Wife officially walked away just over a month ago

[BigMac]

The biggest thing I have been doing to love myself is embracing my inner child. I have been doing lots of nice things for myself, showing myself love.

I've been eating right, I've been working out. I've been reading so much (probably to many self help books). I've bought new clothes, cleaned my house. I've been going out with friends and being a good dad.

The biggest thing / challenge has been addressing codependancy. I was totally dependant on the W's moods. Detaching is starting to help me focus on me, not her. I've had some slips, but am moving forward slowly.

[Nettles]

That's great, but this was written within the last 36 hours.

I can't get it out of my head that I was replaced. That I wasn't a good enough husband, that I am a bad person, and I don't feel worthy of love.

Still work to do on you.

[BigMac]

There is lots of work to do on me. I find that there are good days, and there are bad days. Some days the dark moods take over. Other days I control it and I'm fine.

For example, today I confirmed through a friend that she hadn't blocked on facebook that she went to the mountains with her boyfriend and rented a cabin for 4 days. While it hurt to see that confirmed, it just was. I had a minor adrenaline rush, but then realized that there is nothing I can do about it. That she is going through her MLC. That I am hanging out in San Diego with friends, and life is not that bad for me.

So, one day at a time right?

[BigMac]

I forgot to post, contact update.

W called during meetings today. I called her back 5 min later, and then told her I had to go back in (I ended the conversation first).

She said she had a bunch of my packages, apparently she forwarded all the mail from my house. This resulted in my water being shut off, missing important court documents, all sorts of pain. Yet another selfish action, though it is interesting that she finally came clean now.

[pilot]

For example, today I confirmed through a friend that she hadn't blocked on facebook that she went to the mountains with her boyfriend and rented a cabin for 4 days. While it hurt to see that confirmed, it just was. I had a minor adrenaline rush, but then realized that there is nothing I can do about it. That she is going through her MLC. That I am hanging out in San Diego with friends, and life is not that bad for me.

Why why why are you confirming anything or asking your friend to? You HAVE to DETACH! If you keep snooping or following your W's every move, you are going to ruin any chance you have at R. Just accept the fact your W is going to be with OM for now. Just accept they are going to do things that if you knew about it would hurt you. Accept it, and do absolutely nothing to confirm it.

If your friend tries to tell you something your W is doing, tell him you do not want to know. I do absolutely nothing to follow my wife and her activities. My dad made mention of something she posted on FB not long ago, and I told him I did not want to know and I did not care to know anything she is doing. This is why it was ME who blocked HER on FB.

[sandi2]

You seem busy working on yourself, and it's good that you are addressing the co-dependency. But you made another statement I don't understand.

I worry that me being independent will not want her.

It seems to tie in with that statement you made about detaching and concerned you wouldn't want her then. Is this the co-dependency talking here?

[BigMac]

Pilot - good point. She came up in conversation with a friend who I haven't talked to in a while. I fell into the trap. Its very hard.

Sandi - yes, that is the codependancy. It's an addiction that I am working hard to break.

Right now, I'm headed to Austin to check out neighboorhoods that I would want to live in. Even though W is there, I have not and will not contact her. I am here for me. (I will be hanging with friends though)

I realize how good I felt when I disconnected for a week about a month ago. I'm trying to get back to that.

The one hard thing is that we are both in the same industry. We are both going to be at the same conference next week, she's working in a booth and I'm on stage for one day.

Next week is going to be hard. But I will get through it. Just have to pretend she died. Because the loving part of her did. At least for now.

[Zues126]

Big Mac. Hey bud. Tell you what, we do have a lot in common. Few tips that have been working for me-

Detach. What that means to me is coming to terms that there is NO CHANCE of an R between you and W. The goal is to make yourself healthy and strong so the next R you have is healthier. Now, is there a chance that your next R down the road is between the person you grow into and the person she has become? You never know, and DB is all about not sabotaging but instead doing what you can for that to remain one possible fork. But by the current R is dead, and there is no way to 'get her back' so as to avoid the full loss, pain, grieving, and Acceptance that comes from that death. If you try to go through the motions of detachment/growth you are only destroying the chances of a rebirthed R with her, the chances of a healthy R with anyone else, and most importantly from YOURSELF.

So, how to do it? What's helped me is ALONE time. Funny, the advice is to GAL. And I don't disagree. But for me, a fellow co-dependent, I've always run from my fear of loneliness and the discomfort of being in my own skin by keeping too busy. My therapist says I 'escape to my mind' to avoid negative feelings leering to being very busy, racing thoughts, charging towards goals, etc. I'm a month since BD and I've read so much, posted so much, journaled, etc. and that is good to a point. It has helped me learn to think differently about the situation, and definitely has helped lead to some acceptance, forgiveness for her and me, and helped me to conduct myself the best I can to avoid further destruction.

But a BIG piece of my healing has been to spend alone time. Walking (HIGHLY recommended) by myself, meditating, just getting comfortable that I am ok by myself.

Funny thing- the first month I was always posting on here, talking with friends about it, etc. and the whole time there was a super anxiety constantly in the background, like I could distract myself but always knew when the lights went off I was alone and deeply dismayed. Since I've spent more alone time that has faded. Yes, it's still there, but at a much more manageable level. It doesn't overwhelm me like it did not hurts, but I can handle it. And by spending time alone with my FEELINGS (NOT my thoughts) I have been able to find some joy again in my work, friendships, and hobbies...joy beyond distracting myself from my fear.

So please, make time to let go of thoughts and get to know who you are alone again. It may seem scary because that isn't what you want now, but you can't run from yourself. The fear that you're not good enough on your own is what contributes to the destruction of the R. If you really love yourself, her and the R you will use this opportunity to become your own best friend so you can be less needy and a better friend to her or someone else in the future.

That's just my journey though, take what applies, and know I am praying for you.

[BigMac]

Zues,

It sounds like we have a bit in common. I tend to want to fast track every time line on earth. I keep having to go back through my calendar to see that this is all very very very new to me.

Just three weeks ago I took a trip to New York and DC. I had purchased broadway tickets in a vain attempt to do something that we both liked, she bailed on me but I ended up spending the entire trip with myself. At first it was so awkward. I did push through it, and ended up having a great time once I got over my self conscious / anxious feelings.

I just have to remind myself that three weeks ago I was re-learning what it meant to be traveling alone. Three weeks ago I was walking miles in NYC and DC, and it was very hard. I had my headphones on, isolated from the world, just being OK with being me.

Now, I'm out on the strip here. I'm chatting people up. I know it is external, but the W would always tell me how abrasive of a person I was, and how she would always need to "cover" for me.

I'm finding that people do find me interesting, and I do need to work on my socializing skills, especially with the other sex. But realizing that I can drop into a new city, make new friends outside of work, and possibly life a fulfilling life is huge for me.

When this first happened, I swear I tried out 50 hobbies at once. I was just trying to distract myself from feeling the pain of loss, but also the pain of realizing that I had lost the ability to survive as an independent person.

I had changed from a true Alpha male in my circles to well.... kind of a loser. Insecure and anxiety driven. I used to have so much confidence, so much Mojo. I used to be able to walk into any room and own it. I miss that, I want it back. That was (is) a part of me.

So, I am trying to recapture some of the past, I am trying to validate that I can be a functioning human again with or without the W. I believe that I am better then this mess of a human being I turned into. I was (am) just sick, codependant, depressed with a severely broken heart.

But over the past couple months I have been moving away from that broken person with the help of therapy, friends (both online and in person), and the strength in myself, which I had lost for so long. It's a slow process, and I relapse into stupidity as I detach for a bit, then slip back into the attachment.

This week has been about me getting back into my old life. I traveled for work, participated in directing the company for two straight days. My mind had something useful to focus on other then hobbies.

One thing that has been really weird for me, that I need to figure out is that work has always been a huge part of me. I am a leader in my industry, I speak on stage about what I do constantly. Since the breakup I've cancelled most of my speaking engagements, I've left behind something that gave me extreme confidence. I was worried about just getting lost in work and not fixing myself, but abandoning something that provides me with such confidence was not smart.

So I'm re-engaging there. I'm using my brain and the communication skills I have been building for work. I'm taking baby steps to figure out what my life is. Who I am. I still don't know who that is, but I know I don't want it to be that broken needy person.

So, now I get to hang up the computer, hop in the shower and go check out a breakfast place in a neighborhood I'm looking at (recommendation from a random person I met here in Austin). Of to GAL

[BigMac]

Will post more, but W asked me to go to lunch. Baby steps