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Most of the people that say cheating is a dealbreaker dont know what they are talking about. It all changes when they have to deal with it.

No one should look down on you for standing for your M. You are taking the narrow path, where some would give up, you are not. I for one believe that there is no reason to not give it another chance. The only thing you lose is a little time. Keep doing what youre doing. You have a whole community of people behind you on this!


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Heart, be strong. Remember, it won't be like this forever. You MAY indeed have to change something prior to him changing something, but that doesn't have to be the end. Maybe start small (different rooms at night) then I that doesn't work a separation or something. But it might be good to tell him- "its not that we can't come back from here, it's that we can't go on as we have. We both need more space to decide what to do from here." Let him know that if separate rooms doesn't give that space a more formal separation may be needed.

What's good about this is you communicate the severity of the situation without making him feel its too late. Retread chapter 1 of DR, if he gets the message like I did he may be willing to do backflips to change. But you take incrementally small steps away slowly so there are no ultimatums or emotional decisions.

I dunno, I'm the LBS so again, grain of salt. But know we admire you for your strength and commitment and believe you will have a fulfilled future no matter what!!!

Vets, any feedback on my brainstorm?


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Thanks for the support, Ben! This forum had really helped me so far.

Originally Posted By: Zues126
But it might be good to tell him- "its not that we can't come back from here, it's that we can't go on as we have. We both need more space to decide what to do from here." Let him know that if separate rooms doesn't give that space a more formal separation maybe needed.


I like this idea Zues. It allows me to change the situation without completely ending things. When we've had R talks I always say that I think we can move forward stronger. He sometimes asks me randomly for confirmation that I still feel that and thanks me for not giving up. So confusing!


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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I'm struggling today. H texted quite a bit during the day yesterday, but didn't call or text at night. I miss the closeness we used to have.

He did text again this morning to check on a few things and wished me luck with a job opportunity I have. That included a few question about my thoughts on the job which I appreciated. He also conveyed that he's still struggling with a job decision of his own. I responded that I was sorry and I'm sure it's a very challenging situation for him. I wanted to say I was here if he needed to talk, but I kept it to myself. I don't want to push!

My mantra for this morning: I can't fix or decide things for him. I can only show support and validate his feelings.

I am relocating in the next few months and I don't yet know whether H is going to move with us or not. Originally he was, but now he seems unsure. The unknown is so hard. I'm going to continue working on giving him space to decide what he wants from life. This is a road he had to walk mostly alone. Because I love him, I need to respect that. Easier said than done, I know.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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Heart -

I know all too well how hard this is for you. Hang in there. The uncertain future is terrifying but it may help to remember that the future is ALWAYS uncertain....

I'm kind of jealous that you have friends to talk to about dealing with A in marriage. I'm so glad for this space, but it would be nice to have a face to face with a friend about these things. The only A stories I hear are at the hair salon where the woman leaves and takes H's money. (sigh)

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I need some advice. DR clearly says no asking about OW. The affair has been out in the open for a short time and H hasn't clearly stated that he has cut off contact. Since I told him I'd give him time, I have not brought it up. He has a company function out of town that he was originally undecided on but has now decided to attend. It requires him to travel tonight. Since Fridays are usually the bad night, I'm having some anxiety around whether OW is going with him. I have not asked. Should I bring this up or just let it be for the moment? A part of me feels like I should act like I'm comepletely fine and not even curious.

His actions have been more forthcoming and affectionate over the last day. He initiated talking on the phone during the day a few time yesterday. That hasn't happened in months. He also complimented me and has been referring to things in terms of "us" and "we". Even gave me an extra long hug and kiss this morning. The actions seem to say he's trying. Maybe I'm just reading too much into things though.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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Similar boat. H is going back to OW city for the first time since May next week. Already have the sick feeling. We had always talked about this before. Trying to hold my tongue this time.

Was just telling him one of the plans that the s and I have for next week in his absence, to which he gave me a sad face emoticon.

GAL....yes--I do have one in your absence!

Like you, things have felt different. We laughed together this morning. Really laughed. It was nice. It feels like I can still be his friend, however this whole mess ends up. I kind of had forgotten that I like him!

I guess bite your tongue if you can? Man, I am hardly the person to give advice. Just hugs.

Last edited by MLP; 07/18/14 06:10 PM.
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Ha, MLP! I'm glad he's seeing that you are GAL. I can relate to a lot of your thread. I don't want H to walk away, but I don't want to live with OW in the picture forever. It's so hard to figure out how to set appropriate boundaries. Grr..

In some of the R talks H and I have had, he's commented on my changes and will say that he'll be so mad if they aren't real. I tell him I've been making them for myself. That is true. I'm not sure if I should be acknowledging it though.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 334
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If you figure it out, Heart14, I'll be paying attention!!!

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It's been an interesting few days. I was not sure whether to bring up OW or not when H returned home from traveling. It turned out that I didn't have to initiate that conversation. He asked if he could take me on a date when he got back. I accepted and we decided to go to dinner. On the way he asked me to close my eyes and surprised me with a very thoughtful gift. He became emotional and apologized for all the hard times we've been having. He told me he wanted to recommit to our marriage and enjoy our life together again. He stated that he has broken off contact with the OW and blocked her number in his phone. I told him I need transparency and he has to tell me if they have any contact. He has agreed to those terms and showed me his phone so I could see with my own eyes that he had blocked everything.

I don't know if this stage is considered piecing or reconciling. Vets, any thoughts?

I certainly don't completely trust him yet, but I can see the effort he's putting in to ease my mind. He's calling more just to check in and is even telling me who he's emailing or texting without me asking. I'm cautiously optimistic.

I feel like this could still be a long road. I don't want to backslide from the changes I've made. I need to continue finding time to enjoy my own hobbies and spend time with friends. We were much happier as a couple when we both used to do that.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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