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Maybell, getting all these "opportunities for improvement" can be overwhelming, that's why in the past most of us just shoved them aside and buried our feelings.

You don't have to be perfect you just need to be you, slow down when that's called for, try not to overthink and just live.

Life is one continuous practice.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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I'm sorry to hear you had a rough day. But please remember you are very strong! A setback does not mean you have to change your view of yourself... you can choose to see it as a learning and growth experience, too. Take it from a reforming perfectionist! Failure is how we learn and grow. As one of my mentors always says, "we are not here to *be* smart, we are here to get smarter"

And don't forget to have compassion for yourself!

Check out Dweck's "Mindset" for more about the difference between having a fixed mindset ("I messed up so I'm not strong anymore") vs a Growth mindset ("I messed up and I can learn and grow from that"). I find it jives really really well with MWD and DB.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Maybell Offline OP
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Thanks, everybody.

I stayed the night with my friends last night and was able to talk to my girlfriend about it this morning. She helped me put it in perspective. She agreed with me that it was good to see it as a strong reminder from God to mind my boundaries and my happiness and to not permit myself to be pushed around.

Again, it wasn't a big incident... I just found that it was troubling me and I needed to put it together for myself in the context of everything else that is going on for me.

Labug, I've been thinking about your "I want answers now!" comment and I would have denied you were right the day I saw it but I think now you might be. My friends were really distressed to hear how things are right now and wanted to be sure I'm prepared for the idea that I will be single. I would have thought that I had my head around that idea, but I think it's like detaching... it happens in bits. Seeing them, their happy but imperfect life together, their grown kids, the home that they've clearly built together and that they clearly enjoy together, hearing about their long-term plans... I had a very clear moment of understanding that there is no need to settle for anything other than a fantastic life.

Forward, march!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Maybell Offline OP
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Ok, I'm ready to change gears. Given that he told me OW is gone,

IF H starts moving towards reconciling, and
IF he does it in a way that will be really happy and healthy for us both and
IF I can move past my anger towards him, and
IF I can keep my plans for a fantastic life,

Then I think I would like to reconcile.

SO, how shall I behave towards him going forward?

Continue being dim but work to be warmer & friendlier?
Or what?

I hope I didn't do wrong... But the friends I was with have been paying attention to H on Instagram and both of us on FB and they figured out a lot of what was going on with us. So when they asked, I spilled the beans. This is the only connection H really cares about and respects (other than my family) to hear about his A. They were deeply unhappy to hear it confirmed. I told them I thought it was important that he hear from them lovingly but honestly, that I thought it was important that he have friends who were connected to his history.

I really appreciate the personal journey support I've gotten from everybody here... Could people start weighing in on how I should conduct myself around him as well? Help me process what I'm seeing and hearing from him, and how I should react to him given the conditions stated above?

Thank you all. Thank you a lot.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Maybell Offline OP
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Pretty much since the beginning of our marriage, H has been very stingy with sharing what was going on with him. This wasn't him being secretive or anything, he is just a really closed-off guy and said he didn't want to relive the day he had just gotten away from. It was always worse when he was in jobs where he wasn't totally happy. It wasn't the case when we were dating and first married because I worked at the same firm (different area) as him. But the more our lives diverged after I left that company the less he would tell me about what was going on with him.

I'm a pretty talkative person and he's really not, so if he asked I would share everything I had. It got so lop-sided that he was practically hearing about me in ten minute increments and I didn't even know the names of the people he had lunch with. This was a major source of contention for me.

It actually got a little better after BD. Now when he contacts me he asks about what I'm up to but doesn't share about himself. (He did share a piece of big news the day I helped with the couch and I milked it all I could, but there wasn't much to work with). Now he has started asking about me, what I'm doing, how my family is, etc., but I'm not engaging until it becomes more reciprocal.

It has been difficult for me to be warmer towards him because of all the anger I've felt about the last several years. Seeing 25's post to pilot about forgiving for our own well-being, I see that this is my next task. I haven't asked him about himself as a 180, since my complaining he wasn't sharing was one of our trouble points. I figure, he is aware that that's what I want, so I'll wait till he's ready to give it.

Am I on the right track or is there a better way?


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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I also worry that because I have so much anger and hurt that I'm being too reserved and even rejecting towards him. I don't need to give away the farm but probably at least neutral would be better...


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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We can't help you forgive yourself or him.

Forgiving ourselves is usually the most difficult and when we can't do that we sort of give our bag of rocks to the other person and continue the anger toward them.

We all screw up and we all need forgiveness.

What do you need to forgive yourself for?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline OP
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Grr... hearing about the end of OW knocked my detachment off kilter. I'm feeling impatient. I have all desk tasks today so not enough to absorb my attention.

Labug, I'm not sure where you're going with the forgiveness thing. I recognize that that's my next personal task. I was hoping to get some input on how I should interact with him going forward -- work to warm up to him and see if we can get the friendship back on some kind of not-awkward footing, or stay dim and see if he invites me out again?

I wish somebody KNEW him and could tell me what he wants so I could do it! IC asked why I couldn't just tell him straight out myself where I'm at (still wanting space myself to pursue remembering who I am but wanting more warmth in our relationship as it stands) and I had good reasons. Most had to do with how our relationship has functioned in the past, which obviously doesn't work, but I don't know how to alter the dance at this time. And I want HIM to chase ME. I want him to know that I'm ok with being chased. And he probably doesn't want to chase me right now but I think he also would like some warmth in the relationship too. I feel more ready to give it after IC this morning but the time seems to be not right (he's visiting his family right now, distracted with them and being the only parent available for a whole week for the first time ever).

GAH!!!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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mdu Offline
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When I was where you are I decided to experiment. And then found some pursuit really worked with H. I made sure to not go over board but I initiated a few calls just to chat and that really turned things. H quickly started pursuing me afterwards. I would go to experimenting and monitoring results. I think you have to do what works in your situation and it takes a little experimenting to figure that out.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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Posts: 768
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P.S. My DBing coach advised me to do positive or neutral things, obviously nothing negative. Experimenting with pursuit could be a positive if it succeeds, and as long as you extract yourself quickly likely just neutral at worst if unsuccessful. You know your H so I'm sure will know quickly where it's headed and can change course if need be.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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