34: Holding my ground ... continued

[Matt165]

LISTEN TO SANDI!!!!!

[makingmagic]

ok... this has been weighing on me all day.

I would like to make a decision... and stick to it... based on MY feeling, not what he thinks or might feel. I do want it to be my decision.... MINE.

Earlier, when I made a decision... I feel I was told that I was doing it for the reaction. This held me back... as it was part true <<<< but not 100% true. It may be part true, but not wholly. I was deciding based on MY feeling but worried about what the other posters were saying/thought, as well as HIM too... and that was altering my decision. I felt I was not able to stand behind my decision, because I was being judged.

I am going to go with my initial response... to say NO. No, because I am not ready to be a friend. Honestly, I am too involved/interested in him.... & am still trying to drop the rope (not for his reaction), but because it is healthy for me to pull away from him. Just because I still worry about his response DOES NOT mean that it was/is my sole reason for doing so. It was actually a small part of my equation.

Yes Matt... I do hope that "ONE day" he will come around. This is the little bit of hope, I am placing on a shelf. However, you and everyone are right... I keep thinking that each & every thing he does, is an attempt at coming back. I keep working on my detachment... but I do get tripped up by his gestures. It would be easier if he didn't make offers.... I do understand the concept to move on with my life (but keep a window open)... I just keep thinking that these offers of hanging out, etc, is him climbing in the window... and I am afraid to not recognize the effort. Fearing that he will give up because "he tried".

I understand that I need to not be available, because I am not available.. not for the reaction... but, I can't help but be curious of his reaction...when he is displaying one. I am not EXPECTING ONE.. at all.. just surprised that I get one at all. And of course, that makes me happy.

I don't understand why "I don't think its a good idea, right now"... is a bad thing to say... I thought it was good & suggests that "maybe later" might be a better time (after he is finished his MLC!!)

When I ask which of these 3 things should I say.. is NOT for the reaction... its because I am that scared! I don't want any 2x4's!! I am trying to state the right thing that I want to say for me & appease everyone here...so that I can feel good about my decision. IF you don't like what I was going to say...please tell me what you would say! I am not doing it to make him feel bad, manipulated etc... its just what I thought was the right way to say what I was saying. Thanks for suggesting it comes across as manipulative.

I do understand that I need to not care about what others think... but everyone has an opinion and I am trying to do what is right....for me. This is a new behaviour for me. A 180. But, I still feel like I need to defend myself.

Matt, you ask... if he wasn't at the party, would I still go? Firstly, I was not invited on my own.. Would I go.. for sure!! I love his family. Secondly, you ask if I am going because of him... truthfully, yes.. that too! Yes, I would love to continue relationships, but at this time it does seem difficult to do..... so, how does all this equate? (see my confusion?)

OK... tossing my hands in the air... not caring what he thinks why I am not going. I am not going because we are not in a relationship & I am not ready to be "friendly". I cannot be friendly yet, because I still want more from him and I need to do what is right for me. If this makes him pull away further from me... then so be it (I guess),.... because if he ever truly wants me he will make more of an effort. If he doesn't, that speaks volumes as well.

Ken... I will DO THIS/say this through ACTIONS.....thank you. As for the "buffer" its partly true, he doesn't want me to "think" its a "date".... but its also a way that he feels he can attract me to go. He can go to that work party by himself... and so can I.... He is asking if my DD can drive us ... together, so we can drink (attraction) & because he thinks we should be there (excuse... he never cared before).

Matt... if I showed up at that party, his family would question what's up!! Appearances!! Also, we purchased another car for my DD tonight... my DD posts it online & his cousin writes back.. "does this mean they are back together?".... see? sheesh!

Starsky... thanks... OK... he is not entitled to a reason. This is a new concept to me. What would you say then?

Sandi... thank you... I do need for my goal to not be what he thinks or feels. Thank you!

~~~~~~~~~~

Also, he was pretty happy today... apparently the other offer on the property is expired as of today. I believe tomorrow he gets to present his offers. He seems relieved.

[makingmagic]

I do listen... I get a variety of advice & I do listen. I may post ALOT, but I do listen. I may be told OFTEN, but I do listen..... where am I disagreeing?

Him not being entitled to a reason, IS a new concept to me... as I am still not used to saying "NO"... AND, without reason.

The point of me posting that he was happy was that he is finally able to make his offer (the RE offer that he feels will fix all his problems)... this affects me!! It was not about HIM!

Gabby, if you are going to post just to be mean...please don't.

I am doing my best.

[Starsky309]

You listen, Magic, but you do not hear.

And then you disagree, and justify, and defend your position and your instincts. If those positions and instincts worked, you wouldn't be here. You're here because you want more (and realize you DESERVE more) than Mr. Can't Commit can give to you, and because you realize that you have some serious co-dependency issues as it relates to him.

So why not stop ARGUING with us, and maybe really LISTEN -- and HEAR -- what we're saying, and apply it?

You've asked me several times "Please teach me the way you taught Pearlharbr." While I can't say that we NEVER disagreed, I can tell you for a fact that I didn't have 1/100th of the frustration and resistance from her that I feel from you here every day.

As I told my son when I finally quit being his flag football coach, after the season, "You're uncoachable."


Starsky

[makingmagic]

Thanks for chiming in Starsky...

I defend my position because the facts get scrambled...so I clarify, hoping that the accurate facts might make a difference or even just to be noted properly. It is not done to disagree or argue.

I am not resisting.... I am a good student. I am doing EXACTLY what is being advised to do. If I wasn't, I would not have made the changes 4 weeks ago. I still stumble along the way, but I have not changed my direction.

I still struggle & may not understand what it is I am doing or why. I get confused & my heart jumps into the mix/confusion.....but this is not me arguing or disagreeing... Im still listening.... and my actions prove it.

[Georgiabelle]

MM,
What's wrong with saying "thanks for the invite. However, I can't attend." If that sounds too formal, then how about "I can't. Thanks for the invite." I doubt xbf cares why. Then sashay off and enjoy the day.

[makingmagic]

thanks G'belle. Thanks for your simple suggestions. It can be that simple. I know.

My life coach/friend suggests: I don't think its a good idea because of where we are... I'm not comfortable going, it would feel strange.... i don't think I'm ready.

^^^^ truthful statements. She sees it as communicating my feelings. Being honest without divulging too much.

I like ..... "I don't think its a good idea because of where we are"... I might say this!

Also, I don't know how to respond, when he hasn't asked again.... I said I would let him know & now I do not know how to bring it up.

[LoisB]

Welcome to the Walking Dead GM! You were ignored. What MM doesn't want to hear...MM ignores.

Join the club, we have jackets. :-)

How does one Detach???

She creates a life WITHOUT HIM IN IT. SHE HONORS HIS DECISION TO END THE RELATIONSHIP AND SHE MOVES ON WITHOUT HIM. SHE DOES WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO IN ORDER TO GET ON WITH HER LIFE....WITHOUT HIM. NOT WITH HIM...WITHOUT HIM.

A simple program for complicated people.

GM, I loved this:

And who really cares if he was happy today?

Not me.

[makingmagic]

I didn't ignore anyone Heather... I was letting it resonate. I was asked to not respond immediately... and so when I do... you assume that I am ignoring.


Gabby... I get that.

Heather: "SHE DOES WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO IN ORDER TO GET ON WITH HER LIFE....WITHOUT HIM. NOT WITH HIM...WITHOUT HIM."..... this is WHY I am not going.

See... listened again!

[LoisB]

MM REALLY LISTENING/HEARING + ACTION = New life for MM. :-)

So, one question for YOU.

Are you going to the party? YES OR NO. Don't even try to give some lengthy explanation. Just answer Y or N. Simple.

KEEP IT SIMPLE.