1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 2

[mdu]

Prior thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2467445&page=10

Thanks so much again to everyone following along and contributing!

[mdu]

Up early this morning and already worrying about the plan for tonight's discussion.

I know folks have said that it's his mess, he needs to clean it up but shouldn't this ideally be a mutual problem solving discussion?

For instance, one thing I keep thinking is if we just had more time that could make quite a difference. More time to reconnect and rebuild our relationship, more time to work on ourselves, more time to get H home. Basically more time to get our relationship on more solid footing to face this. H could buy us some time by working at home, doing some travel (I could go with him), taking some vacation time.

Is this something I should offer up? I know obviously let H speak first and I would only offer up if it seems like he's genuinely trying to solve and wants my point of view.

What really kills me is the timing of this. Given we are in such a fragile state I just can't imagine it being any worse. I feel like it's so brazen of this woman to do this, I don't know what she knows about what's going on with H and I but obviously she has zero concerns about the potential of facing me or my kids for that matter. It's actually feels a little scary, like I wonder if she's fully expecting to come up here and win H back and if she doesn't, what will she do next? I definitely feel like no matter what I will need to show up at the office at some point to 'mark my territory'. This will be so hard for me, I have very purposely not wanted to ever see this woman because I did not want to deal with a clear imagine of the two of them. She's always been a vague blob in my mind and I really wanted to keep it that way. This is really forcing me to face up to things I was hoping to avoid, maybe ultimately that's a good thing.

One random thought. In terms of keeping it together tonight, I think one thing I'm realizing is I need to focus on myself first and foremost. Just do and say the right things, regardless of what H is doing or saying. That is what I should do no matter what, whether interacting with H or anyone else for that matter. I'm going to keep it to a phone call so I don't have to worry about things like body language, just tone and my words. Also, so I can take some notes and post here for feedback.

[mdu]

I also keep coming back to that I need H home. I need to feel like we r a team to face this together & that he's solidly with me. As long as we're separated I don't feel that way. I know people disagree with this but my gut keeps saying the only way through this is as a team & separated is not a team

[mdu]

Ok, back on plan. I am just realizing that even though I have a million thoughts around what I want/need I don't need to put anything out there TONIGHT. That I should use the time to JUST LISTEN, NO MATTER WHAT H HAS TO SAY. It doesn't mean I don't get a chance to state my needs and/or boundaries. I need to know where his head is at, I need more information to make the best decision here and that's how I need to approach tonight. And I know from my history if I put something out there in reaction to what H has to say it will NOT go well. This is about ME and ultimately showing to myself that I CAN do this. I can be emotionally strong no matter what comes my way. That is the person I WANT to be. Give me strength to be it.

[mdu]

P.S. My plan for today is to NOT obsess over this. Do whatever I can to distract myself. Stop procrastinating at work. Go for a walk at lunch. Do something fun with the kids tonight. Stop obsessing over how unfair, how unjust, what a victim I am. I don't know if this is healthy thinking or not but I was telling a friend that I feel like OW is attempting to make a really aggressive play for H. She was like "Well then it's on!" I must admit, that thought really kind of motivates me. This woman will not take away my H and break up my family, she does not know who she's messing with!! Maybe this is not the best way to motivate myself but if it works and helps me have the motivation to keep my emotions in check, maybe that's ok?

I'm going to stay away from the boards today and just check in at lunch and this evening in case anyone has any final words or wisdom/encouragement before I talk to H tonight. We will speak at around 9pm.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. Seriously don't know what I'd do without you all. Especially yesterday when the IC I saw completely sucked. I'm not giving up (yet, although that experience does not at all help this IC skeptic), I got a referral from a friend and left a VM to make an appointment with someone else. Wish me luck that she can fit me in relatively soon.

[Wonka]

MDU,

I am glad you are taking a break from the boards for a while today. You've been given the necessary tools from posters yesterday...it is all right there for your perusal and review.

I know folks have said that it's his mess, he needs to clean it up but shouldn't this ideally be a mutual problem solving discussion?


What you say seems to make sense. However, it is important for H to do the heavy work here and clean up his own mess. You don't want to swoop in and contribute. Otherwise how would he learn that his choices has consequences? Like a boy breaking a window by hitting a baseball in the neighborhood. His parents will say, buddy...you made a mistake and you need to apologize and pay for the damage. Same with your H.

For instance, one thing I keep thinking is if we just had more time that could make quite a difference. More time to reconnect and rebuild our relationship, more time to work on ourselves, more time to get H home. Basically more time to get our relationship on more solid footing to face this. H could buy us some time by working at home, doing some travel (I could go with him), taking some vacation time.

Engaging in 'what ifs' isn't doing you or H any good. This is the reality right now. Life will throw curve balls your way without any warning. The OW move is one of them. You're trying to take back control by wanting to have H home to relieve your own anxiety and fears. Not good.

Maybe H might be able to work from home. You just don't know what is possible at the company. It is up to the company's president/CEO. There are some things that we cannot control when it comes to the workplace issues.

In terms of keeping it together tonight, I think one thing I'm realizing is I need to focus on myself first and foremost. Just do and say the right things, regardless of what H is doing or saying. That is what I should do no matter what, whether interacting with H or anyone else for that matter.

Don't make it all about you. It is about the M. That's where the focus needs to be. You're a team in the M.

I also keep coming back to that I need H home.

That need is feeding into that anxiety. It is not a good way for H to come home. You want to see that H wants to come home because 1) he wants to 2) you both feel ready. Not out of need, but out of a desire to do so.

MDU, you are strong, smart and independent. You don't need anyone to boost your self-esteem. It is all on you.

This is about ME and ultimately showing to myself that I CAN do this. I can be emotionally strong no matter what comes my way. That is the person I WANT to be. Give me strength to be it.

Yes, you can DO this! If you hear something painful or difficult, just take a deep breathe and say, "H, this is very hard to hear. I need time to digest this information."

My plan for today is to NOT obsess over this. Do whatever I can to distract myself. Stop procrastinating at work. Go for a walk at lunch. Do something fun with the kids tonight. Stop obsessing over how unfair, how unjust, what a victim I am.

That sounds like a good plan! You got this!

Before you meet with H, just review this list:

-Put on a nice outfit
-Smile when you greet H
-Be sure to break the heavy discussion with light, fun comments and jokes as appropriate
-Be sure to focus on working together as a team--"how can we face this together? what are your thoughts/ideas?"
-Allow H to come up with some solutions
-Be sure to have the spotlight on YOU two not on the OW
-Calm, cool, and collected


Sending you positive vibes tonight!

[Starsky309]

mdu,

I would make your plan for tonite to have NOTHING to do with the content of the conversation, and CERTAINLY not on any outcomes or decisions coming from it.

My counsel to you would be to make a goal for yourself that is centered ENTIRELY on how you react to what is said -- how you come across.

"I will be calm, I will thank him for his honesty, I will validate and I will listen." THAT would be my mantra.

If you could pull that off??? No . . . change that . . . WHEN you pull that off . . . you will have taken a HUGE step.

The decisions aren't going anywhere anyway, right?

You need to be able to learn this skill anyway (how to react to disturbing news without attacking or flipping out); the fact that it will likely ALSO make you more attractive to your husband . . . and make him feel safer about re-committing 100% to the marriage . . . is a bonus.


Starsky

[Train]

I'm entirely in agreement here.

mdu, you had that epiphany on your own without anyone even chiming in:

Tonight is a night to listen. Work on your reactions. You can and WILL blow your OWN mind tonight with how you handle this. I'm creating that for you.

The decisions will be made later with the information you receive tonight. And if a discussion comes up about a solution, think: WE ARE A TEAM. Don't deny your H the dignity of his own struggle. (That's a nicer way of saying "let him clean up his own mess.)

And I'm in total agreement with Wonka that you want your H home because he wants to be there ... and you're both ready. A dear Buddhist friend reminds me: "Nothing urgent is important. And nothing important is urgent."

Remember: you and your H are a TEAM. You're wearing the jersey. You're the one.

Thinking of you often and much today.

[mdu]

Thanks everyone. Can't say how much I appreciate all the support and guidance. I'm a very goal oriented person so this statement alone really helped, Starsky: "My counsel to you would be to make a goal for yourself that is centered ENTIRELY on how you react to what is said -- how you come across."

I can't quite explain it but I can feel in my bones when I'm truly on the right path. I think it happens when I feel like I'm being the person *I* truly want to be (forget about H). And a good listener who can keep their emotions in check in a crisis is part of the type of person I want to be.

So far my morning has gone well. Did some easy work that did well to distract me. Had a couple of meetings. Had to run to S's camp because I forgot to pack his lunch (Doh'!). Feeling good that despite this mess I am able to pull myself out of it and feel better, even if for just a few hours. Going to do my best to keep it going this afternoon and evening. The afternoon is going to be a bit tougher because I don't have any meetings but I think I will make one with my boss to talk about something fun/interesting like my career path! He's always up to chat. Also would like to get out for a little walk. Will probably do some more 'easy' work like clean out my desk and email. Good distractions and don't require too much focus. I'm planning to do at least 1 thing that I have been procrastinating on, that always makes me feel a lot better. Hoping that my cleaning lady made it to the house today so when I get home the house looks good which will lift my spirits a bit (she's always rescheduling --- I need to dump her!).

Ok, signing off for the afternoon. Will check in once more this evening but for the most part, I think I'm good.

[mdu]

Gah, so didn't quite make it to this evening. My PMA is slipping a bit. Seriously, not busy enough at work! Was really good until about 2pm, though. Going to make myself find something to do now, I need to find some flow!