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Meghan Offline OP
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Thanks for the link, Maybell - looks like I've found my reading material for tonight!


M - 34
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BD - March, 2014
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Meghan Offline OP
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Just read this advice from Starsky on one of Train's threads:

"Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain."

I'm copying that down too.


M - 34
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Meghan Offline OP
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Journaling: Last night was better than the one before in some respects. I got in a run, had some dinner, took a bath, read a novel, and watched a documentary that I was looking forward to that H. had no interest in seeing.

Unfortunately, I was searching my email for an address I needed and came across some old emails from H., written just weeks prior to BD. He was kind and compassionate and said he was happy to take care of me and told me how much he loved me. They were hard to see.

I have IC this morning. The plan is to talk about my tendency to obsess over what H. is doing and try to control what is an uncontrollable situation and hopefully come up with something to try to level me off a bit. I have work to do, and it's just not happening right now. I also want to talk about co-dependency, enabling, and building self-worth, which I imagine will be the longer project.

After that, I think a bike ride and possibly lunch out might be in order in an effort to get in some GALing today. I'm also going to look into local quilting and knitting groups, something I've been wanting to do for awhile. This afternoon I need to clean some more and pack so I can visit my parents.


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Meghan Offline OP
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Question: H's birthday will be when he's away (first time for that). We don't normally do cards when we're together on the day itself, but clearly we won't be this year.

Do I send a card care of his family? If so, can I assume I should aim for something light and funny, since that's how we'd normally roll?

Also, do I call him to wish him a happy birthday, but just try to keep it short and sweet?

Since he feels ignored I don't want to just bypass the day, but I don't know what the best approach is for this since I'm trying to keep the contact limited.


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M,

Regarding your question about self worth. For me, it was less about "how" I regained self worth, and more about my "believing" that I could change my perception about my self worth, that I could rewrite the script that I had been hearing in my head for years.

In my life, I had begun to see some people as "perfect", and, therefore, I was "imperfect" by comparison. As an "imperfect" person, i had to work extra hard to try to get folks to think I was ok enough for them. I see now how flawed that thinking was. Funny thing is, after coming through this, how many folks thought that I was "perfect", even though I wasn't, and I'm not. We're all flawed, no matter what it looks like on the outside.

I would remind myself every day, multiple times a day, that I was, in fact, a person worthy of good things. I was worth being treated properly. I was worth being considerate of. I was worth being loved, both by others AND myself.

As a pleaser, you are used to sacrificing for others. Unfortunately, you can see where sacrificing gets you- tons of resentment on your end, and folks that don't respect you on the other end. By learning how to ask for what you want, you will no longer feel resentment because of favors gone unreturned. Others will be forced to treat you with respect because they MUST.

Pleasers have a very difficult time with this. For whatever reason, they find it difficult to ask for what they want. The fear of rejection, or anger or whatever else, paralyzes pleasers. They'd rather do something themselves, even if they are already overwhelmed, and hope for gratitude and appreciation, rather than to ask for the help that they desperately need.

Recognize your tendencies and consciously stop them, using your intellect to direct you and not your feelings. Each day, practice asking for what you want. Today, start with one thing that you need help with. Look someone right in the eye and ask for help. Don't ask sheepishly or apologetically. Ask kindly but firmly- no matter how frightened you feel. Tomorrow, ask for two things. You'll notice how each time, each day, you'll begin to feel more in control of the world around you. Make it a habit.

-HS

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M,
Just send a card. Do not write anything inside of it, just sign it. The card shouldn't be romantic in the least. As long as you are pursuing, he'll know he's got you on the hook and can treat you this way. Once you drop the rope, he'll start to panic a bit himself. After all, he's not exactly a catch for anyone else.

Are you a dog owner? If you walk a dog on a lead and keep tension on it, they will pull like crazy away from you. If you want them to stop pulling, you have to put slack in the lead, even though it feels like the exact opposite of what you need to do! Remember that when you deal with your H. I KNOW it feels counter intuitive- its why many on here fail because they just can't wrap their heads around the concept. It's also why I wanted you to read Train's posts. Did she make mistakes? Yes, but mostly she got it right. She was able to detach from her H and stopped trying to pull him back. Once she did that, he stopped pulling away.

-HS

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Had a chance to talk to my IC this morning. She agrees that I've been enabling H. for years and that I've stepped in to fix too many problems. Clearly this is something I need to work on.

The first step, according to her, is to keep up with the detaching, which she knows I've been working on anyway. I'm also going to stay dark while he's on his trip and keep working on making my life what I want it to be.

She also wants me to give some serious consideration to the idea that things might not work out. She says that people with anxiety often avoid facing the things that makes them anxious, and that this might help with some of the obsessive trying to read his mind and predict his actions. It's also possible this could help with detaching if I can realise a bit more that I will be fine no matter how this all shakes out.

Finally, she wants me to come up with a specific list of things that would need to change were H. willing to work on the marriage. Clearly there are a lot of issues here, and she wants to work with me on a specific plan. Once I've got a list, we're going to talk about ways to make my needs known and how to deal with any fallout, rather than just trying to avoid conflict.


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Meghan Offline OP
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Thanks for the input, HS.

You're right that I fear anger or rejection if I do ask for or expect things. I told H. he could pass on a perfectly reasonable job when he complained about it because I didn't want to be the bad guy who made him do work that he didn't really want to do. I agreed to help him with his writing even though I had little time, and then he felt as though I wasn't committed enough because I wasn't able to contribute much and was slow to get to the editing.

Recently I've asked H. to do a few things by saying something like, "would you mind doing X this afternoon". His new response is, "Yes, but I'll do it anyway". This may be him being sarcastic (as he usually is), but with everything that's going on it pushes my buttons and makes me want to just do it myself instead and not ask anymore. I think I've largely kept away from actually taking over when he does this, but it's frustrating and causes me anxiety. I've also witched the "would you mind" to "could you".

I've been trying to treat myself like I'm worthy of good things today in some fairly basic ways. I've also asked for help with something from a friend, like you suggested, and will keep doing that. Thanks for the guidance - I really appreciate the feedback and help.


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Meghan Offline OP
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I spent some time today focused on thinking through some of the things my counselor and I talked about this morning. I've been encouraged to face the possible end of the relationship more head on, which was difficult. I've cried off and on through the day. I talked to a friend this afternoon who suggested holding off until I could do talk through this kind of thing with a friend or family member who could add some points and keep me from wallowing.

I've never dealt well with loss, and this one seems to be even more complicated by hope. Reading stories here that end well and feeling like there could be a chance to fix things gives me hope, but I often feel like I don't want to have hope right now. I've long believed in its importance, but I swear that hope hurts right now - the moments where hope is shot down feel like I've fallen even further.

Last edited by Meghan; 07/18/14 01:06 AM.

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Take the gift of time you've got while your H is away to just explore what it's like to be on your own, what you enjoy about your life that you can't or don't enjoy while he's around. Don't think of the future, one way or another. Just live your life for a little while. It's way too soon to wallow. smile


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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