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Originally Posted By: Tarheel
Originally Posted By: Wonka

-my W was under the impression that she would move right back in if we R, and I reiterated that that was not an option, she would keep her own place and we would have to start over, dating etc.


Nicely done!

Wonka, how does this part work while ensuring OM is not in the picture? Ideally should W agree to full transparency while living apart? I suppose if W gave the 'I'll do whatever it takes speech' you'd have a little more trust in her actions, but when W mentioned this to me, my first thought went to her having OM over to her place. Of course in my case W and I are not working on R.


Tarheel,

The key meaning behind the R above is reconciliation. Not relationship. A bit different right there.

There can be no full transparency while W is actively involved with OM. Full transparency occurs only when there's a break-up with the OM/OW and wanting to work on the M. Then the LBS pulls out the transparency plan to the WAS.

Hope this makes sense.

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Dev,

Good morning! smile

Originally Posted By: Devaste
I'm pretty sure my W will accuse me of being controlling and manipulative with respect to my boundary, of no friendship if she is involved with the OM. Any tips on how to discuss this if it comes up? Or maybe just not discuss until the OM is gone?


She will. Put up your hand and say, "I am sorry you feel that way. I am doing this to protect myself and our family. What you're doing with the OM is incredibly disrespectful to me and our family."

In her mind the OM is a non-factor. She even stated that to blame the OM puts too much weight on that R.

She's trying to play the shell game with you. Trying to divert your attention away from the seriousness of her affair with the OM by minimizing it. Silly woman! crazy

She doesn't feel she's having an affair because we are seperated right now. That justifies it in her mind. But I also know she is sick about other people referring to her A, she is very embarrassed, and hates the fact this is happening.

That skewed rationalization of the affair is pretty much par for the course in the WAS thought process. They should be embarrassed for parading the OM/OW around town!

Chin up, Dev. You got this, buddy!!

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Originally Posted By: PeterV2

If she's being honest here . . . ,



. . . then it would be the first time that someone in an affair was honest!


All cheaters lie -- PERIOD.


I haven't really followed Dev's sitch that closely, and so I'm not aware of what good intel he has that would indicate that his wayward wife was being untruthful. In my case, I knew every day -- FOR A FACT -- and so when my wife would say something like "Oh we're just friends," or "It's NOT an affair!" I would put my hand up and say "PLEASE STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful not only to me and to our marriage, but to our family."

And I would leave the room.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Ahh, we cross-posted, Wonka! laugh We're both saying the same thing here.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Starsky,

Please go back to page 5 of this thread where you'll see my comment to you and share your experience here.

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Hey Dev,

My W told me the same thing about two weeks ago.

She said, It doesn't matter if I have sex with a cow, a family member, a friend or anybody because in my heart and mind we are S.

I said, You are your own person and can do whatever you choose to do, I have no control nor have ever had any control over you so it is your life to live.

I am doing the same, choosing to live my life how I want to, at some point our lives may reconnect but only GOD know that.

She said, I glad you are getting your life straight, it is about f-ing time, because you sure wouldn't do it for me.

I responded with I am sorry you feel that way it must have been very difficult to have those feelings while trying to hold on while our M was suffering.

I left it at that and haven't really talked to her since, even though she is staying in the next room two feet from mine.

Hang in there!!


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
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I saw that, Wonka. Trying to better understand how much PROOF Dev has that his wife is lying to him, as well as what it was (if anything) that they AGREED to during separation, before being able to advise him as to how to best lay down the boundary.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Alright,

Here's the deal. Nothing was agreed upon for the terms of our S. W would not agree to anythjng like that as she was involved with OM. The only truth she is telling me is that it's not really going to go anywhere. I say that because I've seen it in my intel.

Starsky, my intel is very good. Her phone intermittently and occasionally, and other access with communication between them. I know they are having sex for sure. It's discussed in communication I have.

Really with the terms of our S, and she is not denying a sexual relationship, just says that he is a really good friend also. I don't have much room I don't think.

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
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This is totally random, and I'm sure it falls in the scheme of doing things for myself, not to affect my W, but I wonder if I should take all her stuff that is still at the house and deliver it to her new place. That might not pave the road home so to speak, but it would sure give the message I'm serious about moving on.

Pretty sure it's similar to the wedding rings, pictures etc.

Do it if it's for me and what I want to do

Thoughts?

Dev


Me: 40
Wife: 38
M: 10. T: 18
S: 8, D: 6, S: 4
BD 02/01/14
Asked her to leave 02/01/14

Keeping the dream alive
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Dev,

With your intel about W's activities with the OM, it is all the more reason to go PITCH BLACK with W and get your ducks lined up in a row regarding the legalities of a S.

As for taking W's stuff out and delivering it to her new place, the answer is no. Not your place to do so.

Through your stated boundary, contacting L, and going dark on W are all actions of a strong and courageous man.

I am sure Starsky will come around and share his experiences on how he made sure Mrs. Starstky paid back money that funded her affair. Very informative and enlightening that all LBS men should take note here when their wives are active in an affair with the OM.

Stay the course, buddy!

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