Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
Originally Posted By: figgeroni
why in the high holy universe would you tell her that it hurts your feelings for HER SISTER to act like you are out of the picture?

Why the heck do other people know

What is your purpose because it feels like you are just trying to manipulate her into staying....

she has to WANT to stay and honestly, that OM is looking better and better to me

as for having him be a threat to your kids...
are you serious?
he isn't threatening them...he is saying he is going to try and convince him that he is better than you...

How is that threatening unless he IS better than you?


you need to drop her out of the picture and just work on you


Oh great, the OM a person who demands that she calls him her fiance, demands that she not call me her husband, demands that she not say her house, demands that she sya our apartment, yells and screams at her for spending time with her son.

The RO was on an attorneys recommendation so that OM did not come to my home. It was not a controlling act at all. It was legal advice.


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Oxford1
I was sent this link by a friend.

It fits my situation like a glove!

Would it make sense to leave this for my wife to find?


To do what? Oh...

You mean to show her zero growth and change on YOUR part? Sure...go ahead...

[url=http://www.shrink4men.com/2013/02/06/the-next-guy-did-your-ex-girlfriend-or-ex-wife-downgrade/][/url]


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
2
Member
Offline
Member
2
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
Likes: 1
OX

I don't think you get what we are telling you. You keep making this about a win lose thing and how bad OM is, and you continue to compare and compete.

Don't. Just work on you. We are not lying to you when we say we see issues in you that need work, and they are not small issues.

You have some serious personal work to do and if you had done it before, maybe you would not be here. \

Just The fight with your wife about HER SISTER calling on a different phone, is an example of what we mean.

That took some negative spiraling to arrive at a place where you saw yourself as a victim in the first place (b/c the sister called a back up phone, you decided it must mean she had cut you out of her life and NOT that she simply did not want to talk with you? That's the thing Ox, why not ask yourself why her sister might want to avoid talking to you and then change how YOU interact with them?)

and then you thought telling your wife that her sister hurt you, was somehow your wife's responsibility (why not tell the sister how you felt?) AND how did you decide the sister was "wrong" anyhow?

Ox, Did you take in what I wrote to you in my last post? You say it gave you something to think about but the next posts from you are the same old thing.

Your anger at your wife for her sister's call, was SO totally out of line for you, and your wife was correct to say you were starting a fight. She even pointed it out to you,--- but you kept at it without a thought that maybe you should stop your mouth...

So give our advice a real try, and dig deep into your soul, bravely, (b/c it takes a lot of bravery to do this, I know)

and figure out why you are so quick to defend, so fast to argue, to deny, to point a finger at others, and to avoid looking in the mirror.

AND CHANGE THOSE TRAITS. Don't explain them or excuse them or figure out how your childhood memories triggered it...this is a solution based site so we work on change and doing what works, NOT doing more of the same stuff that does not work.

You need to work on yourself to change YOU. Do you get that? YOU have to change you. Not your wife, not OM, just you. (Plus you are all you control anyhow, so stop wasting time on trying to fix others).

Start there and let the rest fall into place...b/c if you do the work YOU need to do, the rest really will fall into place and you will be alright in the end. Seriously.

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 07/17/14 06:20 AM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
Thanks this is insightful.
I realized as I commented on her sister that I was being a dope. It was to late to take it back however.

It may seem like I am not learning, but I believe that from where I was right before the affair started to where I am now is a big difference. Even the relationship counselor has pointed this out.

One of my primary issues was I worked with an IC for almost a year, who listened to me complain and let me vent my frustration but never gave me any real advice.

The psychologist who was our marriage counselor was giving me advice and when I switched to her as did my wife I felt that I was being served much better.

She emailed me this after meeting with my WW yesterday.

"Self possession and self control are two of the primary attributes of manhood. She's noticing. Keep working on them, and don't blow it with impatience born of anxiety. Let someone else do that."

The someone else is the OM.

Thanks for following my thread.....I appreciate all everyone has done for me...I really believe I can win this......the change I need to make within myself is what I can win!


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
So for the past several days I have really applying Sandi's rules and the results are amazing.

I heard from the Relationship Coach that the wife is noticing the changes, that OM is starting to show his true colors.

The next step for me is to start to get a little bit more of a life away from WW.

Next week I will be traveling for business for two nights.
The following I am going to be doing the same.

Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
"You have some serious personal work to do and if you had done it before, maybe you would not be here. \"

This Is exactly what the Relationship Coach told me. She said the changes she noticed in me and the WW notices had I made them years ago, there would never have been an OM!


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
thats great Oxford. now just keep it going. consistency is key. and remember this is a long long process. dont expect her to change her mind in a week or a month or even more.




"I realized as I commented on her sister that I was being a dope. It was to late to take it back however."

i believe that if you realize it as its happening, then just stop yourself immediately, give a quick "sorry" and adjust yourself correctly.

if you have trouble admitting when you're wrong, then that is a good 180 to practice.

its best to catch and correct yourself, than to continue one the wrong path.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
Originally Posted By: KenF
thats great Oxford. now just keep it going. consistency is key. and remember this is a long long process. dont expect her to change her mind in a week or a month or even more.




"I realized as I commented on her sister that I was being a dope. It was to late to take it back however."

i believe that if you realize it as its happening, then just stop yourself immediately, give a quick "sorry" and adjust yourself correctly.

if you have trouble admitting when you're wrong, then that is a good 180 to practice.

its best to catch and correct yourself, than to continue one the wrong path.


I really have to de focus on WW and other man this weekend, actually for the next three weekends.

I have to be the better man not to won my WW back but to regain who I am


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 990
YES!

what happens is, if you spend months and months focused on them, it becomes habitual. your mind will go back to those thoughts on its own. it will then require constant effort to think of something else. you have to give yourself something else to focus on, something healthy.


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
O
Oxford1 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
O
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 505
Originally Posted By: KenF
YES!

what happens is, if you spend months and months focused on them, it becomes habitual. your mind will go back to those thoughts on its own. it will then require constant effort to think of something else. you have to give yourself something else to focus on, something healthy.


I am understanding this now. I really need to focus the next three weeks or I will make myself nuts.

I also have to stay away from other boards, they want me to divorce her, that puts the focus on her again.

I just need to work on me...


W 53 H 51, S 16, S 21
33 years M 28
DD 3 Feb 11, 2014
S21 and His Fiancée move in with us 8/14
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...965#Post2477965
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard