OK, so I have dropped the rope as much as possible, gone as dark as I feel comfortable with, kept all interactions pleasant and upbeat.
This has been a good six weeks now.
If anything, I do not feel pursuit from him.
I see him mirroring my distancing. The whole dating site profile, no longer contacting me except for the most basic stuff--- I really felt him reaching out to me a few weeks back but I didn't respond beyond just being pleasant and brief.
I left for my trip and for the first time he didn't ask me to let him know I arrived safely, didn't text "are you there yet?" or anything.
In fact, he seemed very self-absorbed. ---------------------------------- I've gone dark. He has gone darker.
Our history has neither of us as pursuer.
I think in some ways we'd pursue and distance in different ways at different times. He would call me a lot, I'd rarely pick up the phone. I preferred to talk in person.
I'd try and pin him down for some face time and he acted put out. --------------------------
I don't know if I'm reading too much into this, but it feels like he's giving up on me. (Not an assertive man, he said he wanted to "move on" and for me to "let him go" but he never said he wanted ME to "move on"!)
Thoughts?
I'm stressing a bit. I feel like I should call him...
You'd think if he saw me moving on he'd act in some way.
But instead I *think* he figures it's over.
We were a lot closer weeks ago, calling and texting, laughing and hanging out a bit.
Now he's looking for companionship elsewhere, and I KNOW this is very recent from the bank/credit/phone charges.
The last thing I want to do us drive him away and I strongly feel that's what's happening.
I'm not sure how to proceed.
I don't want crumbs and I don't want to be in the "friend zone", but I haven't been available at all to even be friendly.
What to do?
----GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Just thinking that my distancing has backfired on me.
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Well, I called. I actually have a legit question about something my car is doing.
(I know, I know. Don't want to take it to a garage out of state if I don't have to.)
I left a friendly, upbeat VM... We shall see.
To be honest, sometimes I miss the subtle signals so DBing is a real challenge.
But I feel there was a window where he was reaching out and testing the waters, really upped the communication... And I think I may have inadvertently shot him down, being so focused on being dark.
I think there's a fine line to walk between keeping my boundaries vs. leading him to believe he hasn't a chance in hell of ever getting me back.
------GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
This isn't a crisis...although it may feel like it to you. Going away is good for YOU.
You've done dark for a while which has been good for your PMA and GAL activities. Enjoy the hotel bed and quiet a bit longer because, before you know it, you'll be greeted with noises early in the morning!
My suggestion is to mix things up a bit when you return back home. A bit of friendly chat.
At some point, you are going have to have some R talk. It cannot go on indefinitely without any R talk. You'll know when you ready for the talk. It doesn't have to be a loooong talk, but some short bursts. You'll be able to gauge where H is at in regard to "relationships."
Please keep in mind that H is still on planet MLC and trying out different personas like a teenager. Very much into replay at this stage.
H is a kitty kitten MLCer with an odd, sexual twist that HE must resolve himself at some point.
On a lighter note, this is what I wanted to post last night after the dance:
"Lady! Put the Boy Toy down GENTLY and slowly back away to a safe distance. The Bomb Squad will be here shortly to disarm the device..."
And I listened. It wasn't even that hard.
OK. It was a little hard because I have not had any love in years. And that statement coming from a woman who would have described herself as "happily married" (mostly) is a sad commentary indeed.
*sigh*
----GGG
(Feeling lonely and wondering why I should be enduring it one minute longer.)
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I feel like any talk is going to end with him saying,
" I want a divorce and no, I'm not going to tell you why."
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
It doesn't have to be a BIG R talk, GGG. You can briefly mention that you notice there's some distance and you'd like to hear H's thoughts on this. Very lightweight test to determine where H's head is at. The distance is something you can own up too as well. It is not necessarily all on H.
Perhaps you can start with some joint activities that you enjoy such as riding bikes.
At this point I think any R talk is way premature.
Of course there's distance. We're "getting divorced"! (Either one of us could say that at this point.)
That's where it is now. Hopefully that will change.
Things have been happening with him for sure. I've seen more cycling in the last few weeks than I have since all this started.
I've finally seen him really break down and cry over our dog, try really hard to push my buttons and wield his power over me, trying to bait me, alternating with being distant and distracted. Statements about not being happy, being lonely... This is all pretty new. Before it was "If I get away from YOU I'll be happy." This, plus the mystery "appointment", the bizarre dating profile. (Still anonymous with no picture.)
I have not personally spoken to the little boy or the teenager lately, but clearly they're still in there!
So I guess I'll hang tight.
Maybe mix it up a bit. Still stay dark but be a little more available... with the occasional call. We seem to do better when we're around each other more.
Maybe a bike ride if he gets mine tuned up.
It's like he's super sensitive and his feelings are hurt that I'm not "trying to patch things up".
But I'm not the one who ripped our M apart...
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Maybe mix it up a bit. Still stay dark but be a little more available... with the occasional call. We seem to do better when we're around each other more.
Maybe a bike ride if he gets mine tuned up.
^^ sounds like a good plan, GG! Do what works and ditch others that are cheeseless tunnels.
