Been a while since I posted. Been focusing on me for a while but kinda poking my head up now to see where I am. W affair ended about 11 weeks ago. From what I've gathered it turns out OM was still married and hadn't told her. W has had serious depression and withdrawal of OM for most of this time. She just recently got her own place and a new job, started counseling and being ratther friendly these days. No sign of her talking about relationship or reconciliation. As for me I've gotten out of the house now that its in foreclosure, couldn't keep up with it on my own, and gotten a nice aparemtn for S and me. W makes no arguemnt that she cannot take S to live with her but constantly wants extra chances throughout the week to come over and see S or meet up out to spend some time with him. I've gotten back to working out, not loosing any additional weight yet but getting fitter. Got S into summer camp and made arrangements for ongoing daycare and registered him for school. Feeling all Mr. Mom at this point.
Interactions with W are pretty pleasant these days. She continues to every once in a while make apologies, but then she cries and drops the subject. Also she makes comments about how much I deserve or how I'm too good. Not sure what that is supposed to mean in our sitch but I try not to read too much into it. W has not filed yet. I started to at one point but did not follow up on it.
Trying to get some sense of what direction to move in at this point. Any input?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Do you still love her and want to be with her in every way ? Because if you do then I feel you need to stay the course and leave the door open for her . Thats if you truly love her
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Well of course I still love W. And strangely enough we are able to get along pretty well when we are around each other these days. We can laugh and talk about things. She seems comfortable enough to go through her life issues and problems with the rest of the world and I try to remember my validation without being my old critical self of everyone she talks about. I think that goes well. She still seems to be largely depressed from time to time and isn't dealing well with being away from S so much. She continues to try to make time to get over to pick him up or at least spend time with him here at my place at least once a week. I don't know whether I'm taking the right approach to her though. For the longest time towards the end of OM and afterwards I kept fairly distant and now that OM has been out for many weeks I am allowing us to be around each other. I even let her know S and I are going back to waterpark in a couple weeks and since she was upset to have not gotten to see him go last time she was welcome to come along and she jumped at the chance. But I can't say if my approach is best or not. At this stage of the game, with her finally getting over OM but still so depressed at life I know I can't pursue because she hasn't decided to say she wants to make an effort but feel like there should be a change of tactics.
Its been so long since her demenour was nice that I barely know what to do with it now. I feel like its time to go back and read the books again.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Well Bunches , Ive been living a nightmare for about 4 months .But I truly love my wife even though i have caught her IN BED!! with OM and ive caught her kissing OM #2 is his truck . Which I then proceeded to pull him out of the truck and pummell him mercilessly until he cried like a baby . Did that help my sitch doing that . Absolutely not . Ive seen her with OM# 1 and OM# 2 since . Now I believe there is an OM # 3. I asked her if she wants to be single and she said no , but shes playing the single game . OM#1 and #2 are married but # 3 is single . She tells me shes going out for coffee then I know exactly whats shes doing . How can I still love this woman after that ???? I dont know . So im not trying to minimise anybody elses sitch but sometimes you can see that maybe your sitch is not nearly as bad as someone eles and it will help you make decisions about your own . Hats off to you , you are a strong fellow in wanting to save your marriage
Me 45 W 45 Son 16 Son 14 Married 23 together 27 W threatened sep several times W still at home A discovered Mar 17 2014 A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
So W was unhappy with missing S birthday at waterpark at the beginning of the month. I had planned on taking him back this last weekend but she wanted to go this time and needed us to move it to allow her availability. So on Sunday just the 3 of us are going to waterpark together to spend the day. I'm trying to focus on having fun and being carefree but unsure how to do that effectively. Also, trying not to ask W about last week. Her brother told me she didn't come home last Thursday night. She apparently decided to take a drive and ended up spending the night at a hotel two states away. Makes no sense, but I can't see what else would make sense. A ended badly over two months ago. Also, she is putting herself in a corner financially. She drew $6,000 to cash last week against her credit card and gave to her mother who apparently guilted her into borrowing the money. Things have seemed pretty pleasant when we are around each other these days but still no sign of her wanting to R.
My only question is, at this stage should I be allowing us to be around each other in these situations in order to attract her back or staying away allowing her space to come back on her own?
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
That depends; what confirmation do you have that her affair ended, and/or that there isn't an OM2?
In my sitch, I had really strong intel in place so it was much easier to determine how to play these things. Because my advice to you would be far different if I knew there was nothing fishy going on (which the drive/hotel thing doesn't exactly help!!!).
In general, I'd say make it a fun day for your son either way though.
Yeah, that's tough for me to know. I don't have intel resources at this point. I am fairly certain about OM 1 being out of the picture. It turned out he is still married and just used W for a side A and then cut her loose when he was ready. She was pretty hurt over the whole thing and according to friends / family she cut ties entirely. I can't be sure that she hasn't begun another A. She just started a new job 3 weeks ago and has been working so much that she hasn't even had more than a couple hours to spend with S outside of her every other weekend. I would hate to think she would be giving up time with S to pursue another A but can't rule anything out.
Another strange event I forgot to mention. Her brother was recently kicked out by his W and is now living with my W. BIL was having a rough year and acted like a jerk too many times and got kicked out. The part about this that worries me is that he has immediately jumped into an A of his own and constantly trying to justify his choices to everyone. I'm thinking this will only reinforce to W that what she is doing makes sense. Nothing I can do of course but just getting it in the log at this point.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
OK, gotcha. Then I would disagree with anything "to attract her back" (to draw from your post's questions), but I wouldn't worry about being around each other, especially if it's creating fun and rewarding moments for your son.
That's what I would do. But I am a hard-core, old-school guy that operates (and advises others) from a position of:
Once you've been caught cheating, the burden of proof is on YOU to show that you're NOT anymore. Until you do, I'm going to operate from a position of assuming that you're still in contact with OM, or at least want to be ABLE to be, or that you've started contact with OM#2.
