before..."

So is it possible your h feared your reaction to her texts? I mean, I think your reaction was pretty intense, for a past R with an ex gf, and a few texts...


He would say that "an omission is not a lie." If I didn't have any children, i would have left. It was a deal breaker for me. But, i gave it a try anyway because I loved him.


But I grew increasingly suspicious.


Not clear about why the kids being involved made you more likely to join him and not less likely...but anyhow, suspicions are very corrosive in marriages. They make us resentful and withholding.

Do you now wish you'd addressed that a lot earlier?
I mean, what have you learned about yourself that you would like to change?


Till this day, i don't have access to his credit cards even though I'm an authorized user on one of them. There are no statements that come in the mail but I see payments coming of our account each month. When I've asked he retorts with "well, i don't have access to yours either!" So I offer to exchange info but he doesn't take the bait. Hence, my continued suspicion.

Why didn't you just open yours up to him and thereby model trust for him?

I mean you would have shown him your good will (and yes, reached out FIRST) and taken the risk, but it has to have paid off better than this path did.

And how long did this stand off go on, with resentment & distrust piling on?

There are several dimensions to your dynamics, b/c you have suspicions about many things; OWs and money and his past...and decision making...so there are a lot of things to work on.

Which is kind of good news in a way. It's not as if you have no clues to work with.


I feel that things would not be an issue if he took the time to reassure me (in my language) that I was the only one in his life and give me access to his accounts. I feel that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and everything needs to be shared or out in the open if there is to be any sort of accountability.

You could have opened yours, but you didn't. So he can make the same argument. Is he on your accounts like you are on his? And what is your language that you can understand and how would he know it? I'm sincerely asking b/c I feel as if there is a lot of stubbornness and mind reading going on instead of open communication.

I sense that you are a bit vague about what "accountability" would mean or to whom one would be accountable, but I sense resentment and anger from you.

So I'm not sure he'd feel comfortable or safe having you review all his purchases and choices. Especially since you say you feel your decisions are always best.


I do want to understand him and give him what he needs but sometimes it takes a while for me realize what it is I need to do/change to accomplish this.


I think you know a lot of what he needs from you. I really do. Read these posts and see what I'm saying b/c I see a ton of ways you could change yourself, and show him that the marriage COULD be better/different than before by showing that You can be.

The changes have to begin with you. You must take the first step, and YES the next step too. And the next 204905 steps, and you know why?


B/C HE is not here working to save the marriage; you are. We cannot make or help HIM do anything, and neither can you. All we can do is help YOU to change YOU. You are all you control. Let that sink in b/c we tend to resist believing it.


I'm seriously considering on signing the separation papers. However, since the condo is in his name he was requested that I move out. I feel this is unfair since it would not just be me and my stuff. It would be me, the kids, the furniture and the possibility of the children changing schools. I told him last night that it may be best if he moved out but he insisted that he wouldn't since this is his home. Well, it's my home too and i don't have a job yet. My children and I packed up and moved to be with him. It was decision i didn't come to lightly and now I'm expected to just get out.


have you consulted with a Lawyer? Just get some information about your rights and the kids b/c this obviously affects them greatly. And knowledge is power. You need "do" nothing with that information, but you will likely feel less fear if you know you are not going to be on the streets.

So is your prior h paying CS for the kids? And what other income do you have and how much longer do you have for college? Were you working at all the past 3 years?

Woundedfool, I've read DR. I've tried "Do something different," 180, and LRT. It has helped softened him a bit but then I get discouraged when the next day he pressures me to sign the separation papers. I read that I should try to stay in the same house and not separate but I feel like the only way I can get him off my back is to give him his separation.

The idea behind staying IN the house is mostly a legal reality b/c once you are out, you may lose some rights to the home. It's not always a bad idea to leave and sometimes it reduces tension a lot. For us, having h move out was sad but helpful actually. easier for him to notice changes in me when I had time between seeing him, and not every day.

But in your situation, you MUST seek out Legal counsel on this issue.

I'm not clear on why he says this is 'his" home. Was it his before you married?

Yes You definitely need some legal advice. I would not tell him about it though, unless your L thinks it's wise.

Also, what did you learn about yourself after your first 2 marriages ended?

Why did you choose this man to marry? I ask in part so you know why you are standing for your m. Helps you keep your eye on the prize and not get bogged down in small stuff. And most of it is small stuff.

Keep on keeping on.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

I've been married for 33 years this summer. We have obviously had BIG some ups and downs.

We only know a few couples married as long as we have been. (I mean, happily).

But every single couple we know who has been married over about 20 years, has ONE thing in common:

One or both of them did a chunk of forgiving. They let go of some past hurt or grievance, and they stopped bringing it up.

I think we don't teach or focus enough about how to forgive in our society. It might be something for you to consider doing, regardless of how this all turns out.

Also, I read this quote:

"Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire,



to get smoke in their eyes."


Food for thought.

[Paz2014]

25yearsmlc, thank you for your insight.

I do have a lot to work on and I can now see why he's been so angry. I only wish I had been receptive enough to see what he was feeling and trying to communicate. Then again this has been a blessing since now I'm aware or at least been made aware of all the negative behaviors I've been perpetuating. It was hard at first to understand what it was I did that pushed people away. But as I continued to read, I learned that all my self-protecting was sabotaging my R and consequently, my M.

I had no idea how one sided I've been.He has done so much forgiving and forgetting but I just couldn't see it that way until now. I'm utterly and completely grieved that he had to resort to this in order to feel happy again. It's hard but now that I know what it is I need to know, I can't say that I don't know nor can I point the finger on him when the speck in my eye is bigger.

I've been working on healing from past hurts and forgiving my offenders and more importantly myself. GAL has been helpful in getting my mind of my H and his behavior. Being on opposite ends of the country is a plus too. I was reluctant to leave at first but now I see that it's been helpful for both of us. It gives me time to focus on me and my crap and it gives him time to think without any interference from me.

I've made an appt. with a lawyer and will get to meet with her once I get back from my trip. I hope I won't need her services beyond the consultation but...