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#2470048 07/17/14 10:54 PM
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Hi All,

My prior thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2468975&page=1

I have not seen the subject of an MLC W who sees not just one OM, but multiple other men. She is going out with other men most nights, and during this time she has gone through a "slutty period" (her words).

Does anyone have any thoughts on whether it is easier to come out of a MLC with a single man or when seeing multiple men? She has seen other men since this past January so going on 7 months.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Hi Wet, welcome to our little neck of hell...not really. It gets better. Really.

I'm sorry you are here, but you will find a lot of support.

I'm sure Cadet will be along soon with your homework. If you want to get started, take a look at the top threads...namely the one "Resources in One Thread."

I think the Going Dark thread is the first homework assignment.

As far as hedging bets on how or when your W will "snap" outta it...I'm sorry but there's really no rhyme or reason. You will learn that they follow similar scripts when they drag us along this journey, but there just aren't any indicators that help give a prognosis.

Just know that she would have behaved this way no matter had you been married to her or not. You coulda been the world's most amazing husband and she would still feel she "needs" to explore other options.

She is a teenager right now. Don't spend too much time reading into what she does or doesn't do. Focus on yourself and use this time to become a man only a fool would leave. Whether your marriage survives or not...you WILL BE OK. :-)


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hi Wet. What made you come up with that name?

My W and I are about the same ages as you and your W. We've been married 31 years, dealing with crisis for 2.5 years. We have no kids. (we're waiting for the right time, hehee)

Your W will not "come out of MLC" until she decides to look within for answers, instead of to outside sources. So, I agree with Heather... the multi OM thing could go either way... speed the process or slow it down. Best to stand far away and not focus on the train wreck.

I see you guys have been separated for a year. After reading your first thread I agree that your W is in crisis, so you've entered the correct forum. If you've been doing your homework you understand this will likely be a long ride. When do you suspect her crisis started?


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Thanks Lois (or is it Heather?) and FY,

FY, you asked when my W started her MLC. It may have been 3 1/2 years ago when she got gastric bypass surgery. It was for sure by January 2013 when house is going thru foreclosure and she travels to NY with D18, and I asked to go with them, and she wouldn't let me. When she came back she bought a red 2000 Jaguar.

While separated, in March 2014, she sold our wedding ring and had tummy tuck surgery.

She has recently been reaching out to me, including telling me she "loves" me a week ago last Tuesday. Until I snooped her phone the following day and discovered the extent of her infidelity. Lois you are dead on, she is dating like a teenager.

I raise the topic of whether it is easier to get out of MLC if MLCer is dating many others compared to one OM, because I'm a guy, and I want to try and get my head around the topic of how a committed, good, moral woman suddenly turns into a tramp. It makes more sense to me if there was just one OM. But the 48 year old W having casual sex with others doesn't make sense to me, or seem to hold that much appeal.

And yes, I am using LRT.

Last edited by Wet; 07/18/14 12:11 PM.

Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Hi Wet and welcome,
It sounds to me the reason she is doing what she is is because the MLC is going back and "replaying" a time in their lives that they feel they somehow missed out on or didn't go the way they wanted. You talked about gastric bypass...did she have a weight problem in the past? Maybe she felt that she missed out on being young and "thin" and felt she didn't get enough attention from men. The weight loss, surgery, etc. is very common in MLC as well. My W now weighs less than when we got married 20+ years ago! She, like your W is "replaying" a time in her life that she felt cheated out of.

It sounds to me that she doesn't like who she is right now very much either. How long it takes her to get through this depends on how long it takes her to go through the stages of MLC (if you haven't already, you need to read up on here about the different stages). Either way, you are in for a long period of her acting out.

You need to detach from her. Learn to have no expectations and GAL separate from her. You do this for you. Your W is on a journey to relive some part of her life. Until she is able to reintegrate and become whole again, there isn't much you can do. Hang in there. Become the best wet you can. Use this time wisely. Your old W and M are gone forever but if your W can get through the tunnel you may be able to have an even better R than you did before this all started.

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

The link for the resources:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1539436#Post1539436

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=67406&page=1

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...6668#Post526668

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=714209

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

Odds and Ends of MLC(new from Delboy)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=656357#Post656357

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template
which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively.
It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena).
So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process.
(Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; 07/18/14 01:56 PM.

Me-70, D37,S36
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Thanks Matt and Cadet,

I have been on this site for 6 weeks. This is my second thread, and so yes, I have read and continue to review DR and most of the previous threads Cadet provided (the AmyC thread was a new one for me, I appreciate it.)

My W and I have always been friends, even thru the separation. Which is why I am hoping that my telling her that I am no longer her friend over a week ago, and not communicating with her except for a few texts about the children, has an impact. I am detached, I am not snooping, I have dropped the rope, and am moving on with my own life.

Another reason why I bring up this topic and am trying to better understand what my W is going thru, is that I am also deciding whether or not fighting for my marriage is worth it. I am willing to do whatever it takes (here using the LRT)to help her get thru her MLC, because I know the pain she must be going thru, and I still love her. But I not sure I can continue with this pain that I am going thru much longer. As everyone here knows, the pain is unbearable.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 2,077
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Originally Posted By: Wet
My W and I have always been friends, even thru the separation.


My W and I have remained friends too. I see this as a positive thing for the M. Many are not as fortunate.

Quote:
Another reason why I bring up this topic and am trying to better understand what my W is going thru, is that I am also deciding whether or not fighting for my marriage is worth it. I am willing to do whatever it takes (here using the LRT)to help her get thru her MLC, because I know the pain she must be going thru, and I still love her. But I not sure I can continue with this pain that I am going thru much longer. As everyone here knows, the pain is unbearable.


Understanding what she is going through is good. It will help you to have compassion for her. I'm convinced that as hard as this is on us, it's way worse for them. I never thought I'd make it a year, now lookie me! It really does get easier if you follow the DB plan.

Don't get ahead of yourself. You don't have to decide now if "fighting for your marriage is worth it". Live each day as it comes and you'll know without a doubt if the time ever comes to stop fighting.

Oh, and seeing Cadet's latest links reminds me I need to go back and check some of those out. Thanks, Cadet!


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Thanks FY, I was in a down mood when I wrote my post. Your understanding and encouragement is helpful. It is the first weekend that W has her new condo that she moved into, without any of the children being there. I have S12, D18 traveled out east for school, and D17 is in Argentina for student exchange. And yes, the hamster wheel of my mind was going to places it shouldn't.

I know that I will have a better weekend with my S than anything that my W does. He makes me smile, my Mom gave him a complete set of baseball cards, and I was a bb card collector growing up so watching him gives me some good memories.

And oh yes, I just got a call setting up a job interview for next week. Hope is a good thing.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 10,326
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Keeping busy is good but so is working on you. I am reminded go Liam Neeson. When is wife died, he kept himself very busy. However he wasn't allowing himself to grieve and thus heal. It was a tradgedy to be sure, but something we can all learn from.

kat


Me-53(and learning!)
S24, S21, D18, D17
Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
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