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You DO REALIZE, don't you?, that whether you go or not...he still doesn't want a relationship right now. And, the course of the REST of YOUR LIFE will not hinge on this one event.

He's a moot point in your life right now. You two are NOT in a relationship. You are alone. For today, that's the reality. Embrace it. No action, comment, cup of coffee, cookie or event will change this FOR TODAY. In this moment, you are completely alone, just like all of us.

And, you are ok. Just as you are today. Breathe it in and exhale. YOU ARE OK. You have been alone and have been handing it. For today, be the independent woman you want to be...you must want it or you wouldn't be here.

Tell the little girl that it will be ok, not because he will come back, but BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HER. REASSURE HER. It's ok to miss what was...but, he is no good for you today.

MM...try an experiment, just for today. Talk that little girl down off the cliff. Reassure her that she will be ok even if he never, ever comes back.

Imagine yourself at five years old...And, imagine how much energy you invest in HIM...that energy could be invested in YOU...in her. She needs you and you continue to neglect her and ignore her and try to make things right by filling that empty void with more HIM. It won't work. He is gone.

For today, he is gone...even if he is two inches away from you...he is still gone, gone, gone.

Last edited by LoisB; 07/18/14 04:17 PM.

"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Originally Posted By: makingmagic
Thanks for chiming in Starsky...

I defend my position because the facts get scrambled...so I clarify, hoping that the accurate facts might make a difference or even just to be noted properly. It is not done to disagree or argue.


It doesn't matter if YOU don't intend it to disagree or argue; if your AUDIENCE perceives it that way, you have an issue.

You do it with me, you do it with US ALL HERE, and you do it with your ex-BF/business partner, and I can ASSURE you that it drives him up the freaking wall.

Hey, you can do with it what you want. I'm just pointing it out. If your "clarifications" for "accuracy" thing is working for ya, knock yerself out. cool


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Looked up jobs at Smuckers. Feeling better. The jobs are out there. Just gotta keep truckin.

There's a great article on MSN about the true cost of Infidelity. It was a little discouraging to see the statistic that most affairs only last 6 months...that's outside of MLC-land...had to remind myself.

Read all the way to the end. There's some mention of the cost in terms of guilt and self-esteem. A former adulteress talks about her regrets. It was somewhat comforting.

Anyway, I promised to take D11 and her friend to the mall today. I'm going to plant myself at a nearby coffee shop and send out more resumes.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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OOPS! I meant to put that on MY THREAD^^^^^^^^

Sorry. Ha Ha. Kinda funny.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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MM, since I'm already here, HA!...

I've been learning a lot about the different pieces parts of our personalities and how they are formed at a very young age. In my case, I'm beginning to see how I have a FEELING SIDE...the BEHAVIOR SIDE and the EXECUTIVE/GROWN UP RATIONAL SIDE that's supposed to govern the two...

If I imagine a small Heather...cute as a BUTTON!...if I imagine myself small and a bit powerless in the world...I can easily get in touch with my feelings. She is scared a lot, as I suspect you are too...What I have been lacking in my life is a strong adult who can speak up for that feeling side and reassure myself that I can handle whatever comes. I can make decisions. I can take actions for my own good...I am able.

At some point, you must have received some message that you weren't capable of making your own decisions and that you needed to make PERFECT decisions on EVERYTHING...especially life and death stuff. And, it sounds like you perceive this man as contingent on your very life. That's simply your brain reminding you of a time when you really were dependent on someone for your own survival...in fact, that's actually a very normal response to being rejected. You have a brain that is sensing danger and is responding appropriately...this man has hurt you deeply and he is still hurting you and your brain is equating this with power. It's not necessarily love though. It may very well be just the confusion of insecurity/fear/rejection/anxiety that he now has trained in you. You are his Pavlovian dog responding to his training. He walks into a room and you become jittery. That's not love, that's a response to DANGER!

What ISN'T appropriate, however, is how you ALLOW that side of yourself to run wild. This is where you come off needy and crippled...I'm sure it drives EXBF crazy and running for the hills...but, I'm also fairly sure that a part of him likes the power he has over you. He uses it. Almost daily...And, you come here to let that poor little girl to run wild and create all kinds of havoc. She gets her fix of attention and goes back out for more.

Reign her in MM. You can do this. She needs a strong adult running the show.

EXBF is irrelevant. No one cares what kinda day he is having. Really. No one.

That little girl, however, has our full attention...She desperately needs a strong adult to keep her in check. She is like a little Helen Keller right now eating with her hands at the dinner table.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Originally Posted By: LoisB
MM, since I'm already here, HA!...

I've been learning a lot about the different pieces parts of our personalities and how they are formed at a very young age. In my case, I'm beginning to see how I have a FEELING SIDE...the BEHAVIOR SIDE and the EXECUTIVE/GROWN UP RATIONAL SIDE that's supposed to govern the two...

If I imagine a small Heather...cute as a BUTTON!...if I imagine myself small and a bit powerless in the world...I can easily get in touch with my feelings. She is scared a lot, as I suspect you are too...What I have been lacking in my life is a strong adult who can speak up for that feeling side and reassure myself that I can handle whatever comes. I can make decisions. I can take actions for my own good...I am able.

At some point, you must have received some message that you weren't capable of making your own decisions and that you needed to make PERFECT decisions on EVERYTHING...especially life and death stuff. And, it sounds like you perceive this man as contingent on your very life. That's simply your brain reminding you of a time when you really were dependent on someone for your own survival...in fact, that's actually a very normal response to being rejected. You have a brain that is sensing danger and is responding appropriately...this man has hurt you deeply and he is still hurting you and your brain is equating this with power. It's not necessarily love though. It may very well be just the confusion of insecurity/fear/rejection/anxiety that he now has trained in you. You are his Pavlovian dog responding to his training. He walks into a room and you become jittery. That's not love, that's a response to DANGER!

What ISN'T appropriate, however, is how you ALLOW that side of yourself to run wild. This is where you come off needy and crippled...I'm sure it drives EXBF crazy and running for the hills...but, I'm also fairly sure that a part of him likes the power he has over you. He uses it. Almost daily...And, you come here to let that poor little girl to run wild and create all kinds of havoc. She gets her fix of attention and goes back out for more.

Reign her in MM. You can do this. She needs a strong adult running the show.

EXBF is irrelevant. No one cares what kinda day he is having. Really. No one.

That little girl, however, has our full attention...She desperately needs a strong adult to keep her in check. She is like a little Helen Keller right now eating with her hands at the dinner table.



OK, I gotta admit . . . THAT ^^^^ is 100x better than my lame "pulling up the carrots" analogy. Brilliant stuff, LoisB. whistle whistle

And I agree with this part, especially:

Quote:
I'm sure it drives EXBF crazy and running for the hills...but, I'm also fairly sure that a part of him likes the power he has over you. He uses it. Almost daily...


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I Know, Right?!! What editor WOULDN'T WANT ME??? Duh.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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"My life coach/friend suggests: I don't think its a good idea because of where we are... I'm not comfortable going, it would feel strange.... i don't think I'm ready."

yes these are your feelings.

just because they're your feelings does not mean you need to share them with him.

of course, you can tell him this, but as Heather so clearly put it, this is what "drives EXBF crazy and running for the hills"


"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
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MM, why can't you just say, "I don't think it's a good idea.". And leave it at that, without giving a reason, or adding "at this time". If he's stupid enough to ask why, tell him, "I'm sure you will figure it out."

The point being you do not have to justify yourself.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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GM,

I loved the "clarify" bit. When D11 was 4, she became attached to the phrase "Well, actually..." She would use it at the beginning of every sentence. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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