"Speak Softly": The Amoeba Whisperer!

[pbetra]

I had a marriage counselor justify my H's cheating by saying that to me. He was getting his needs met. I was livid.

No. An affair is emotional abuse. Period.

We all go with unmet needs from time-to-time. That's marriage...kids, bills, jobs, etc...

Ans:Yup, that's marriage & being a grown up - understanding that it isn't "perfect." Agree!!

If he was unhappy in the marriage, then he coulda gotten OUT of the marriage and THEN found another mate. He didn't. He chose to disrespect me and dishonor our children by cheating while still within the bounds of marriage.

Ans:I cannot express how emphatically (!) I agree w/you re bold immediately above. Within the last 5 years when the problems began excalating re: H (more $$ strain re recession), my H went through a 'sulky' period. Earlier this year after the bomb, I asked the same, do you want R? He never answered, just chose to cheat & treat me badly. He didn't 'bite' with both incidents, didn't want to entertain it. Too much to get into here - anyway you will also recall C. Brinkley's M to French biz man I believe, another cake eater - they don't 'walk the talk'.

Sorry, this really gets me going. It's like blaming a rape victim.

It's emotionally abusive to cheat on your spouse. It just is. It's abandoning a relationship and partner BEFORE you give them any chance to mend what's wrong.

This woman also thinks this is our fault, link below - 'Extra-marital sex is a release for men, not a betrayal'.' (whoa!!! - link below)

It's an interesting read/'take' for sure. She has some 'valid' points - however, at the end of the day, I believe it's is all about BAGGAGE. Although her arguement is thought provoking, I read somewhere (can't remember w., have been reading so much!!!) that there is a very small percentage of truly 'functional families', most are dysfunctional but to varying degrees (this we already know, right?). Secured people wouldn't need to express that 'haunted, restless void' elsewhere, they would reach out to each other - communicate needs effectively, get help, & proceed to 'grow up' (!!) together - while occasionally revisiting issues too!

However, the real catch is that the majority of us have been hurt on some level in childhood. "To err is human" ... Our parents parented us, but they were still growing up themselves (we never stop emotionally maturing, do we?). They continued growing up through each different stage in their lives, but doing so while taking their baggage from one life transition to the next. It's no wonder the world has so many dysfunctioning families. So like Lois - I agree. Something was not right for the cheater deep down inside (in sitch excluding R where folks are simply not compatible/other variables of course). Its just that her statement is too general. "Baggage" lots of baggage means the individual with eventually fall -

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/articl...-man-happy.html

Just going through this thread GoatGal (!) & your progress . Will continue now - just 'had to' stop here! p.

[pbetra]

GG like so many,
I can relate to some aspects of your experiences. What a ride you have been on (& continue with). When I think of my sitch (15 yrs), I think that the duration of your own certainly makes it more challenging for you. It was great to read of your dancing!!

From your post, you were rather isolated as well & this contributed to your constantly thinking about your h. I am not as isolated but a bit homebound & don't know many people here in my new home. It hit hard particularly in the beginning (the isolation which is 'cured' by being with the only one you know there).

Your DB approach is obviously working - it's a long haul but one we must all take cautiously! It would do us good eventually. Keep dancing ! p.

[nero]

hey hi-

i just wanted to say wow and i'll be back later to reply. i just wrote you a big long bunch of crappola (uh hem important observations) - but God apparently thought it sh ould go to the phantom zone and it did. don't ask me how i do it- lost in it's entirety. crazy fingers

ijust want to say you could be me writing this stuff. I sure feel your pain and quandry. it's a mine field we're traversing isn't it? one little step this way, one that, fingers crossed, I feel too tired for this junk most days. well, one more day,

almost allll of it. i'll be back. gotta walk before sun gets hi or another day lost. how did we live with them for soooolong and be sooo trusting so completely and they end up like this? i'm just sayin.... wtf

xxo

[GoatGal]

Thanks for all the feedback, fellow DBers....


I have been busy GALing and dealing with GUBU, monitoring the experiment and documenting the results.

One of my 180s has been to be less distracted by my laptop...so in keeping with that I've taken a bit of a hiatus.

But I still catch up and read at bedtime.

News to follow.... but here's a teaser:

GUBU made a trip to the bike store near where he works to get all the parts to fix my bike up for riding, which he finished for me today. (I didn't ask, he offered.)

He is now warning me about coming up into my living space, as I think he should. He no longer lives here. I think that's a sign of respect.

We are working on doing some cooperative projects--something he's always resisted, with planning and being pinned down on things.
I always thought it was passive-aggressive on his part to refuse to commit to anything, now I wonder if it's just not too much "togetherness" that bothers him---anyhow,
I am using my best DB language to try and set it up so we can actually get some projects completed... reasonably.

He tends not to think things through, I decided that rather than point this out as a shortcoming of his (!!!) I'd just say: "In order for me to do my part I need to have a plan and be able to work cooperatively... compromise... yadda, yadda, yadda...."

Although it annoys me that I have to pussy-foot around the issue of his inability to plan ahead and work together towards a common goal, I decided that it is a test of my "people skills" to frame it in a way where he would not feel "trapped" and so far, he's been on board.

There is a LOT of ego-stroking that I have to do, more than I'd like for the main man in my life, but I get that it comes with the territory.

So I'm validating and love-language-ing my way along. Big time.

And when he is not here, I am GALing big time. I ask no questions, I offer no info, I'm sticking with the plan.

========================

I know in my heart that he knows this too:
He would be very lucky indeed to find another woman like me for so many reasons.


I am the spouse he would be a fool to leave.

If he does push this divorce through, he is truly a fool and he will live to regret it.
Just like all his (former) male friends his age who dumped their "less than perfect" wives for younger/different models.

Every one has told me they completely regret what they did, and wish they could take it back!
They are now married to women who are a far cry from what they THOUGHT was out there for them, the "fantasy" never did materialize and they didn't want to be alone, so they found someone who would be with them.

Are these men happy? Not from what I've seen.

And GUBU won't take their calls...he doesn't want to hear it.

----------------------

I'm not even going to re-read or edit this.

Tonight I'm meeting friends for dinner, then DJing another dance.
I plan to have another great evening, even if it means I have to sacrifice another night's sleep for it.


------GGG

[rayzzz]

Hey GG, I just wanted to say I like you and I like how your mind works. And I like your DJing...ok I imagine I would like your DJing cause I am sure you throw in some ukulele pop numbers with Lady Ga Ga...which would be intriguing and hard to dance to!

ok now onto my 3cents worth (seriously that extra penny makes all the difference)

I am the spouse he would be a fool to leave.

If he does push this divorce through, he is truly a fool and he will live to regret it.
Just like all his (former) male friends his age who dumped their "less than perfect" wives for younger/different models.

Every one has told me they completely regret what they did, and wish they could take it back!
They are now married to women who are a far cry from what they THOUGHT was out there for them, the "fantasy" never did materialize and they didn't want to be alone, so they found someone who would be with them.

Are these men happy? Not from what I've seen.

And GUBU won't take their calls...he doesn't want to hear it.

I never tire of hearing how you just toss back your hair, flex the sex ( don't know what that means but it just rolls off the tongue nice!) and state the glaring truth that you are more than worth your weight in Wonderwoman gold. Gubu just needs to quit playing with the paperdolls that aren't worth anything and can get lost in the wind as they are without substance. oh. ALso if they get wet they are ruined. Or fire reduces them to ashes. ok enough of my beautiful imagery.
Your voice is beautiful (not just singing!) and it just gets stronger and stronger as your new you just flashes across your world and the db forum here.Pitch perfect! Its a pleasure to see you mature in this and you really inspire me =D

So on your side as always, batarangs ready. Keep at it GGG

[nero]

hey hi-

i love your certainty. I have my moments of it- reading your list of what you KNOW - i agree as well. will h ever know it? before he wrecks his own life - idk.

I hear you echo me in so many thoughts- i 'm wondering if it's the longevity here. I am waivering tho- i can feel it happening. i began more "bleeding" for sure- but more sure of what h was/is. now, i may be - uh hem - wrong. perhaps i've been wrong" about him and everyone my entire life? all along - one has to wonder.

One of my 180s has been to be less distracted by my laptop...so in keeping with that I've taken a bit of a hiatus.

cripes - me too. this forum & people saved me for sure- now, i am trying to "not talk about it all" and not think about it all- and that laptop sitting there [censored] me in and over. i'm trying to keep away from it - i rant way too much and all it does is reopen all the old wounds.

i wonder if it's okay to just let it all go without ever really knowing or understanding or "fixing" or somehow "slotting" it all. that's me - i want it all labled for future reference and tucked in it's own little pigeon-hole. i have no lables or ability to do it with all this junk of past bunch of years.

could it really be as simple as "do you want to know this new guy or not" . would you even want to love him? or would you ever be able to trust him? and is that a deal breaker? not that i'm being invited to do so - mind you.

he just does not GO totally or demand that i do. he does pay the bills- huge. he does come back "because he enjoys my company" so he says???... he sure does not tell me what i want to hear- on other hand- he doesn't bash me on the head with what I don't want to hear. stalled? some days i don't give a darn what it is- just leave me be

idk- he's being v nice, little trips, pleasant companion- not crabby & critical & bossy. just a bit wierd now - after i see, in retrospect, lots of years of being crabby and solitary an so on. i wsa such a trusting & loving gal- i see now what a doofis i was too - what a selfish jerk and here's me doh de doh being "trusting" - i shudder to think of my blindness.

amazing what i'd become used to- looking back- the things i see now tht i never attached huge importance to. sure woulda been nice to have a r with someone that actually communicated instead of the awful way this all play3d out- - -

now, computer or person - if i don't talk about it- i'm alot more neutral and not thinking about "it". a good thing i think . how long can i keep the "memory alive" - perhaps i'm just letting go of my past more than ever. ?? i find the couple girlfriends that really want to "talk" it over and so forth- i end up feeling badly and all icky allover again when we're done. clouds my whole day- dragging me back into those awful feelings-

is it gal-ing? or copping out if i just leave it out of my mind now as much as possible? i don't feel all forgivie- i don't feel like "keepin" it alive anymore. like reliving an awful illness or something terrible.

i'm with you- the pussy footing when they're the nutballs is old - but i still mwd is right on the mark with her observations about this stuff.

i've been dbing i think for 3 or 4 years- he's asking me this mornnig for ideas & help with re-doing the outside of the house?!!, new sprinkler, walks, garden, pool? etc. surprises me- he's such a power freak- can't even believe he wants input. ineresting- who is this man?

i constantly wonder. where is old guy- did he exist- does it matter?? (i think so tho) , who is this new guy and is he worth even thinking of loving? (maybe not) is he worthy (liatr?) etc.

ya gotta wonder. maybe it's like coming home after a total mental breakdown - are ya same (on drugs) or are you totally different person whose being controlled by the drugs, etc.

no drugs involved- but huge questions aabout eactly who and what this new person is.

oh well- i'm makin myself tired- work to do

hopeyour day is good.

i'm jealous of your going out and dancin- i'm doin more-i can't figure otu when i'm down here- what the stinkin strategy is supposed to be. detached okay, nice but not mushy - okay; nice but not bending over backward - okay.

available? , i see friends & pick up neiced kids to play in agfternoons. they're a bit wacky- but i enjoy them a heck of alot and need the laughs and huggs - ALOT...

i always know about ow in the background somewhere. i don't see a sigh of her around here (i kn ow she comes here) - so, things calm or pleasant- BUT know about the dark undercurrents out there -

recipe for exhaustion huh? maybe a nap??

xxo My beacon may be shining , but the ole lighthouse is on rocks slowly sinking i think- sometimes goes under- in the hands of God i guess- i truly do not know much about it at all anymore. me or him

[GoatGal]

Still here, still processing, still in quiet mode.

Never fear, I am keeping tabs on all of you!

--GGG

[Wonka]

GGG,

I am seriously deprived of my morning funnies! C'mon on out whenever you're ready... I have my patience shovel with me and I can wait this out.

[Shining]

I often read your thread before I first posted...you crack me up. I'm with Wonka XD.

Take a time-out to take care of YOU, but know you're thought of and missed!!!

What's a patience shovel?? Where can I get one?

[artsy]

^^^^ LOL! Get in line, Shining! I've got mine on order!