MLC W Seeing Other Men

[Wet]

Hi Kat, I am glad you found my new therad. Thank you for the reminder to keep working on me. I've now lost 73 pounds, and I'm getting a new suit tomorrow. Nothing like a new suit to make me feel like new man.

[ForeverYoung]

"They come runnin' just as fast as they can
'Cause every girl crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man."

[kat727]

They made me think of what always got me. I love the smell of leather. My favorite scent for a guy...yep you guessed it English leather. Lol

Dress nice, walk confidently and you will get that job. That will be another step to getting back to you. Oh don't forget a firm hand shake. Nothing turns me off faster about a guy than a soggy hand shake. Makes me wonder if they shake everyone's hand that way or just mine since I am a girl. Just food for thought.

kat

[Wet]

FY, a little ZZ Top this morning. I'm digging it. And Kat "English Leather", hmmm, I'm a Dove soap and antiperspirant guy, and my W has always said she loves my clean scent...

More on Sharp Dressed Man - I left my shirt and suit coat on the back of a chair yesterday. And last night S12 puts them on, I tie a tie for him, and he is dancing around singing "I'm So Fancy". Hilarious. The suit was so big it reminded my of David Byrne of the 'Talking Heads' in his Big Suit. I love that kid!

[kat727]

Originally, I was going to ask what she liked. Then I thought ok what does Tom like because that is what you are working towards.

It sounds like you are creating great memories with your son. We all could use some good memories during times like this.

kat

[Wet]

Thank you Kat. You are a good encourager.

I was browsing through Cadet's resource link (one dealing with MLC and Depression) and came across two helpful posts. First, something called Masked Depression. Just about every symptom listed here is what my W is going through. Here is the description:

Then we have 'Masked Depression'. The symptoms and behavioral problems listed have sometimes been referred to as masked depression. They are: chronic aches and pains, compulsive social activities: party-going, dating, avoidance of being alone, workaholism, and thrill seeking. These are all behaviors designed to keep someone from feeling depressed. We have impulse-control problems: rage attacks, sexual compulsions, shoplifting and gambling. Repeated accidents and multiple surgeries for vague complaints.

[Wet]

The second post I found very helpful, again from Cadets' resource links (MLC and Depression) deals with the my original question - why would my W not just have one OM, but many other men? Here is what I think is a helpful response:

"….If you can get your hands on a book called "The Half-Empty Heart" by Alan Downs, Ph.D, it will help explain some of what your wife is feeling and expressing to you. You see, as a child, your wife's feelings were not validated by the people who were suppose to have loved her. She was stunted at an age whereby she must go back to in order to grow up. She has probably suffered from a chronic depression most of her life called dysthmia or as the writer coined it "chronic discontent". According to the author, the person may have chronic discontent for years and then something will trigger the major blow up and that when I feel the mlc hits. According to him, with chronic discontent, they feel anger, guilt and shame. These are the exact same emotions that the mlcer is feeling. They tend to be excited and happy for a short period of time w/something new and then toss it aside after just a few weeks. They find excuses to switch jobs, lovers, etc. He also states that they live in a gray fog that lulls the pleasure of their every experience. No matter what they try, whether relationships, trips, or hobbies--given enough time--everything eventually leaves them feeling unsatisfied and unfulfilled. This explains why she may have more than one OM. She is searching for something to ease her pain and provide her w/pleasure in her life. I really do think that this book would help you to better understand what she's trying to tell you about her feelings towards you right now. It's not about you at all, but very much about her and her unresolved childhood issues. Until she has gone back completely to the time she was "stunted", she will remain in mlc. She must be allowed to make the complete passage in order to come out a whole, mature woman. BTW, depression stays w/them throughout the crisis until acceptance. What you are seeing is the "mild" depression right now. When she completes replay and enters the stage of depression/withdrawal, it will be one of the worse depressions you will ever witness. ... The only stage that actually gets lost in the process is the denial stage (stage 1). She will bounce back and forth through anger, replay, depression and withdrawal. Once her issues have been resolved and she can accept things the way they are, she will then move on to acceptance. The most important thing for you now is to focus on yourself. If you have conversations w/her, stay upbeat, kind and courteous to her, be her friend, no expectations. She is at a stage whereby she can't take much pressure from you right now. Give her all of the space that she can handle. Drop the crumbs of friendship and I promise you, she'll continue to come to you."

This shows me that there are others out there facing the same thing I am going through. As the old saying goes, "there is nothing new under the sun."

[AJM]

If it helps Wet, my MLCr left the first time on Mother's day, leaving me and (at the time) my 10 and 13 year old at the house. There are many more strange things she doesn't even seem to remember now. They do strange things.

I'm curious about this though:

She has recently been reaching out to me, including telling me she "loves" me a week ago last Tuesday. Until I snooped her phone the following day and discovered the extent of her infidelity.

You don't snoop, but do snoop the phone?? Hmm.. that's a recipe for disaster if you ask me.

And its been my experience that the MLCr does love you, but needs to do the things they are doing. Even at the expense of the relationship. It is that important.

What they do? Drink to excess, sleep around, skydive, run marathons, etc? Whatever is opposite of what they did before seems fair game.

What's not really fair is that they try to leave you on a hook. I don't think they do that maliciously. Rather, they don't want to hurt you/they want to hurt you. It's mixed up for them.

Fairness won't be a word you should use very often. Just so you know

Boundaries on the other hand, are something you should understand about yourself. I strongly suggest you figure out those boundaries. Which ones are critical and worth dying for and which ones are just ego talking. Take the quiet time to figure those out. They'll be more and more important as time progresses.

As the others mention, unless and until she figures herself out, there's nothing to do but NOT watch. I stress that not watch because it can be like watching a train wreck in slow-motion. It won't change the outcome for her, but it may destroy you.

Some things to think about. We've all walked a mile in your shoes. Personally, I wish you had larger shoes...

AJ

[Wet]

Ouch, AJM, Mother's Day really?! Yes, I snooped when my actions of being her doormat/bestest nice guy friend for her, put me in a horrible situation, and almost into a fist fight on one of her boyfriend's driveways (it's not a great story, but if interested check my previous thread and my post on July 9-10)). Which led me to snoop her phone that night on July 9th, see what I was facing, and then with the horrors I saw, going LRT on July 10th. Since then I am not snooping.

Thanks for the comments that I am not in this alone, and that we are all facing our own individual battles. And that there is nothing fair in what we are facing, that I need to establish boundaries, and that I should NOT watch what she is going through. Message received.

OK, a little mess-up today. My W was late in picking up S12 where she was taking him to a graduation party. Because she was running late, she called to ask me to have "Tom" waiting for her outside. My name is "Tom", and it is not my S's name. So when she asked to have the child ready and waiting, I couldn't help but be charming. I told her one of the children would be ready when she came, and this made her burst out laughing. That is one of the things I am good at, making her laugh. Freudian slip on her part, asking to have me waiting for her when she came? Hmmmm...

[AJM]

Like I said, you're not alone. I almost killed a couple of the guys and darn near blew apart a family that she was messing with the guy. Fortunately, I have better control then that and I was talked down off the ledge by my pastor. Otherwise, several local men would not be walking today.

Since she left, she's been worse. She remarried a few months after the divorce was final and her "monkey" has been less than stable. He does support her efforts to blame me though, so maybe that's something?

Seriously, look to the long-term. Remaining her friend is a helpful thing. Snooping is not. Getting into an altercation with some of the less than stellar people she's hanging around with right now, won't help in the long run. By won't help, I mean it won't help you.

My ex's response to controlling my behavior? She figured me for pathetic. But looking at the bigger picture, this is the same woman who said she never loved me, told me I deserved better than her, walked out on her kids, accused me of cheating, and eventually said she never said or did some of those things. Called me crazy for suggesting it. See the picture?

If you're able to find a way to be friends, it really is helpful. If you can't, and have to remain dark, then do so. There is nothing wrong with either approach, no matter what you hear. This time is YOURS. It's not what you asked for, but it is what is. She has to walk her walk and figure herself out. She'll say things that sting. Or do things that sting. A lot like a small child would do. But if you look to the longer term picture, it'll help your emotional well-being while you live YOUR life.

She may or may not figure things out. Even if she does, she may not come back to a relationship beyond friendship. But you do love her right? You want what's best for her, right? Even if you don't agree, right?

As long as it doesn't cross a boundary (and you'll find out what you will and won't accept in short order) or hurt your kids (beyond the obvious), then stand down and let her take her journey. She either figures it out or not, but you can't really help beyond being there for her according to your ability. And that's what your action is vs. snooping.

Ya see what I'm saying?

AJ