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Maybell Offline OP
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Ok, a little bit of processing.

- I was thinking after I wrote all that whether or not there was any spark left. My conclusion is, on my end there is a little bit of spark, but it's a quiet kind, and if it had a color the color would be of affection and long history rather than passionate attraction. For me, that's a lovely thing, to think about what his interests and likes are, the people we know in common, and to feel familiar with him. But it's buried under seven tons of hurt and fear. And it's not that there isn't passion there... it's just that what was enjoyable about spending lunch together was the opportunity to be quiet and to know one another, rather than to be all flirty. That was a nice warm feeling by itself.

- I'm being very careful to not try to guess what he's feeling for me. However, I will observe without expectation that he was considerate, that he seems to want to make things better for me, expressed caring for my family, that he offered to help in several different things (job hunt, with kids, with my travel plans) and that he has expressed interest in what I'm doing. Since he hasn't said he wants more from our relationship at this time than what he's got, I'm not going to let any of those things mean anything.

- The only time I came close to tears with him was when I was telling him what S6 said about why he moved out. I handled it well at the time, but it really hurt to tell it to H. I didn't leave the table and I didn't actually cry but it took me a few minutes longer than I meant to regain my composure.

- I'm spending time this weekend with the wife of H's close friend from the MBA program. We are friends separately as well as as couples. When I told her he'd moved out last week I asked if she was still willing to be friends because I knew I was at risk of losing her in a split. She scolded me for questioning her loyalty, which was a nice reassurance. H told me I should feel free to tell her anything I wanted about our situation, knowing it was going to go straight to his good friend (he hasn't talked to his friend yet -- he's been keeping his distance from basically everyone he's close to). I thought that was pretty generous, that he wasn't asking me to bend over backwards to cover his a$$. I don't know what I'll say to her. It will be interesting to hear her perspective, they are one of the very few couples who has known us both well as a couple over the last eight years.

I don't really know what any of this means, but I'm going to put it out here a) for the record and b) in case any body wants to comment on what's going on for me and help me make decisions about how I conduct myself from here.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

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Maybell Offline OP
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And he just took the kids for the week and I didn't even get the stinky one-armed hug. Guess I get to fall apart for a little while before I go meet my friends for the fun activity planned for this evening.

Oh, and my D11 told me several times how great I looked when I had to drop by their camp right before lunch. That was nice to hear.

I mean, I think I get how this all *could* unfold. I just don't want to have to go through it.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Maybell! Wow! Don't have time to fully comment but wanted to say congrats on getting through lunch and having such great insight, and enjoy your time w/o kids (might as well enjoy since it is forced upon you, right?)

A couple of things that resonated for me: my D (3) really said, "you look beautiful Mama" while my H was there (!). I almost fell apart b/c I realized it has been a long time since I've heard that... and then have also been thinking, like you, about my own needs that were unmet for so long. I'll put more of my own thoughts about my sitch on my thread but just wanted to tell you that maybe we have reached a new (and important) stage: after looking Inward and making important positive changes in ourselves, maybe we have a clearer idea of what we were missing. And I'll speak for myself when I say that next time around I'll be so much more confident and assertive rather than feeling lucky just to have *someone* that I was willing to forgo things I really *need*. (Cuz that just doesn't work out well for anyone, as we have learned!!)


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Maybell Offline OP
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Super frustrated that our communication skills aren't about a hundred times better. I've been beating myself up wondering if there was a purpose to his telling me he'd ended things with OW. If I knew how we function under our current circumstances I would have known what questions to ask, or how.

And his sister commented to me on FB today. She didn't even acknowledge when I wished her happy birthday. Sometimes the entire universe feels like a storm of messages all written to me in a foreign language.

I need somebody to slap me upside the head and remind me to get a grip.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Fall apart all you want (I find I need a good falling apart moment every so often), but I hope you can enjoy your evening - you absolutely deserve it after today! Congrats on making it through lunch - I'm sure it was a challenge, but it sounds like you did great.

I think your observations about your spark is really revealing. There's a lot there that's worth trying to save, even if it's hard to find under all of the pain right now. Hopefully that will give you something to focus on when the going gets tough. It's so hard to observe things that could be good - even if you're not attaching expectations to them - and then to feel dashed when something like a hug doesn't happen.

One thing that friends have been asking me about is whether H. might be (unintentionally, they think) keeping me on edge because it gives him more power and control in a situation where he's clearly unhappy and not really feeling either of these things. Clearly I don't know your H. at all, but is it possible that the up and down of mixed messages - being thoughtful and then taking something away, for instance - is a way of keeping you a bit off balance?

Something that might be worth trying with H's friends wife is being somewhat vague and seeing what she puts out there. I've found it really helpful to see what kind of observations my friends make about H, me, and the relationship without me doing too much leading to start with. It's often been validating and helpful in ways that were a bit of a surprise to me.


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Married 4 years
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I have to say, to ME, your lunch sounds incredibly positive. Sure, it might not be positive compared to how things were a year or two ago, but it sounds to me like you're on the right track.

I think it's a great sign he has ended his A on his own terms, but is still taking some time to look at what he wants. It shows he is not making rash decisions and is being insightful, I think. It seems to me (and this is only my two cents) that you are on a very "slowly but surely" track forward.

Or, maybe a better way to put it is this: you certainly aren't going backwards right now.


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Maybell Offline OP
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Labug, Claire, Meghan, Vossy, thanks for your feedback. It is good to hear from people. I feel like I'm still processing everything.

I only cried a few tears tonight then I relaxed and enjoyed the quiet. I went out to a fun community event with the friend whose house we were at the evening I helped H with his couch. She said H had reached out to her husband to ask if they could hang out and get a beer sometime. Her husband (who was my friend first, he's kind of a semi-SAHD and she works full time) was reluctant to do that because he didn't want to upset me.

H KNOWS that these are my friends. He reached out the night we had such a good time (and friend not reaching back may be part of the reason H didn't come to their house for the 4th...) And H not taking responsibility for his need to have guy friends was one of the things I thought was causing him so much trouble -- this was a BIG bone of contention during our first MC go around.

I am not attaching any expectations for myself to these things, but I am pleased that he really is taking steps to acknowledge needs that he previously denied.

I'm at risk for having no time to work on my projects this week. I'm fully booked through Tuesday!! And then on and off for the rest of the week.

Thanks for giving me this space for my head to fly off. It really helps.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Ok, a little bit of processing.

- I was thinking after I wrote all that whether or not there was any spark left. My conclusion is, on my end there is a little bit of spark, but it's a quiet kind, and if it had a color the color would be of affection and long history rather than passionate attraction. For me, that's a lovely thing, to think about what his interests and likes are, the people we know in common, and to feel familiar with him. But it's buried under seven tons of hurt and fear. And it's not that there isn't passion there... it's just that what was enjoyable about spending lunch together was the opportunity to be quiet and to know one another, rather than to be all flirty. That was a nice warm feeling by itself.

- I'm being very careful to not try to guess what he's feeling for me. However, I will observe without expectation that he was considerate, that he seems to want to make things better for me, expressed caring for my family, that he offered to help in several different things (job hunt, with kids, with my travel plans) and that he has expressed interest in what I'm doing. Since he hasn't said he wants more from our relationship at this time than what he's got, I'm not going to let any of those things mean anything.


Hi Maybell,
I wish I had some great advice for you, but I think I just posted something very similar on my thread. These two parts above really stuck out to me. I guess it's worth feeling thankful that things aren't much much worse. (We have several colleagues on this board whose WAS are so antagonistic or hurtful. I've heard some real horror stories from friends, too. So, there's that. And that is a lot.

Beyond that, I don't have more to offer. For my own sake, I wish I did! I've been thinking about whether it's time for me to try some experiments to move beyond friendly neighbor/co-parent with my H. But I have no indication that he's ready for that, and I think it may be seen as pursuing and push him away.

Trying to stay patient.
Hang in there.


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T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Maybell Offline OP
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The more strong, happy marriages I see the more I realize how far from that H and I have been. And how few examples of great marriages we had in front of us at the time we married.

Also I'm disturbed by something I permitted to happen to me this afternoon while I was out with my friends. Nothing awful, but I let a personal boundary get crossed and it's making me really uncomfortable. It makes me question my strength.

That last sentence was hard to write. I'm not articulating myself well. This isn't clear or accurate. That bothered me more than I realized. I need to think.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jul 2014
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I'm sorry that something bad happened to you this afternoon, Maybell - on top of everything else, that's a lot to deal with.

One thing to keep in mind is that your strength and willpower are likely to be really worn down right now because you're using them all the time to deal with your situation. You've had a whole lot going on recently and I imagine it's taken a lot out of you to manage. It's not that you're not strong or don't have boundaries around whatever happened, it's that you're incredibly strong but have used up a lot of your reserves leaving you with relatively little to deal with any other issues.


M - 34
H - 36
Together 10 years
Married 4 years
BD - March, 2014
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