So here's a question... What can you all remember about your relationships that is good, that you really really value, that is special to the spouse for whom you're standing? Is there one thing, or is it the fact of marriage and shared history itself that you stand for? Is it hope that the relationship could be something special and precious, rebuilt properly?
I have friends and family members in strong marriages. They have their weak spots but they also spend fun time together, plan trips and they future together, have joint goals for which they work -- together... You see where I'm going with this?
What am I standing for? When I would do research on homemaking or parenting, and try to implement it, H would criticize for not trusting my own judgment more rather than appreciate that I was working to do better in my role. If i so much as wanted help making meal plans, he would get frustrated and tell me to just plan as I went. If I wanted to plan a trip he would tell me to wait till the kids were older/we had more money/the moon was blue, whatever. We NEVER made plans for the future. If I wanted to talk about what we wanted in five or ten years time he would get grumpy and shut me down. In the evenings he would play his games and watch his shows and never even be concerned if I had a show I wanted to watch or whatever. If I snapped and ASKED to watch a show then he would go piddle on the computer till it was over because it wasn't something HE wanted to watch.
Life without him is so much more relaxed. I can cook a meal without him complaining the stove isn't the temperature he thinks it should be, that the lid is on when it should be off or the other way around.
I can not think of one single thing in my life that his presence would improve.
Is that normal???
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Is this all true? Or are you beginning to rewrite your M history in the same fashion a WAS would?
Not criticizing you, I just get the sense your post comes from an emotional moment you are having. Not to say everything you typed is not true, but there MUST be something about him which falls into you line of questioning for you to have stayed married to him for so long.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
My old H was very sweet and thoughtful. We got along fantastic, had the same values and laughed a lot. We had a great chemistry. We took the funnest trips ever! (He has brought them up recently- even mentioned talking about them with other people). We just loved being around each other.
THAT is why I'm standing.
This current guy is gross.
So, yes, I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Pilot, I don't know. Maybe. I started to be a WAS six years ago, but couldn't leave because I had a newborn and two toddlers. I found a way to pull myself together to stay and work on the marriage but most of what I wrote IS true -- especially the cooking and the long term planning.
There were periods of time when we pulled together but they were accidental and not well-sustained. I tried to keep up my end.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Maybell I think about this so much. Just this morning in fact!! (So, yes, I'll say it is a normal feeling, because I want to be normal! Ha)
I know I don't want my current H back. And I don't want our old R back. I know I am working hard to improve myself AND seeing changes. I know I will be ok if we end up getting a D.
Those are things I know for sure.
Could my M be rebuilt? Dunno. Can my H change enough to meet MY needs (you know, all the ones that were unfulfilled that led me to disconnect from him...)? Dunno. Can we improve our communication enough so that we could bring out the best in each other and rebuild the good parts of what we had before? Dunno. Probably. Possibly.
That's why I'm sticking around at the moment. Not shutting the door, but not letting the rest of my life hinge upon it either...
I ask myself this a lot, too, and it's asked of me pretty regularly by friends and family. It's totally normal, and there are bound to be days when all you can see are the issues without a single good thing in sight.
It's interesting that you mention thinking of the future. One thing that's become pretty clear to me recently is that H. and I didn't really have any shared future goals we were working towards, or even any real direction we were heading in (possibly together or individually). We didn't have many of the same arguments as you, and I feel like my H. was a good deal more supportive, but we still just had this stagnant little life.
In terms of what I'm standing for, we had the same values, same interests, same sense of humor, and I do genuinely think we wanted what was best for the other person even if we were really screwed up in how we tried to deliver. Back in the day we had a really good physical relationship, too. But clearly there were a lot of things that weren't working.
As Claire said, I don't want my current H. or R. back so much as I want to create new ones. And I'm still here because I think there's room to build on the good things that we have together and to do so in a way that we have a stronger relationship and that we're better individuals because of it. Of course, this is a tall order and is pretty dependent at this point on H. having enough of a chink in his resentment of me that we can find a place to start. So for now, I'm trying to calm down and work on myself to be the kind of person that I want to be just in general and also within the relationship. It's still hard, but it's necessary.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I do not want the old r back. The new version of h, is the old one of last year, he cannot accept the r has changed. Yet he has an ow?
He seems to be in his head stuck in the r, but unable to be in it due to ow. The whole stitch just feels better without him around, less stress, far less drama. H could make major drama over nothing. He still wants control, but I'm revolting? He says.
I'm far happier without his form of manipulation, control and verbal abuse.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I think it's good that you're asking yourself those questions!! I ALSO think that it's possible that you're re-writing history in a moment of feeling discouraged. Give yourself some time to think about it and journal. Step back and look at that carefully. What was it like in the early days of your relationship?
I can identify with a lot of this. My H also is a big gamer and watches TV, but not so much what I would like to watch. (I used to like the show Glee, and he would never watch it with me. Imagine my head exploding when he told me that he was just "hanging out" with OW in her hotel room watching Glee, "as friends.") I was never a gamer really, but H and our son convinced me last night to play one of their games with them. They were both really excited that I agreed to play. It was kind of cute (and overwhelming...and not really my thing, but I'm okay giving it a go...)
On my side of things...my H hates running, something I love to do. BUT, he took it up a few years ago. He jokes that he does it because he has to "keep his wife from running away from him." Anyway - I see it as a concession that he's trying to do something that I love and be involved.
Anyway - good luck...I think asking yourself these questions and evaluating these things are important parts of the process!
In one of my books there's a good chart one can fill out about their spouse to help them evaluate the decision "Should I stay or should I go." It might be in The Secret to Surviving Infidelity....I'll see if I can track it down.
I have played video games with H, but his big thing is that he wants to do everything alone. Even when we were happy together if I played with him he would want to just power through everything and direct it all. There was not much that was cooperative about playing together.
The one truly happy time I remember in our marriage was a period when we had bought a fixer-upper house and we got it into shape. We worked together on the house, we enjoyed exploring the area together, we had friends and planned vacations. It was the only time we weren't distracted by his travel schedule, kids, extended family... And it only lasted 2-3 years.
We were happy together other times but never so beautifully in sync. I'm coming to realize that I thought I'd married a guy who is really resourceful and confident but now I'm seeing him much more easily defeated, and that he had the confidence of the fortunate, not a true inner sense of ability. He seems to expect that he can reach for something and it will be his but the truth is that he's reaching for harder things and they aren't coming to him as effortlessly as when we were younger.
I suppose that might be part of his journey now... But I don't see why he had to chuck one of his resources (me) to take this journey. On the other hand, I suppose I'm the person who makes it clear to him where he is in his life. I'd probably want to shoot the messenger too.
I woke up this morning weepy, and with a strong desire to cancel tomorrow's lunch. I think, thanks to you all, I'm back to feeling resigned and releasing my expectations. Thank you all..
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
