1. Claire's sitch today is really ringing in my head. Something about that is resonating with me and I'm trying to figure out what it is. I asked if she would tell her H that she loves him today if she had the chance. So I'm asking that of myself too.
Nope, I wouldn't. I DO love him. But for one thing I don't want to be that vulnerable to him. For another, we have a lot of garbage between us that needs to be cleared away before we can voice the sort of commitment that "I love you" implies.
Even more than that, though, I think what I really want is a kind of do-over. I want to give him a flirty, mysterious smile from across the room and have him not expect to get it. And I want to see it matter to him that I gave it and he didn't take it for granted. I want the chance to be the person I'm starting to free myself to be, easy in my own skin. I want to be with him without feeling responsible for him, and it's too soon for me to be that way with him.
2. That flirty smile thing is something I REALLY want. The "will he or won't he" first kiss. Saying good night at the front door rather than in the bed. I don't think this is about wanting to revisit my youth. I think it's about experiencing one another again with no expectations, so that if we ever do come together again as spouses that we're both starting with beginner's mind. If he always asks me out to dinner-and-a-movie I can change the dynamic up by finding more adventures to share. Life can be less dreary.
3. Speaking of less dreary... I've been looking to change up how my house is decorated and I've realized what an absolute rut I've been in for YEARS. We've lived in six houses in the last thirteen years and the pictures always get hung in the same collections, the furniture is always arranged under the same principles, things that go in the dining room always go in the dining room and never, for example, in a hallway. I could complete jumble up my entire decorating scheme and it would be an enormous 180 right there. Just the idea of it gets me all excited. Talk about your perfect illustration of how not all your changes should be about your spouse.
I have found myself in the last two hours thinking with excitement about what the next steps between me and H ought to be. I've ranged around from inviting him out for another lunch to asking him about the marriage and been all over the place. I think my goal for the next two weeks is going to be just practicing responding to him with a more relaxed demeanor when we have to interact for the kids. Beginner's mind: I want him to chase me harder this time around. I was way too enthusiastic the first time.
Afraid I'm setting myself up for more heartbreak, but hopeful I'm not...
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
This post was a wonderful gift to me today. That's such a a great move to redecorate the house! New surroundings can definitely help break thought and behavior patterns! Go for it!!
As for the chasr...my aunt has always said that you should marry a man who likes you just a little bit more than you like him. I didn't follow her advice, and actually often questioned his love (or like) for me. This describes my MIL's 2nd (successful) M. And at least one of our friend couples who seem happy.
As for setting yourself up for heartbreak... Don't go there yet. You don't want fear to drive you, right? Is the potential reward worth the risk?
I love what you said about experiencing all of that beginning relationship stuff as the "new, improved" you. Maybe someday I'll come to terms with all of this by realizing that *I'm* no longer the woman he married...and I need someone different.
Maybell, your presence here is a great gift to me. I am sad we are in this situation, but so thankful we found ourselves here at the same time.
Labug, did you say that you and your H weren't able to start piecing till you could get more relaxed and expect less (nothing) from him? I'm going to go looking for your threads.
I've been taking all this free time while my kids are away today to think about who I Adam and what I want. The solitude has been a gift today. I started rereading my threads from the beginning and it's a relief to see how far I've come in on my two months. Really, really far. I'm going to be ok.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I really want to reply to H's email but not quite sure what to say. I worry that he really wants being apart to be successful so he doesn't feel guilty about dumping me. Then I think, no, it's just wanting the friendship he claimed he valued so much but being wary of anything else (for cause). What I want is to put my money where my mouth is. Don't know how.
Also I'm concerned because he's with his family and when he said he wasn't happy they said, then you should tell her so and split up. No talk of working on the M, no investigating why he wasn't happy, no pointing out the insanity of the last 3-4 years and the toll that takes on a relationship, and no knowledge of the A. So I feel insecure that he's there.
Which probably means I should let it lie.
Suggestions?
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Is there a reason to rush a response? Write a draft, let it sit at least overnight. See how it sounds in the morning. Would that help you gain clarity?
It sounds to me like your spending a lot of time anticipating what your H. might be thinking. I totally get that (seems to be the only thing I do sometimes these days) - it's so hard not to, particularly when it feels like you're trying to figure out the magic sequence of steps that will make everything okay again and reconnect you.
For now, is it maybe worth trying to focus on what you want and what you're most comfortable with, rather than trying to think through all the possible permutations of what he's thinking or doing? You have a pretty big stake in this, and it's clear there are things that you're comfortable with. Maybe focusing on that is the way to go to ground yourself?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
Reporting something I found on Labug's thread because I love John Lennon and it's a great quote:
There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life. ~ John Lennon
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
