The Five Balls

[ForeverYoung]

Tonight I went to watch the UFC fights with 2 buddies. Tomorrow I go to the drag races, on my own. Monday, Labor day, my W and I go on a bike ride with my family. I like riding behind W.

Last year I ran a Tae Kwon Do class at my work place. It was by far the most fulfilling GAL activity I engaged in. It helped me feel better about myself and my life, and my students loved it. It looks like I may hopefully have the opportunity to do it again soon...

[ForeverYoung]

Hi everybody!

I know this may come as a great surprise to some of you, but I wasn't always as wise as I am today. I also refused to always be serious.

Some of my Words of Wisdom from my threads of the past:

At one point I even convinced myself that a mail order bride was the way to go! I kinda put that one on the backburner for now...

Even if I do die in celibacy, at least I won’t have to be in poverty too!

3 weeks 'till the anniversary of BD. Not sure of the DB protocol. Do I get her a card?

FY, exactly where in the Hallmark section should we be looking for the BD card?

They have a section in back called “Here’s what’s left of my heart… it’s all yours”. Any card from this section comes with a free box of Kleenex and a list of local counselors… it’s actually pretty nice!

One night W was working out in our home gym, and when I came down to join her she mumbled something and left. I hadn't yet worked up a sweat, so I know that wasn't the problem! It seems I'm cooties right now.

Thanks for the kind words. It is very nice to know I have helped others, like others here have, and continue to help me. That's what makes DB the best board for MLC standers like us, in my opinion. We're all in the same sinking ship with a puny little patience shovel for a paddle!

In other news, it's now official. I'm in limerence... with me! Yep, and we all know these things only last (on average) for about 2 years, so hopefully W signs back up to the M before then!

More to come...

[daring]

FY thanks for the laughs!! I love those posts. And I'm sure you had great advice back then. Except you referred to a puny shovel, not the DB approved Kevlar gloves to hold the extra large patience shovel. Glad you were able to trade up for the good one!

[ForeverYoung]

I have always found humor essential to helping us through tough times. Taking a lighthearted look at ourselves and our sitch can make a big difference in how we feel, how we react to others, and I believe even outcomes.

Shortly after BD my wife told me she would like to date other men, and find true passion for once in her life. Hmmm, ok.

Since I know she likes gifts, and it's been a while since I got her anything, I thought maybe I would get her the old Milton Bradley board game, Mystery Date!

I still remember the song from the commercial for the game: Mystery date, are you ready for your mystery date? Open the door. Will he be a dream, or a dud?

Ok, I admit I would totally rig the door to only open on a dud!

I love my W, but I’m also in love with myself...

Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool...

That reminds me of that popular Dean Martin song...

Everybody's Done with Somebody Sometime...

W and I are going to a party with a bunch of her coworkers this weekend. I plan to get really drunk and tell everyone about our sitch!

The anniversary trip sounds positive... Never know ... Maybe her stomach will get itchy, and she'll need you to rub lotion on it while she's in her undies... Just sayin

Note to self: remember to pack the itching powder.

[ForeverYoung]

Bomb drop back in March 2012 rocked my world. I fell into minor depression for several months. How could I not? She was my life partner since I was 18 years old. I never experienced a single day of adult life without her by my side as my committed partner. It was nearly impossible for me to even imagine it.

Like most everyone here, I frantically started to fix any and every thing about me that I thought could have caused her to give up on me. I signed up with a (non DB) marriage coach who guided me weekly. I read many books on fixing relationships. I studied about MLC.

I quickly determined what things about me needed improvement, and did 180’s on them. There were plenty of little things, but nothing major. I realized I had not been a complete failure as a spouse, did not need a major makeover, and was relatively happy with who I was. I was lovable and loved myself. Maybe you feel the same way.

No matter what she was saying now, my W really did love me all those years, and still does deep down. How could she not?

I realized that her perception of the M had changed, and that it could change again but would take time. I learned I could not fix her, but also realized I had some power in how things would play out. My actions and words going forward were going to affect this. She would be watching and taking notice, and she was still here.

It took a while, but I figured out that I’d be more than ok on my own if it came to that. I also knew that I could play the bailout card at any time. Having this card in my back pocket actually helped me to stand many times when I felt like giving up. (which seemed to be every few weeks! lol)

Deep down I knew she and our marriage were still worth it. That if we made it through this, we’d have a most amazing relationship. An even more Mature Love that could not have been possible without weathering the most persistent of storms.

I hope that I can continue to be patient as W works through her stuff, because I want to be able to say I gave this my all. I also think she is worth nothing less.

[CaliGuy]

If I was good with expressing the inner me like you ... I could not have written it better, It is very much how I feel.

Like you I keep my sense of humor, have had her in my life since 18 and haven't known anyone else, nor cared to. I have said it to people who don't understand ... I love once, sure it may not work out, one day I may have to send her out to sea, I know deep to the core of me I will never love another the way I loved her. How could I .... 24 years? (Adds fingers in head) ... yeah

I pray too that when this hurricane finally passes we can clean the foundation and build the M of our dreams, understanding how little things can make it go so wrong and so fast.

You have handled this and yourself gracefully FY ... hang in there.

[Wonka]

FY,

I like your thought process. You're doing tremendous with patience. That is real, unconditional love for your W. You're a good man!

[ForeverYoung]

Thank you so much for the kind words and for stopping by, CG & Wonka.

"I will never love another the way I loved her."

I feel the same way CG, that's why I'm still in this thing.
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Friday night us kids had an Anniversary party for my parents. 55 years married! W made a dish, and got there before me because I had to work late. We do all family events together. There was plenty of food, hugging, and joking around. A good time was had by all.

Saturday I spent much of the day working at a charity event in my hometown. I enjoyed meeting and talking with many appreciative people. After telling me how talented and handsome I was, one woman asked me if I was married. I answered, "Yes I am, but we're still newlyweds... we've only been married 31 years!" She laughed and replied that the good ones are always taken!

Wonka, don't tell mach or cat, but I tried touching W a few times. No comment from her, but her body language said still not interested. (D'oh!)

I initiated a discussion of the future, and mentioned again how I am planning for earlier financial independence and retirement. As part of a Reality Dart, I told W I likely would no longer desire to buy her out of our (paid for) home if we split up, because it wouldn't fit into my plan. She commented about the present value of the home and the merits of keeping it, but said nothing regarding the possibility of "splitting up".

Life is great. I truly feel I have everything I need or desire. W and I get along well, share details of our days, do things for each other. The only thing missing is the physical intimacy. We seem a perfect match in all areas but this one.

I see firsthand and clearly how someone can end up staying in a SSM.

How can I tell if W will ever come around physically?

As of now, she seems quite content with NO sexual partners. Based on certain comments and songs she sings, I would say she is still in crisis/depression to some degree. I don't believe one can fully love others, until they can love themselves.

Bust On, my friends.

[Lifes Twists]

" I don't believe one can fully love others, until they can love themselves."

FY,

I believe this is the biggest issue with those who are dealing with depression. I believe from my experience with my spouse that those who have some level of depression will collect all the negative thing that happen along the way and file them for later use. This collection of negatives keeps building until it gets to a breaking point. Some trigger will eventually happen that will cause all these collected negatives to come exploding out. Who knows what it will be, but it will happen.

Those who collect negatives have not learned how to let go of things. They have not learned to forgive. Until they learn this, if ever, they will never love themselves.

I wish you luck on your quest. I think all of us are in this depression boat together. The question is will we stay in the boat, slip over the side and swim to shore, or slip over the side and drown, or be rescued. That is the question we each need to answer.

[Wonka]

FY,

55 years married! Wow. That is a great milestone. Hope you guys hit the mark as well and have a happy anniversary.

You commented about still experiencing "no intimacy"...I can understand your W's POV. The sexual desire comes back long after the reintegration process after coming out of the MLC fog. It seems to me that your W is not yet quite there.

On the other hand, you don't want to stand for too long and have the M slip into SSM territory. That is something for you to monitor and decide when the time comes around.

It is a tough balancing act for sure.