Yes, definitely gonna let this one sit a bit until any nasty snarkiness has faded and I can simply say, "I understand how you feel... and this is my position. How can we solve this together? "
(Cue tires squealing) Rethink that, we rarely understand how people are feeling because we don't live in there skin. You could say "I hear you."
If your boundary is your boundary and your reason for setting is about you needs and not about him, tell me why you need to discuss it with him again.
Last edited by labug; 07/16/1401:40 PM.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thank you! Hmmm. This validating stuff is not easy for me!
Well, I can in many ways understand his interest in having lots of flexibility.... having a parenting schedule has certainly made my life more complicated in some ways-- I've had to change plans, forgoe social engagements, or work harder to make plans because of it.
On the other hand, in many ways it has made things much easier. I know when I will have time to myself and can plan around that! (Before this, every chance for time to myself required a request to my H.)
Maybe I can say I hear him about certain things, while simply restating "I'm not available" when I need to. Part of what he said was frustrating because it's like he doesn't have a full sense of a) reality and b) the impact of this separation on me as primary residential parent. But I'm going to let that go for now. We are not in a place where we are working on our R at all, and I don't need to prove anything to him or be validated by him.
I just need to keep my boundary clear and remind myself that I am not being spiteful, that I *have* been very accommodating in the past, and I'm happy with my R with my D3, especially since having more time to myself has made me a better mom in some ways.
More important than what's easier for you or what H wants, is what your D needs. I think your best bet is to keep that in the foreground any time you're negotiating details with H.
What a child needs is care and attention from both parents to the best of their ability, consistency, a regular and predictable schedule. To the best of both of your ability.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Adinva: yes, she is always #1. (My putting her #1 was part of what led to the breakdown of my M..but that is for another post).
I'm trying to find a balance, because recently my H has said (in diff messages) very conflicting things: 1) "we stick to our schedule most of the time, and she will be able to over come small changes" (when he is making the change) and 2) "I'm surprised you don't want to spend as much time as possible with our D3", (when it is me requesting a change, or saying I'm not available when he requests it).
There is a little bit more to it than this, but I just don't want to put more specifics here. My point is that I spend a LOT of time with my D3, I have primary physical custody by far, and since one of the issues in my M was that I often felt burnt out and didn't get enough time to myself (and resented my H for that), I am trying to find more of a balance.
Claire, without speaking to the validation part, I think you're absolutely on the right track.
FWIW, I told my H, every other weekend and reasonable access during the week. I told my kids every other weekend. So far it's been every other weekend that he takes them, and he calls every other day, unless they want to call him.
I'm really glad I lowered their expectations. They would be hurt otherwise.
So I don't know what to say to you other than to cheer you on with not agreeing to his changes and holding him accountable for keeping the schedule. Go, you!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks, Maybell. And guess what? He got a babysitter so that he could go to a friend's b'day party. He will see her for a bit in the evening and babysitter will put her to sleep. And I will have a night and morning off and he will have to come home to relive the babysitter and wake up with D the next morning.
And I found a solution to another schedule conflict we had that he tried to make me feel guilty about.
Whether he ever decides to give our M a go or not, I am definitely showing him and myself consistent positive changes. I'm keeping the road home as paved and smooth as I can... but that doesn't mean he will get to glide there in a throne. It will take some effort on his part, too.
Been talking to friends, IC, even my hairdresser!... every one says they have seen changes in me, have tremendous respect for how I am handling this with grace and dignity. DB has literally changed my life.
But in terms of my M... my H has also noticed changes in me, has complimented me, generally speaks in neutral, sometimes friendly ways.
But now 9 months in, shows practically no signs that he sees a future for us. What do you do in a situation where your H just firmly believes that he can never feel love for you again, no matter how much you are able to change.
It's a stupid question, because I've asked it before, and I know the answer. And I know that he still has a lot of work on himself to do.
But I think this is where my real heartbreak comes in. Our M wasn't working for either of us... I needed to grow and change. But it does break my heart that he thinks the only solution is to D and start over apart. MWD voice is so rare-- there is so little pro-marriage (and optimistic) voices out there. So everyone says to feel sad but oh well, it happens and move on.
I keep finding myself wanting to share with him the things I have read that have convinced me that there is still hope for rebuilding our M in a new way. I've done so much work on me, and now I'm feeling rejected all over again. How can he not value me and our R enough to feel like it is worth trying to fall in love again? That hurts so much.
