Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
Hello All! It has been a awhile since I have been he. Wife three years ago wanted out since she fell out of love with me and I wasn't not helping with the care of our two kids (S12) and (D8) and money was an issue. Put the DB to work and we were able to patch things up.

For the last two years she has taken a job an hour from home where she leaves at 5:30 a.m. and does not come home until 6:30 p.m. For the most part I am responsible for the care of the two kids. She has told me that she does not feel like an involved mom/wife due to her job. Rather than complaining about the situation I simply would encourage her to look for as new job closer to home and that the family does appreciate her. She has been to a few interviews, but nothing being offered to her.

This year has been tough with my S12, he has been acting up at home (punching holes in the wall) with anger issues. After initial counseling he is in day treatment Monday - Friday. Doing this with my son S12 has been hard due to the drop off times and I have been just beat the last few weeks. I tell W that this is affecting me and very careful not to complain about the schedule since I figure she is trying to change the situation and I want to remain positive.

This last year I have noticed that W was started to drink more than usual a couple days a week, it went from once bottle of wine two now 3-4 bottles if wine. When I asked her about why she is drinking more it would be because of S12 or the job.

I know that I could not stop her from drinking, but I made sure that she would drink and drive with the kids. When she started doing this, I could not take it and told her that I wanted her to get help. It was also at this time that I went to an Al-Anon meeting and have been going weekly.

W finally met with a substance abuse counselor on Wednesday Night. She did drink when she got home. It made me mad, but I was able to avoid her by doing yard work outside. Thursday Night she comes home and asks me how hard would it be to sell the house. I ask her why she would ask such things and she tells me she has been thinking since her counselor visit.

The family then went for a walk, it was nice. W then drank Thursday Night and I was upset. She proceeded to drink two bottles. After the kids were asleep I started to talk to her, she told me that she wasn't happy and that going to the counselor made her realize this. She was no longer in love with me and all the changes that I have been doing stopped 6 months ago.

I responded that my responsibilities with the kids has not decreased, but with my S12 treatment has been increased. I told her that I was exhausted and admitted that I had been yelling more at the kids. I told her that that I needed some help and was advised that she had to do it herself for 10 years alone until the last fallout we had. The conversation then went on how I wasn't nice to her sister and that she wanted out.

W has a history of sexual/physical abuse and was in counseling until she was 18. She told me that I pushed her into treatment and that she knew our marriage would end if she saw some one. She also took her wedding ring off.

This morning nothing was said about it. She is planning on taking the kids to her parents vacation home tonight and return on Sunday. Since we have multiple dogs/pets this means that someone needs to take care of them. When I told her that I wanted to go with she said she wanted some time away. I then stated that I would stay home.

I know that I need to be more patient with the kids, this is something that I need to do to strengthen my relationship with them.

Where do I go from here?


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
One other observation, the money issue has always been touchy. W attitude is that if I get mad when we talk about money she will no longer bring it up.

Looking at the situation and with the kid's schedules and work we have no time just for us to talk without a kid or obligation in earshot. It has been a year since we went on a date night.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
In addition to my other 180's that I have been doing here are the things I am focused on:

1. Really the money thing is a nuclear bomb with W – anytime I raise my voice it freaks her out. When talking about money need to remain positive and non-confrontational
2. Need to stop yelling at the kids – they are only kids and will be slobs - use that energy to pick up after them since this is what happens normally.
3. Need to be nice to more friendly to SIL.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
Your first two goals sound great.

The third goal I'm not going to comment on because I feel like there isn't enough information -- but if she's your wife's sister then she's going to be part of your life for forever so you ought to be treating her like a family member.

Sorry you're here. I don't have any input on substance abuse but you're in the right place and I'm sure someone will have more than just moral support soon.

Best to you.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
I love my SIL two D's super awesome, but for whatever reason SIL is a drama queen. My W complains about her and I then start in. They make up and I hold the grudge. Nothing good comes of it.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
Is the topic of money touchy, or how you interact with W when discussing money? It reads like you yell when discussing money and when dealing with the kids. Could S12 be reflecting a learned behavior?

Where were you emotionally during this breakdown of R? Very happy? Is the yelling a function of your unhappiness?

Finally, don't let W drink and drive with the kids (and truly, even without the kids). Even if it means making W extremely angry and W threatens to leave forever. Call the cops if needed. You are right, you can't stop her from drinking, but you can keep others safe.


me: 45 W:45
M 20 years
T 22 years
S14, S13, S11, D9
BD 2/28/14
D papers served 3/3/14
I moved out 3/15/14
MC start 4/2/14
I moved in 6/2/14
D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
I am thinking my yelling is function of my unhappiness, I get defensive about the finances and stop listening.

Emotionally I have been just exhausted the last few months. I knew that I started nagging the kids more the last few months, and have been talking to W about it.

When it comes to the kids maybe yelling is not the correct description, maybe call it nagging. My first 180 was to stop complaining about the house and do the chores rather than complain about it and do nothing. I need to realize they are just kids and that it would be easier to work with them rather than nagging them. Really in the scheme of things a clean house is the last thing on my mind right now.

The kids have been instructed to never go with W when she is drinking. I try to stop her as well, but it is a potential problem when I am not around.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
So 8YO has to determine if W has been drinking? Is there another way? A boundary that can be set with severe consequences if crossed? And if crossed, following through on those consequences?


me: 45 W:45
M 20 years
T 22 years
S14, S13, S11, D9
BD 2/28/14
D papers served 3/3/14
I moved out 3/15/14
MC start 4/2/14
I moved in 6/2/14
D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 182
And dealing with the unhappiness is as simple as 180s? How are you figuring out the root of the unhappiness and figuring out what makes you happy?


me: 45 W:45
M 20 years
T 22 years
S14, S13, S11, D9
BD 2/28/14
D papers served 3/3/14
I moved out 3/15/14
MC start 4/2/14
I moved in 6/2/14
D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 290
Right now I don't know how to deal with the unhappiness. For my GAL activities I am now going to the Gym Daily, writing an email journal.

I am happiest spending time with my family, I love watching my S12 play hockey and D8 swimming. I like to garden and home improvements.


M:39
W:38
S:12
D:8
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard